Low sexual pleasure and sensitivity :(

[carrabear]

I am 20 and do not feel really any physical sexual pleasure whether that be penetration or other touch down there. I feel the touch but it’s like I’m not sensitive at all. This is both when I’m being touched by someone else and when I touch myself. The one thing that kinda works is rubbing against something like a pillow, but it’s a very short amount of time that I feel anything and then all of the sudden it’s just over. Aside from that I really don’t feel much which is weird because it’s not like I’m dry. I don’t really know how to go about this but could really use some help.

[KierC]

Hey there Carrabear, and welcome to the boards! I’m so glad you’re here.

I am sorry to hear you’ve been struggling with feeling any sexual pleasure! You’re not alone, though. We speak with people about this issue, and it comes up frequently. If it’s alright, I’d like to ask a couple questions to see if we can figure out something that works for you.

So, that’s helpful information to know that you can *feel* the touch, it just doesn’t feel particularly pleasureful or anything. When you go to masturbate, do you generally feel aroused or excited beforehand? Could you describe generally how you feel or what headspace you’re in when you go to explore masturbation?

[carrabear]

Hi thank you!

Yes I would say so. Maybe not every time but i have definitely given myself chances to try while visualizing something and taking it a bit slower and still have not felt very much. As i mentioned the thing with the pillow does actually do something but as i mentioned it’s very short and as soon as it starts to feel good it ends very quickly. Its almost like every time i just keep wondering if one day it will actually turn into something stronger but it never happens.

[Heather]

Hi there, carrabear.

How much we feel and how good it feels often has a LOT to do with how turned on we are in the first place. Would you say that your experience with all of this is the same even when you are very, very excited (if that's something you have yet experienced to compare with)?

[carrabear]

Yes I think so it’s pretty much the same but I guess I could try to focus on that more and see it if helps. However even with my partner who I am definitely attracted to and am excited with I still feel hardly anything which is weird to me because I thought I’d feel more sensitive with someone else touching me.

[maille]

Hi, carrabear.

Thanks for opening up here on the boards! I think it is a worthwhile cause to try focusing on getting excited each time. That can look like building up sensations, stimulating other senses besides touch and so on.

I also think this article might be a good one for understanding sexual response, if that is something you would like to become more familiar with. Let us know if you have any questions about it! Sexual Response/Orgasm Article

[carrabear]

Hi thank you I will definitely take a look at the article. When considering intimacy with my partner do you have any suggestions or articles for that because as I mentioned it’s not like I’m not turned on then I just still don’t feel anything.

[maille]

Yeah, I have a couple pieces that come to mind that might be worth reading! Sexual response is so much more than just what is happening in our genitals. I really would encourage you to lessen your focus on that region, as there is so much more to explore, particularly in our brains!! You mentioned you try visualizing stimuli at times, so I'll tack on an article about fantasy too.

No Sexual Sensitivity Advice Column

Sexual Fantasy

[carrabear]

Hello,

I’ve read through some of the articles and have tried to be more imaginative/spend more time activating my brain. I’m not sure that it’s really changed too much. I think what confuses me is as I said rubbing against something like a pillow will get me to a good feeling where it actually is pleasurable but this feeling in its entirety only lasts for like 10 seconds so I think that’s where I’m confused is I don’t know why it just ends every single time.

[lilikoi]

Hi Carrabear,

Since you said you've thought about the mental aspects of pleasure, I want to cover a few questions about adapting your physical experience. Before we dive into that, though, it could be helpful to get some more context about your relationship to sex in general. Are there emotional aspects of pleasure or desire that are not satisfying to you? Do you feel tapped into your sexuality outside of the issue of direct stimulation?

In terms of physical considerations, have you tried using artificial lube to supplement your natural lubrication? The synthetic ingredients are meant to enhance stimulation which could work well for you! Have you tried changing pressure/location/speed? Sometimes, the trick for maintaining a pleasurable feeling is to delay the really good feeling. You can do this by pausing direct stimulation when you find the perfect spot and changing locations. Alternatively, have you tried using toys which enhance stimulation? This works for some people who like direct stimulation and whose bodies naturally need more stimulative input to activate their pleasure receptors.

[carrabear]

In terms of the physical aspects I havent really tried anything like lube or a toy. I have thought about investing I guess I just feel funny doing that. Howber, on my own I have tried different pressures/locations.

Emotionally I would like to say im pretty tapped in. I think sometimes whether it be on my own or with my partner though it’s hard to separate some of the anxieties of not feeling anything. Im so focused on that and it’s hard not to be especially when my partner is trying to please me. However I do feel like I am pretty tapped into my sexuality. I do wonder sometimes if anxiety could be affecting it. I dont take any medication and have no been diagnosed but it is something that has crossed my mind.

[lilikoi]

Hi carrabear,

It's hard for us to say what will work for you! But, thinking through all of the reasons for low sensitivity, the brain body connection is massive. If anxiety is a concern, finding ways to manage that while being intimate will be key for maximizing the pleasure you experience. One way to help with that is to think about the factors that turn you off and turn you on. The quality of lighting could be impactful or the sounds around you or the time of day. There are a lot of aspects of sex that are overlooked by people. Not everyone is going to be easily aroused by skin on skin contact. If you are comfortable exploring pleasure and arousal beyond direct stimulation, making a list of your sexy sensory needs could be a fun and playful way to approach sex and maximize your turn-ons.

That being said, lube and toys are awesome for enhancing stimulation! Can you share what about those options make you feel funny?

[carrabear]

It’s been a few weeks and I’ve been trying things out and am still struggling… I tried something that is not a vibrator but is pretty similar and still nothing felt that good. There would be points I guess where I started to get sensitive but it wasn’t like a pleasurable feeling. I’ve been trying to use my imagination too and give myself more time and I don’t know what else to try. Similar to when I use my fingers there would be a point with the vibrator (but not) that it did start to feel good but that would only be for like 5 seconds and it would get too overwhelming or it would just stop. I am just really confused and am not sure when it gets to a point that I should consult a doctor.

[lilikoi]

Hi carrabear,

Sorry this has been confusing! I know you weren't sure about toys but it's helpful information to know that vibration isn't working either. Have you been able to try adding lube? That is a surprisingly stimulating thing for many people. Also, if it feels good for 5 seconds, have you tried touching for a second or two before it becomes overwhelming or fades and then stopping? Doing that and then waiting before you try again can feel nice and extend the sensation you feel.

Talking in person to an OB-GYN could provide more information since they can see you in person with a detailed medical history and refer you to specialists while we cannot. Given all the experimenting you have tried, I think it's a great idea to consult a doctor! That isn't to say that will resolve the issue. Unfortunately, most doctors are not trained in rehabilitating pleasure. But they are supposed to be our sources of knowledge about our bodies so don't feel like you need to have exhausted all options before asking them a question. You are right to be curious! It's frustrating to be having sex without pleasure!

If you have a history of trauma or witnessing trauma, it could also be worth seeking out a psychotherapist of some kind. A good OB-GYN might also have a list of sex therapists and sex/intimacy coaches in your area. Their specialty is pleasure and sexual comfort. Another option would be to look for a certified AASECT therapist (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). If toys and lube felt weird, I know that might feel extra weird but pleasure is a meaningful way to connect to our bodies. It is okay to seek out resources to be able to feel pleasure. When I had pain during sex, my OB-GYN referred me to a physical therapist to help with my pelvic muscles but no one was able to address the fear and discomfort I had also built up. I ended up seeing a sex coach and she customized the experience for me. Some sessions, we just talked about pleasure and sex and what feels good on my body. If you are looking for doctors who address pleasure, they will likely have some kind of certification in sex/intimacy.

And if you want help finding resources in your area, just fill out this contact form to share your city and zipcode with our staff. Let us know if you do so we can keep an eye out and email you options.

[carrabear]

I know it’s been awhile since ive been on the board. I’m still having the same issue but noticed something. When i’m being touched my clitoris eventually does become overly sensitive but not to a point where its pleasurable which is weird because prior to that I feel nothing and then all of the sudden it just kinda hurts. At the same time my legs have been shaking so I feel like my body is still reacting but it’s not receiving the pleasure signals of being touched? Im not sure if that makes sense. I know last time we came to the resolution that I should see a doctor. I just thought i might as well add in this info. I think I just dont know what I would say to a doctor about this and I’m fearful that if its a nerve issue I would not be able to fix it soon.

[char]

Hi carrabear, thanks for updating us. Whenever sex feels painful, it's best that you stop doing what you're doing to prevent things from getting worse. Could you tell us a bit more about this based on these questions:

- Has this been happening for as long as you've started having sex (solo/partnered), or has this only happened recently?
- Does the pain happen after your partner touches your clitoris directly, or does it happen when your clitoris is touched through clothing?
- Can you describe the pain and sensitivity a bit more? Is it like an ache, an itch, or a burn?

There is a possibility that your clitoris is erect out of arousal, but it could also be something worth discussing to an OB/GYN (which would be able to provide a more specific help compared to a general doctor). It's best to be explain things as they are, but I understand that this can be challenging for a lot of people. If that's the case, it can be helpful to find an OB/GYN that shares similarities with you, doing the consultation online, and/or doing more than one visit and slowly open up with your concerns. Have you been able to see a professional since the last time we talked?

[Heather]

Hey, carrabear: I also want to just check in about your mental health, since I don't feel like we have really discussed that, and it can be a huge player in how sexually aroused we can get, as well as how much pleasure we can or can't feel.

You mentioned struggles with anxiety: can you say more about those? Is there anything else you struggle with with mental health? Might you be suffering from any kind of depression, for example? One of the reasons I ask about that is I can't help but wonder if you have been feeling sensations that would otherwise be pleasurable, but don't feel that way to you because your brain -- a much more likely player here than your clitoris -- effectively isn't letting you feel pleasure or is really limiting how much of it you feel. Is accessing pleasure in others ways something you can do, like, for example, pleasure from favorite foods, from movement in your body, or from being with people you love?

[carrabear]

Hi! Thank you for your response.
The pain I guess is kind of like an ache or soreness almost. I find this strange because this seems like the usual reaponse after you’ve been too overstimulated but it’s almost like my body skipped over all of the steps straight to that. Unless like you said my brain is interrupting the signals. In terms if my mental health, I don’t think that I am depressed at all. I have not been diagnosed with anxiety but do find myself to have anxious tendencies. I wouldnt really say I experience that when I’m with my partner but maybe i dont even realize it’s happening? Im no sure if that could also block signals. But even trying by myself I wouldnt say I’m anxious during that. I think I probably should talk to an obgyn and would prefer to online but don’t know where to start. Also yes, I definitely get pleasure from exercise and foods and all sorts of things.
Lastly I was looking up things about clitoral adhesions and I was trying to figure out if that could be the case but I’m not too sure.

[Heather]

So, an OB/GYN will not be able to do a telehealth appointment for something like this, especially if you are not already their patient. They will need to examine you. Given you're 21, it's time for you to start seeing an OB/GYN anyway, since this is the time of life it's suggested everyone, especially those who have been sexual with partners, starts getting pap smears for cancer screenings if they have not yet already, and other STI screenings, too, as needed.

I'm not so sure, personally, this is an issue with your genital anatomy, but like I said, you should probably start your reproductive healthcare anyway, so how about doing that and then also asking about this when you are there? Ruling out any physical issues is always a good idea, and that's just not something anyone is going to be able to do for you online.

Do you have health insurance and a primary care provider? If so, you can follow whatever protocol you need to per your insurance to get specialized care: depending on your plan, that could be getting a referral from your primary care provider or just using the website for your insurance to choose an OB/GYN your plan covers. If you use public health instead of private insurance, you should just need a referral from the clinic or primary care provider you typically see, or you can access an OB/GYN via an independent clinic or Planned Parenthood branch: https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CID/DC ... vider.aspx#