I want sex but sort of non-traditionally? Am I Selfish?

[insert_username]

More like a rant/vent than a solid question but I hope thats fine.
I've been thinking about like. The concept of sex, or i guess sexual acts. On one hand, I dont really desire it, but on the other im a bit selfish in the regard that I want to see what pleasure a potential partner (not romantic/sexual just another person helping me out) could offer me.

So many times when im masturbating I wonder if i had more hands then i could probably get myself to orgasm faster, or be able to touch all the good places at once. (surprisingly ive found the thought to help me to orgasm faster when I imagine someone else doing it to me)

I dont really have a gender preference all that much tbh, just as long i would be able to have guidance in some way shape or form. Hell, ive gotten off on just... the idea of a person and not even a gender. Just... Person. I suppose it would lean more male/masculine but gender was never the biggest factor.

Lowkey one of the desires that really gets me riled up is the concept of other people pleasuring me, but theres no particularity to it? Its always just a blank face to me but its one of the few actual sexual fantasies (can you call it that?) Ive had that gets me horny. I might even be a bit horny as of typing, its a bit embarrassing too tbh.

Like sex in the common sense doesnt feel like what im thinking of because I dont necessarily desire the other person in question, which i assume is sort of half the point (hence why ive always ID'd as aroace bc i dont really desire anyone that way specifically), but rather I just wanna feel a ton of pleasure from someone else fingering me or touching me, or masturbating alongside me or something. Sort of like an assistant of sorts and not as a partner I desire fully. Idk. I mean I suppose in a hypothetical scenario that would be nice n all to pleasure them but its not as arousing to me, like doing them a favor and not out of any desire. Its more just searching for a new wave of feeling, I guess.

I don't know if that makes me selfish for wanting my own gratification so badly from someone else but not the reverse.
I wouldnt even call it a kink or something, perhaps its a fantasy(?) because im assuming that its more specific than "someone touching me" and fantasies I suppose could be more broader but still I feel ljke both terms imply some specificity, which i dont know if I have
I'm a virgin and havent had sex before (I haven't watched much sexual media, mostly reading smut online) so perhaps im just hyping it up far too much in my head but its just such a beautiful idea I cant help myself. Execution of it is a lot harder though bc of my living situation + lack of people that I know, and i suppose i understand to a degree why sex workers make good bank.
Idk where im going with this but I wanted to get it out there so I dont feel so alone somehow lol.

[char]

Hi insert_username,

I don't think you're selfish at all for having this kind of sexual fantasy. When it comes to sex, sometimes there's an assumption that we have to do the exact same thing to our partner(s) after receiving a certain act for sex to be "fair." This assumption isn't true, because A) what is pleasurable for one person compared to another is different; B) we don't need to involve all of our body parts into sex for it to be good; and C) for a lot of people, doing something to their partner (e.g. giving someone oral sex) can bring them sexual pleasure, too. As long as everyone shows enthusiastic, active consent and there's communication throughout, we don't have to "return the favor" in the exact same way to each other. I feel like this article can explain this whole thing better for you: Reciprocity, Reloaded

Another way of seeing this fantasy is that it may be influenced by, among other things, your current lack of experience (which is completely fine! You're never "too late" to have partnered sex, if you wish to do so in the future). This doesn't mean everyone who hasn't had sex with anyone must feel this way, but the curiosity you have is completely normal. You're on point for not calling it a "kink" either, since that word can mean a lot of different things depending on who's using it. Whether or not you may have "overhyped" partnered sex in the past after you've done it is something only you can decide, but as we know, sometimes our expectations may not align to what we experience in real life. Am I making sense?

[insert_username]

Thanks for the reply!

Yeah i think so. It is nice to know its not selfish, I sort of always got the idea that while you dont have to perform the *same* exact action to someone else, that it just always felt a bit unfair if both people arent getting anything, but what ur saying makes sense.
I just don't want to overidealize because stuff like porn and erotica are said to be inaccurate representations but it doesn't sound too bad. I do tend to let my imagination sore in other cases just to be sorely let down so I want to sort of be semi-realistic about it to an extent. Hard too when its all a big unknown though.

I dont know. I guess I won't know till I get try it, which is hard since I dont really traditionally feel that way towards anyone in particular (hence my issue of finding someone) so I wouldnt even be sure where to begin even if I wasn't living with my parents in a small apartment.

It's a bit conflicting because on one hand I want to explore pleasure and what it means for me, but on the other, I also don't desire a constant sexual relationship or even a romantic one, so it feels like I'm supposed to think about it far less superficially than I currently am, no matter how true or untrue that is. Like I get the notion people think of sex they think of like. Two people in love who wanna fuck or some shit. And to an extent that's whats bothering me. I *know* its perfectly fine to go against the norm but i also kind of don't...? Society i guess haha.

[Heather]

Like char mentioned, the way sex usually goes between people who are really enjoying themselves is that everyone is enjoying themselves, including when one person is focusing on another person's body in a given way that their own body isn't being focused on. Just because a clitoris isn't being touched, for example, doesn't mean the person with that clitoris isn't experiencing pleasure. We have whole bodies full of sensory nerve endings, and our partner's pleasure is also often very exciting, so, for example, someone using their hands on a partner's genitals is not only feeling a bunch of yummy stuff with and on their hands and, less directly, the rest of their bodies, they are also -- assuming they really want to be doing what they are doing -- getting sexual pleasure from creating pleasure for their partner.

I think trying to think of all of this abstractly is often really difficult, and I'd encourage you to try and let all that projecting go. When you do connect with someone you want to be sexual with, you will get to talk with that person about what you each like and want and can see if you might be a good fit together. Too, we often don't know for sure what we want in a relationship until we are faced with that unique relationship because different people and relationships often offer us different things. When you meet someone, you'll feel what you feel and want what you want with them, and you'll both be able to make decisions from there. In the meantime, you are 100% allowed to fantasize about whatever dynamics you want, I'd just use those ideas and ideals for feeling good, like during masturbation, than as fodder for unnecessary worry about the future, you know?