i don't know how to masturbate

[wafflesese]

i'm 19, cis female, and i've never been able to properly masturbate. i feel like i've tried everything (that's in my ability to.) i know when i feel turned on, i get a little funny feeling in my stomach, so i decide to act on it. i also know i have to turn myself on to feel pleasure, so i usually read something or listen to audios. audios really turn me on. i know what i like - i'm a lesbian so i listen to relevant stuff - and it helps turn me on but i can never get myself to feel that pleasure, so i think i'm doing it wrong.
i've read up about it a lot - to relax myself, touch my body first etc, but nothing seems to work.
my breasts are basically useless when it comes to masturbating - i don't feel any pleasure at all when i touch them in any way.
touching my clit feels good sometimes - depending on the speed and the way i do it. penetration doesn't really feel good. i've tried it on multiple occasions but instead of feeling good it just feels like i've shoved a finger inside myself - not uncomfortable or painful, just there.
all i really want to do is make myself feel pleasure and maybe even orgasm, but i'm not sure how and it's frustrating when i get myself turned on and pent up and then can't even do anything about it. i feel really behind considering there are people way younger than me who know way more than me about this stuff.
masturbation is looked down upon in my culture so i never really did it until maybe a year ago, when i started distancing myself from it (my culture) - which is also around the time i came out.
i'd love to try using a toy but i live with my family and if they ever found out i had one i'd probably never see the light of day again (exaggeration, but still.)
it's just kind of annoying and sometimes i feel a little stupid when i'm laying there, rubbing my clit but it doesn't feel like anything is happening.

[Becky]

Hi wafflesese! Welcome to Scarleteen!

I’m really impressed by the amount of research you’ve done! You’ve built yourself a great toolkit of helpful tips!

For starters, I’d definitely like to emphasize that there is no right way to masturbate! It’s all about self-pleasure so if you’re doing something that feels good for you then you are self-pleasuring. Even if you don’t orgasm!

I also want to say that I think you’re very brave for coming out and being true to yourself and beginning to explore your own body, even when your culture frowns upon these things. The cultures and religions we grow up in can have a lot of impact on our views of sex and pleasure and our relationships with our bodies. And unfortunately, a lot of us are often taught very negative or even frightening things about our bodies, sex, and masturbation. But just because something is taught in our culture, doesn’t necessarily make it right or true.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating and there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to experience it! It is a totally harmless practice that actually has many benefits! Like reducing stress and allowing us to explore what brings us physical pleasure. This is great for your own knowledge and you can tell a partner how to make you feel good too. And, well, it just feels good!

And finally, I want to let you know that you are definitely not “behind” anyone. Everyone’s sexual journey is different and people experience things at different times. Some people experience their first orgasm as a teenager and others don’t experience it until their 40s.

Ok, back to your question! So it sounds like you would be interested in having an orgasm. While this doesn’t have to be the focus of masturbation (or partnered sex either!) orgasms can be really pleasurable. And if you want to experience one, I can definitely offer some tips to hopefully get you there!

1) Don’t rush yourself. Reaching orgasm can take longer than you might think, especially for those of us with vulvas. We’re talking 10-30 minutes of stimulation. Some people might take even longer! And that’s ok! Take your time and enjoy the journey. You might find this article about the sexual response cycle interesting!

2) If your fingers aren’t quite doing it for you and you don’t feel comfortable buying a sex toy, don’t worry! All hope is not lost. There are plenty of ways to DIY sex toys for yourself that are safe, effective, and most importantly, inconspicuous! In fact we have a whole article about DIYing toys!

3) Try stimulating other parts of your vulva! Did you know that the clitoris is more than just the little nub between your labia? That’s just the part that we can see on the outside of our bodies. It actually extends all the way around the inside of your labia! So try rubbing or using a vibrator all around your labia and vaginal opening. You might find a different spot works better for you. Here’s an article we have about sexual anatomy. There’s a diagram where you can see just how big the clitoris actually is.

4) Alternatively, some people find direct stimulation of the clitoris unpleasant or too stimulating. Maybe experiment with touching yourself while keeping your underwear or even pants on and see if some indirect stimulation feels better for you.

5) I love, love, LOVE that you’re already familiar with erotic audio. That is my all time favorite way to get in the mood. Have you tried combining your methods? Maybe stimulating your clitoris while listening to your favorite erotic audio at the same time?

6) Shake up your methods and positions! I think when a lot of us begin masturbating we start with the classic laying on your back method. But you can also try laying on your stomach, kneeling, standing, sitting on a chair, in the bath… truly I think the only limit is our imaginations.

You could also try grinding on (aka dry humping) your hand or a pillow.

I hope these are helpful! At the end of the day, all that matters is that you feel good and are enjoying yourself. Orgasms can feel really nice, but they don’t have to be the focus of our sexual experiences. So please don’t beat yourself up if it takes you a while to get there <3

Before I go, I also just want to touch on what orgasming might feel like. A lot of people think that “you’ll just know” when you have an orgasm but that isn’t true for everyone. And it usually doesn’t look like how they portray it in pornography either. It usually feels like a building pressure and then a pleasurable release. Kind of like sneezing! Or imagine a coil getting coiled tighter and tighter until it suddenly springs up. Your breathing might get quicker and you might experience some muscle spasms but you won’t necessarily make a lot of noise or thrash around like women do in pornography.

Here’s some other reading from our website that you might find helpful. There are lots of other people who are having a similar experience to you and feeling like they struggle with orgasming.

Why Can't I Orgasm?
When the Big O is a No Show

Let me know how you’re feeling about all of this and if I can answer any other questions.

You got this!!
- Becky