Aromantic and I don’t want to die alone

[thereistime]

I’m 24 and aro/ace. I’ve never had a crush on anyone or sexual feelings towards anyone and I’ve id’ed as aroace for a long time.

I’m at a point in my life where a lot of my friends are in serious relationships, getting married, and moving in with partners. And I’m realizing I’m quickly becoming everyone’s second choice or awkward third wheel, I’m never going to be the most important person to anyone. I feel locked out of so many milestones of adulthood, no first kiss, no first date, no serious relationship, no first breakup, no moving in with a partner. I feel left behind and stuck, like everyone else gets to grow up without me, everyone else is invited to a party I never get to go to.

I’m afraid of what my future looks like, for all the regular reasons anyone would feel like that right now, but also because I have no roadmap for life without a partner. I’m also chronically ill and physically disabled as well as having ADHD and possibly autism (runs in the family but never dxed), everyone else like that that I know is successful because they have a partner to lean on for support (and who has good health insurance).

I’m familiar with QPRs, I’d love to be in one, but the problem is finding someone open to that kind of relationship that I also like and who likes me. It’s not impossible but what do I do in the meantime? How do I approach people without creating the expectation of sex or romance that I can’t fulfill? There’s always a chance things change, maybe one day I’ll meet “the one”, but I can’t just wait around for it.

[Anya]

Hey thereistime,

Welcome to the boards!

This sounds like a tough spot to be in. There is this concept dominating many cultures that one must adhere to what's called "the relationship escalator" as coined by Amy Gahram. This term used to describe the societal expectations of what relationships should be, like the idea that everyone should be looking for "the one" and once you've found them its only a matter of time before cohabitation, marriage, kids, the whole thing. But the reason why a term like this is so important is to help us differenciate that this is only one of many options for how to live a full, or happy life. The default option may work for some but is sure not going to work for everyone, and trust me when I say I get living outside of this escalator can be so discouraging sometimes.

It can also be really easy to feel like you're supposed to be living on a set timeline. By reading your username it seems like you know that this, like the escalation of relationships, is not a one size fits all and there is time.

I'm sad to hear that you don feel prioritized by the people in your life, as no matter what kinds of relationships you're in be it platonic, familial, romantic, etc, youshould feel like you matter to those around you. I will say that it can often feel a lot easier to believe that you aren't cared about by others because of how they might not show it to you, than the reality of actually not being cared about by them at all, but even feeling that way can be more than difficult. I'd really recommend giving this article a look. Is there any way you might be able to help strenghten the relationships that you do have? It can be hard when people start to prioritize a spouse or kids, as it's true there is a limit to the time we have in a day. But unlike time, love and care do not exist with maximums. Reaching out to friends or family might be a good idea, especially if you are able to communicate how you feel to them and ask for some reassurance that they do really care about you. Sometimes literally asking is the best way to get those answers from people, regardless of how they truly feel.

I also want to touch on the aspect you mentioned about being chronically ill, diabled, and neurodivergent. These things tend to add an extra layer of difficulty when it comes to physically getting out there or knowing how to act once you are. This article may not provide too much new info but it's on a pretty cool person who you might look into if you're feeling alone in these experiences. They even have their own website, Claiming Crip, that's pretty cool.

I think queer platonic relationships are also a great thing to think about. It is real that finding others who yearn for those types of relationships is a slimmer demographic of people, but it's certainly not impossible. When it comes to initiating those kinds of relationships I think its always best to be honest and open to engaging with maybe more people than you would otherwise. This is not to say that you need to go up to everyone and confess your deepest desire for a QPR, but being (safely) friendly with strangers, coworkers, or acquaintances even if it's just small talk, can sometimes both lead to longer-term relationships, as well as just help satiate our human need for social connection, something we all feel. Societal expectations are a real thing, that plague everyone but I wouldnt be too quick to let them impose themselves on relationships you're creating. A good way to subtly let someone know how youre feeling is honestly just to talk about your own relationships/feelings towards relationships. Like saying, "ya know i've been really into the idea of QPR recently, is this something you know about?" can often be the easiest way to find out where someone is at.

This article is also one of my favorites, and might contain some stuff you already know, but I wanted to make sure and share it anyways as it pertains to care through friendships written by someone not looking for romantic relationships to fufill their desire for care.

How is all of this sounding to you? Does anything resonate, or do you want to talk more at length about any of these elements?

[Heather]

I do want to add one quick thing to Anya's excellent response: QPRs usually just start by two people being friends and building their friendship over time, much in the same way that most other kinds of quality relationships start (after all, friendship is the basis for all great relationships, including sexual and romantic ones -- one of the big reasons so many people's romantic and sexual relationships are so crummy or short-lived is all ab out not knowing that).

So, you don't actually have to approach someone and ask them about a queerplatonic relationship with you if that feels awkward: you can instead just create, build and keep nurturing and growing your friendships. If it helps to hear from someone who has been and still is in a few big QPRs, I'm happy to share some of my experiences and history with you.