nervous about writing erotica for myself

[mel]

Online roleplaying has been a hobby of mine for around 10 years now. I haven't done any erotic roleplays (just havent found the people for that yet, might take a long time until that happens </3 ) but I enjoy writing and playing around with fictional characters, especially original characters (OCs).

I've wanted to write some erotica just for myself when it comes to some of these fictional characters. However, I've been nervous about whether I should ask my friends if I could use their OC(s) in this type of material, or if I should just go ahead and do it and only talk about it when I feel comfortable doing so. Sex isn't really a thing I talk about with other people outside of jokes, but it is something I like to explore in my own private writing, and it's pretty frequent that I'm only in the mood to think about sexual scenarios between OCs.

I know that one of the main reasons I'm so nervous about it is because in the past, one of my ex-friends drew NSFW of one of my current friends' OCs without asking permission, which upset them. But I also know that part of the reason why my current friend was so upset was because that ex-friend didn't really think about their character three-dimensionally-- they just reduced the character down to simple tropes and traits. I'd be nervous that my friend might think that's what I'd do to their characters even though I try my best to understand them for what they are.

I'm also just nervous about the hypothetical conversation in general- I feel like my friend's the type to be apprehensive about saying yes unless I allowed them to see my work (and I'm even more apprehensive about that happening because I used to be heavily repressed about some things I am significantly less repressed about and my friend still thinks I find some of my kinks/fetishes disgusting and I'm really nervous about telling them that that's not really accurate anymore!) Yet at the same time I also feel like that's the anxiety talking. And so I don't know what's right.

Is anyone here able to give a second opinion? Is it okay to write about OCs fucking without asking someone for permission first? Is it different if you're just doing it for yourself VS posting it anywhere?

[lilikoi]

Hi mel!

It sounds like there are two things to work out here. 1) How to navigate using other people's OCs for erotica. 2) Talking to friends about sex .

Whether using your friends' content or a stranger's, I would say that it is important to get permission first. Sex is extremely intimate and when we involve other people in our sexual content without their permission, it can feel violating. I am not super familiar with OCs but I imagine that they are characters that people think about a lot and feel ownership over. If that's the case, I could imagine that they feel like an extension of ourselves and very personal. I think of fantasies that exist in our head as a kind of drafting board for future tangible experiences. As long as it stays in your head, it is okay to let your imagination run wild. That being said, when it comes to creating content (to share with the world or just for yourself) I would personally air on the side of safety and create your own characters until you get permission. If there is concern about your friends' comfort, the best way to dispell that is to talk to them.

That leads me to your second concern about talking to friends about sex. This is so relatable! We do not get taught how to have any types of vulnerable conversations and add on to that feeling the shame associated with sex that is hammered into us from early on in life--it's so. Stinkin. Hard. I still have a hard time sharing with friends.

I think it's really cool that you have an artform to help get the conversation started! Could you share more about why you are apprehensive to show your friends? I imagine it's more unfiltered than you normally are with your friends but it sort of sound like that's not what's holding you back. When it comes to sexual preferences, it's completely normal to change your mind about what you like! How would it feel to start a conversation with your friends by letting them know up front that you feel embarrassed or sensitive about their reactions to what you like? Saying what's holding us back helps alleviate the tension we feel in hard conversations and lets friends know how to be supportive!

I really appreciate your question! I hadn't considered the boundaries surrounding erotica before so I will make a note of it for our team in case anyone with more expertise has something to chime in with!

[mel]

Hi lilikoi! Thanks so much for responding to my post.

I'm really glad to get confirmation about not just going ahead and doing it. I was really unsure if it'd cross a boundary or not, and even though I'm fine if my friends were to make NSFW of my OCs (as long as they were trying to be respectful about the character(s)) without asking, I understood to some level before posting this that it might not carry over to other people.

In regards to being nervous about what I'd wanna write and possibly show my friend (I'm going to call them Z from this point out just to avoid confusion), well. Bear with me, this is going to be a few long paragraphs. We've been friends for a long time, since we were both teenagers, but they're still a few years older than me. We're both over 18 now though, and hell we even live together now, but it feels weird to even think about having serious discussions about sex. It's just the kind of relationship we have. I'm not interested in Z in that way, and I know they aren't either. It feels easier to talk about sexual topics with new friends, especially ones I've already interacted with in NSFW spaces, but for ones I've known for a long time? It's. not so easy.

Another part of it kind of pertains to that ex-friend I mentioned. I was very repressed about the exact things that they were into and made art of (said things aren't inherently NSFW but, you know, everything's fetishizable), and Z knew about my disgust for these things and took care to avoid talking about them around me. Recently, (the past like. I don't know, year? Months?) I've been trying to make it a little more obvious that I'm not as disgusted by these things as I previously was, primarily through jokes about it.

But I think one of the things that has made this feel the most awkward was that I let Z look through my sketchbook when we met up in person, which has a few NSFW drawings, including a few of some of the aforementioned fetishes I'm into. But I guess my drawing skills weren't up to par (I was rather nervous about drawing what I wanted to in the first place) and so it just. flew right over their head? And I didn't even fully realize what had happened until several months later. All the NSFW drawings were also covered with sticky notes and labelled as such too, just in case. I thought that them looking through my journal would let me be a little more open and honest and have to avoid a more proper confrontation or conversation, but uh. Well that didn't quite happen.

There's just one more thing that adds to my hesitance. That I know of, at least. Z and one of my other friends (who I haven't been roleplaying with much recently with due to a difference in interests) were doing some roleplays and decided to make a section on a small server we share private even to other moderators, which includes myself and most other people on the server. Which is reasonable and a decision I respect. The reason they did this was that one of their roleplays didn't and won't necessarily get explicit (like, Z told me they weren't going to do graphic sex scenes, just fade to black), but was still getting too sugguestive/raunchy for them to feel okay with it being so public. At one point though I got curious and asked to view it, but Z only wanted to allow me access if they were in the room with me and got to see my reaction IRL, which made me nervous and uncomfortable, so I declined. This is the main reason why I feel like Z might want to see what I want to write if I ask for permission to.

I guess I could try to open up a conversation by saying "hey I'm nervous about what I'm about to tell you" but the idea of it still makes me very anxious.

[amber]

Hi mel,

Hope it is ok for me to jump in! I agree with lilikoi and yourself about airing on the side of caution and having that discussion with your friends prior.

I can understand feeling nervous about chatting with a friend about sex when it is a topic that has not been introduced in your dynamic before. I definitely talk more openly about sex with some friends than others! How would you feel about bringing up this topic, just like you did with us, to those other friends? They may be able to offer some insight or even help you navigate any future conversations with Z.

On the other hand, I want to ask a bit more about this last thing you mentioned with Z. Did the interaction make you uncomfortable because it felt like Z was being suggestive (that is implying if you read the content together it would be sexual in nature)?