met up with internet friend and messed it up

[oliver-kittycat]

so I’m currently on a vacation to Japan and one of the main goals was to visit my closest friend who I’ve known online for nearly a year. We talk pretty much all day every day, about our lives and characters we’ve made up. We met up a couple times with both our dads there at restaurants and then went to Disneyland together. It was incredible, I had a great time, we didn’t talk much but I thought that was what they wanted

Turns out I was wrong. The day after they explained how they were really let down by us not talking much then, that it felt super awkward, them being on their phone (which I read as them not wanting to talk) was because it was awkward. I apologised but they said they couldn’t find it in themselves to say it was okay, because they’d be lying. Apparently they had gone home and cried and talked to their other friends about it.

I just fully didn’t notice. I didn’t notice all the times they said they tried to start a conversation and it didn’t work, because to me it felt like it did work for as long as they wanted it to, it felt like we were both contributing equally to said conversations but they said I wasn’t at all. They said they still want to be friends but that there’s a sour taste in their mouth about it.

I don’t know, I’ve done all I can, I’ve apologised repeatedly, I’ve taken responsibility for the fact that I should have put more effort in. That was last night.
I asked them this morning if they wanted to keep talking like we normally do or if they needed space and they haven’t yet replied and it’s been like six hours. I’m so fucking scared of losing them and I just can’t do anything, I feel so awful and helpless and paralysed, I can barely make myself get up let alone go places and have fun on my vacation. It’s awful and I just feel so bad.

I understand why they didn’t say anything, as they explained to me they didn’t want to have an argument in the one place they can always be happy, but it wouldn’t have BEEN an argument, I’d just have tried harder. I just wish they said something while it was still fixable because now it’s not and we’re both miserable. I just want it not to have happened. I can’t do anything about it and it’s driving me crazy.

I want to give them space if they need but I miss them so badly

[Latha]

Hi Oliver!

I’m so sorry that your visit with your friend didn’t turn out how you hoped!

Though your friend was hurt, I fully believe that you didn’t intend to cause them this pain. This isn’t your fault - this sounds like a classic case of miscommunication, along with an unexpected mismatch in norms about communication. After all, when you chat online, you’re both in a different environment compared to when you met in person. But this isn’t unsolvable. Given some time, and as you said, communication, I think you two could have fun together.

This is your closest friend, and someone who you’ve talked to every day for a year - it is so understandable that you miss them and that you’re having a hard time right now. You’re right that you’ll have to give them some time to respond to you - what would help you feel a bit better while you wait?

[oliver-kittycat]

Yeah, it’s definitely miscommunication. They seem kind of mad at me which I feel awful about because it was an honest mistake idk

I do feel a bit better now, my dad and I went out and did some touristy things and it was a lot of fun, managed to take my mind off it. I still feel bad thinking about it, but it isn’t as all consuming as it was. I am pretty anxious about the fact that they still haven’t replied (it’s been twelve hours now) but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see
It isn’t really a breakup, but it kind of feels like one, so do you know any articles helping with those? I’m just not super sure what would make me feel better ha

[oliver-kittycat]

OKAY WELL. THEY REPLIED thank god for that

They said they do think they want to keep talking like we usually do in the long run, but not for hours like usual for a week or more because they’re still hurt and they need a while to warm up to me again

I said that I understand and that I get that what I did hurts a lot but I’m really glad we can still be friends, that I hope they feel better soon, and that I appreciate them talking it out with me. So. YEAH

[Jacob]

Hi Oliver!

Glad your friend is still keeping contact, but I also think it's a shame they're putting all the responsibility on you when it sounds like you really did your best with the information you had.

I feel like part of a healthy friendship is accepting that everyone is always still learning how to communicate with eachother and being able to move on. By the sounds of it the two of you didn't have the level of instant connection you thought you would and couldn't rely on the other just "knowing" what you wanted.

If your friend is making you feel like you're still in the wrong, even after explaining yourself, I think it's worth reminding yourself that in the long term this may not be how you want to feel in a friendship.

Of course I understand wanting to have less intense contact but if your friend is not taking responsibility for making that request but instead saying it's only because of how much they say you hurt them, that doesn't sound like a very fair way of sharing who takes responsibility and who doesn't. It sounds a bit more like punishment, which that kind of request doesn't need to be!

What do you think you want from the friendship going forward?

[oliver-kittycat]

Urgh I don’t knoww
I know them putting it all on me isn’t really fair, but things are still so fragile that I really don’t want to bring it up, since I have no idea how they’d react. Like I told them I genuinely couldn’t tell anything was wrong and they said they’re very good at controlling the emotions they want to express, and “I guess I should’ve said something, but it really seemed like you wanted to be left alone”, but it really seemed to me like THEY wanted to be left alone
They also said the reason conversations kept hitting dead ends was that I never really expanded much on stuff
And these may be true, but I just idk, I don’t really get why they’re blaming me for it so much because we’re BOTH very neurodivergent, I’m just like socially awkward? And I thought they’d get that?

My hope is that they’re just very emotional rn and that they’ll calm down a bit about it soon and maybe take some responsibility about it, which I think might happen, since they’re usually a pretty level headed person and don’t like to take sides in arguments between our other friends, but idk

And I know this all sounds pretty shitty, but I don’t think they’re doing it on purpose, and losing them would hurt so much worse than not immediately being like “well it was your fault too”
Idk. Honestly since I’ve cheered up a bit by doing other things I’ve felt a little detached, which is kind of good since I’m not in emotional agony anymore, but it also kind of sucks bc I don’t know what to do with THEIR emotions rn. This is hard

[Sofi]

You know, I agree with Jacob here - it really isn't fair to put all this on you, considering you had no ill intentions and were doing your best. I'm autistic and I understand what you're going through, I've met online friends in real life and it's been AWKWARD...but I would never blame that on them or feel guilty about it either. It's not anyone's fault that there was some miscommunication and you were on a different page. Please don't beat yourself up about it, you really did nothing wrong.

As much as it sucks, friendships sometimes go through arguments and difficult situations like this one. You don't need to cut this friend off by all means, if they come back around and apologize, it's good to give friends a second chance with something like this where no one really did anything cruel to the other. Just don't feel like you've messed this up, no matter the outcome. Going on about your vacation and giving them space is the best option here, then you can hear them out once they've calmed down and are open to talking about it more.

Regardless you did your best and I'm really sorry it didn't go as you expected it would (despite it feeling like it did in the moment). I know that's super disappointing, but again, you did nothing wrong here, okay? <3

[oliver-kittycat]

Thanks Sofi <3 yeah, I don’t really think it was my fault, but I get where they’re coming from and I really don’t want to cause more conflict by saying that

I hate it, but honestly I’m a little mad at them for blaming me so much and acknowledging things they could’ve done but still turning it back around on me. Like surely they should understand that I just, like, didn’t pick up on a social cue?

I think it’s possibly also coming from me not quite understanding why this hurt them so badly. To me, meeting up with them irl was fun and exciting and cool, but ultimately not that important, since we can just talk online anyway. But for them that doesn’t seem to be the case. I guess meeting irl was really special to them in a way I don’t totally get
And I just wish they would have communicated ANY of this to me beforehand instead of assuming I can read their mind. By their own admission they’re really good at controlling their emotions, so how was I supposed to tell anything was wrong?? And I’ve known them only through text for a year— I can read their text tone just fine, but I feel it’s kind of unfair to expect me to read irl tone and body language as well. It’s like meeting a whole new person.

But I don’t WANT to be mad at them, I care about them so much and I feel awful that they were hurt. I just. Idk. I know it isn’t my fault but I can’t say that yet

[Jacob]

I think being a bit mad is okay, especially as you seem to be coming around from 100% self-blame.

I think how you deal with that feeling of anger is more important than wanting not to experience it. On one hand it's the raw emotional part of your self-esteem bouncing back, which you need, on the other hand it sounds like you only really want them to know that this mutual miscommunication hurt you too, and to feel like you are on an equal footing when moving through it.

Once the dust has settled, do you think there is part of this you need them to acknowledge, or do you think it'll be enough for you to have communicated it in the hope that they'll slowly process it? (Sometimes it does take time)