aroused during fantasies but not during the real thing??

[vio]

hi im back Again erm..

im (21NB) currently fwb with someone (32M) . weve only had two experiences, one where he fondled + sucked on my breasts, and another where i gave him a blowjob / he titty fucked me. (pretty big age gap, i know, its also smth i worry abt bc i feel like its My Fault for putting myself in a dynamic like that)

the reason i decided to become fwb is bc i knew he was interested in me, and i started fantasizing abt us / realizing my own feelings. but i felt nothing during the real deal??

im asexual and have masturbated (may be autosexual as well). so like i know that everythings all well and good w the plumbing. and i know my asexuality has an impact on how i view sex, relationships, etc. the only time i felt aroused during these exchanges was knowing i was able to please him, and even then, it wasnt much (just fleeting)

im just wondering if i dont like dicks / nipple play or im too asexual for intercourse LOL it just sucks bc i Want sex but dont rlly feel much as it is happening

[mikky]

Hey vio, good to have you back.

Can I ask more about why the gap in your ages worries you? What does a “dynamic like that” mean in this situation? Do you feel like there is a power imbalance due to your difference in age? To be very clear, we would not say it is “your fault” if you were in a negative or harmful sexual relationship.

Fantasy can be informative of what we will want in reality, but it is still fantasy. It’s just a totally different realm, right? So, it doesn’t surprise me that what you fantasized about didn’t convey in the most pleasurable way to an actual physical experience.

What do you want from sex (if you have an idea of that)? Were the specific sex acts you did with him things you were also interested in?

That’s a lot of questions, hope to hear more about how you’re thinking about this.

[vio]

1. yeah, i feel like theres a power imbalance. i turned 21 this year and even though ive been an adult for three years, i still feel like im Learning To Be An Adult. ive only started exploring my body this year, drinking alcohol, buying things for myself, learning independence. i tend to look up to him when it comes to sexuality, jobs, relationships, all sorts of advice. he also has his own place and pays rent while im still at my parents house + makes more money than i do. in terms of jobs, hes had many and is currently a store manager whereas ive only had three jobs (all to varying degrees of success. there was a time where i was unemployed for two years). i feel like he has all this experience i dont (except for maybe the sex aspect. im not sure of his past relationships but he seemed inexperienced. Not In A Bad Way, of course!!) . i dont feel as if im being harmed Right Now but tbh i wouldnt even know if i was LOL

but thats just my opinion. unfortunately, ive been invalidated by others (particularly older generations) for this bc "we're both consenting adults." but consent doesnt always indicate lack of a power imbalance, i dont think

2. i guess pleasure on both sides. i feel bad that im not able to pleasure myself yet was able to please him. i never rlly felt interested in dicks even in fantasy/porn, but was willing to experiment. but i Was interested in nipple play, so idk why i didnt feel much (he claimed i did, though it didnt seem that way both emotionally and in terms of arousal)

[Heather]

Hey there, vio.

Two experiences aren't a lot to base the idea of if you like all of sex, with anyone you could be sexual with, on. I don't think there is any need to wonder or worry if you do or don't like all of sex because of these two very limited -- and, from the sounds of things, deeply unsatisfying -- experiences with one person, and a person who doesn't sound like a very good sexual partner in general, to boot. It's really hard for even people who love all kinds of sex most of the time to love it with a crummy partner.

But I am curious: the sexual experiences you did have with them: did you initiate them? Did you ask for any of what you two did together? When things were not feeling particularly exciting, did you feel able to ask to explore other things? Do you even feel able to with them? It's sounding to me like at least some of this, if not all of it, was much more about what this other person wanted.

Them even suggesting they could tell *you* what you were feeling and how sex went for you is pretty outrageous , and absolutely not a thing someone else can say for you. Are you even attracted to this person, sexually, emotionally, etc? I hear you saying you had interest in them because they were interested in you, but I don't hear you expressing any real interest in them otherwise.

[KierC]

Hey Vio!

I wanted to chime in as well, I hope that’s ok! I agree with what Heather said. To me, this person seems gross and weirdly paternalistic. I don’t like what he said to you about you enjoying the nipple play instead of asking you how it actually felt for you, and same with the power imbalance you’re experiencing! A good partner asks us how we’re feeling, and doesn’t tell us how we’re feeling. Truthfully, it’s not shocking to not enjoy sex with someone like that. Know what I mean?

You said you find yourself looking up to him a lot, and I can appreciate that that could have its own attraction for some folks at some times in life, but I hear you that you’re feeling weird about it. I’d feel the same way, honestly. Especially as you’re building your own life and experiencing so many new things right now, it’s nice to be looking *forward*, not up at someone else, you know? Particularly when that someone else is not curious about your experiences.

One last thing, I wanted to remind you that your opinion about him matters most here, not others, particularly those who are invalidating how you feel. I noticed you said that this is “just” your opinion, but your opinion is actually the most important thing here, and nobody should be invalidating that. You get to choose who you’re in a relationship with and how you feel about them. <3

[vio]

Hey there, vio.

Two experiences aren't a lot to base the idea of if you like all of sex, with anyone you could be sexual with, on. I don't think there is any need to wonder or worry if you do or don't like all of sex because of these two very limited -- and, from the sounds of things, deeply unsatisfying -- experiences with one person, and a person who doesn't sound like a very good sexual partner in general, to boot. It's really hard for even people who love all kinds of sex most of the time to love it with a crummy partner.

But I am curious: the sexual experiences you did have with them: did you initiate them? Did you ask for any of what you two did together? When things were not feeling particularly exciting, did you feel able to ask to explore other things? Do you even feel able to with them? It's sounding to me like at least some of this, if not all of it, was much more about what this other person wanted.

Them even suggesting they could tell *you* what you were feeling and how sex went for you is pretty outrageous , and absolutely not a thing someone else can say for you. Are you even attracted to this person, sexually, emotionally, etc? I hear you saying you had interest in them because they were interested in you, but I don't hear you expressing any real interest in them otherwise.

hi heather!

regarding your questions: i initiated days before we decided to get physical. he's been attracted to me for months, and i tend to tease him abt it even if i didnt reciprocate. but one day, while we were in my room, i told him he had permission to touch my breasts. thats when we started talking abt what we wanted and such.

but that day, he initiated by asking if i wanted to suck his dick. i wanted to experiment even though i felt like i wasnt going to like it. i didnt ask him to explore other things though. im not sure if i feel able to. the day before, we were sexting abt our fantasies. and he'd always mention dicks and blowjobs, even though i talked abt months ago (and during a previous convo abt my fantasies) that i didnt like penises.

im asexual, so i dont feel attracted to anyone. i just like the pleasure sexual activities give me. and i Did feel good when he would express pleasure, i just didnt get That Much pleasure out of it myself.

[Heather]

Ugh. So, someone that won’t stop talking about something you are clear you aren’t into and then suggesting you do something you aren’t into is being a self-centered jerk, and that really is all there is to it.

It’s pretty impossible to have good sex with a self-centered jerk and my best advice is that once you know someone is, you stop trying to. This guy isn’t going to be a good partner to you or probably anyone.

Again, I wouldn’t worry that this tells you anything about what you may or may not like with others save that you have learned jerks don’t get you off, which is great news. I’d cut this guy loose and move on.

[Sofi]

Hi vio! I just wanted to check in and see how that went/is going with him, and how else we can support you around this. Would you like to talk more about this experience with him in particular, or about how to move forward with experimenting sexually since this experience wasn't enjoyable?

[vio]

Hi vio! I just wanted to check in and see how that went/is going with him, and how else we can support you around this. Would you like to talk more about this experience with him in particular, or about how to move forward with experimenting sexually since this experience wasn't enjoyable?

hi sofi!

i told him a few weeks ago that it wasn't working out, and he agreed for his own reasons. what confuses me though is that he'll kinda imply wanting to have a sexual relationship again (which idk if thats a joke or not. most likely is but he's been known to backpedal). and of course, he keeps assuming i enjoyed giving him a blowjob orz

[Sofi]

I gotta say, I agree with everyone else who chimed in before me, this doesn't seem like someone I would recommend having any kind of sexual relationship with. Especially if he's doing the thing where he "jokes" about it to see how you react, then backpedals if you don't react how he wants you to. That's just manipulative, to be honest. Not to even mention him assuming you enjoyed something you literally told him you didn't . Definitely for the best to keep some distance and not get involved with him in that way again. <3