I‘m scared of coercing my bf who has been sexually abused by his ex

[Jesski]

Me f14 (almost 15) and my boyfriend m15 have been together since the beginning of the year. He's very caring and loving and always makes sure I‘m feeling comfortable andsafe. We‘ve come pretty far in our relationship (physically and mentally). Last time I stayed at his place I took his hand and put it under my shirt. He immediately pulled his hand back and I apologized. He then said he was just surprised that i would do something and told me he needed to think about it. I told him its ok and he later tried again. He said he‘s not doing it because he likes it he‘s just doing it for me. Later I pulled out some jokes why I can‘t sleep shirtless and he can. He then said it would‘t bother him. He then hesitated after I asked him if he would take my shirt off and then took it off. It was kind of an awkward feeling.

He once told me that his first and only gf before me abused him. They were together for like 2-4 weeks. They only spent time together when they drove to school by bus. She then put her hand in his pants and took his hand and put it in her pants. They broke up after a few weeks and she said that she already had a new bf.

I feel like I did the same with putting his hand in my shirt but I apologized to him many times and he said that it‘s okay. He also said that he’s fine with that now.
I also feel like I‘m ready for further things but I‘m not quite sure if he wold or could too.
I think he‘s scared of loosing or hurting me but I‘m to. I really don‘t want to pressure him or something else. I also want him to feel comfortable around me and not be scared of loosing me.
I also want him to talk more about what HE wants. We‘ve talked about it a few times and the only thing he has said so far is that he would like me to bite him (not in a way I could really hurt him, more like a playful way biting in his arm e.g.). I don‘t really feel safe with that because I’m scared of hurting him but he just says i could never harm him physically. But that can‘t be all he likes, can it?

[char]

Hi Jesski, welcome to the boards

From your post, it seems like your boyfriend deeply trusts you. Sure, it could be helpful for him to be more specific with what he likes sexually, but so far he's been very vulnerable with you. Because of that, I think it'd be wise to take your time. This doesn't mean holding off from having convos about sex forever, but rather see how the relationship unfolds between the two of you and whether physical intimacy that is more than what you have been doing seems right.

If and when all looks pretty good, I think being deliberate with the discussion is the way to go here. Instead of asking to talk about it out of the blue, which can startle the other person, maybe you and your boyfriend can allocate a specific time and place to discuss it. Also, asking more specific questions and following them up can help. For example, instead of asking "How do you like to be touched?", you can ask "How does (insert specific action here) sound to you?" or "Would you prefer if I touch your (insert body part here) gently or with a bit more power?". Since your boyfriend has mentioned that he likes being bitten softly, you may want to follow up on where he likes to be bitten (if you haven't).

How does all of this sound to you?

[Heather]

I also want to just pop in and say that verbal consent is really the key here. It is for everyone, including people without abuse or assault trauma, but it's especially important for people in that group. Really, no one should just be taking people's body parts and putting them places without asking, or touching people's bodies without asking, especially when we are new to each other or when sex or physical affection -- things like holding hands, hugging or kissing, for instance -- in our relationship is new.

Unfortunately, a lot of folks grow up without being told about verbal consent, or without having it modeled for them, including in every day interactions where it should be happening, like touch from relatives, or when a doctor or hairdresser or yoga teacher wants to touch our body to do their job.

It might be really helpful for you *both* to have a read of this, and then just talk about what you took away from it, and how you can do active consenting in your relationship together: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent. <3