my partner tells me he can’t feel aroused when he touches himself and when i touch him. how can i help him?

[exclipse4rchive]

for context, both me and my partner are ftm and both have female genitalia. we recently had a talk about why he doesn’t feel anything when he touches himself and i suggested that maybe we need foreplay or more build up and that maybe he needs someone to help him. well we had somewhat of a first time yesterday and when i touched him he wasn’t wet at all so i stopped as i didn’t want to make him any more uncomfortable, he further explained to me that he felt broken or weird because he couldn’t get wet and i’m out of ideas on what it could be or how to help him. please send any advice !!

[Jacob]

Hi exclipse4rchive,

I'm sorry you're partner is feeling this way - there's nothing broken or otherwise about not producing moisture when aroused, especially when you're trans!

I don't know if your partner has been undergoing hormone therapy but that alone can be a factor that leads to dryness, and not-limited to being trans, lube is a great companion to have when experimenting sexually!

So, you could try experimenting with lube as a a practical step, but also from an emotional standpoint: do you think you could offer him the reassurance that there isn't anything wrong with him?

The other thing you'll want to be doing is checking in on what feels good and what feels uncomfortable with all of your touching and play. Is that something you already do? And if so, how does that go when you do?

[Heather]

On top of lube, using a vaginal moisturizer -- which is different than lube, so you'll want to look for things called vaginal moisturizers in particular, and that can include vaginal-only localized estrogen (which has no systemic effects) -- is also often needed or simply makes things better for folks with vaginas/front-holes using T.

Too, to feel high sensation genitally, we often need to be turned on first. So, if we're touching ourselves, or a partner is, but we're not yet sexually excited, that can be another common reason why that touch can just feel like... not much.

[exclipse4rchive]

Hi exclipse4rchive,

I'm sorry you're partner is feeling this way - there's nothing broken or otherwise about not producing moisture when aroused, especially when you're trans!

I don't know if your partner has been undergoing hormone therapy but that alone can be a factor that leads to dryness, and not-limited to being trans, lube is a great companion to have when experimenting sexually!

So, you could try experimenting with lube as a a practical step, but also from an emotional standpoint: do you think you could offer him the reassurance that there isn't anything wrong with him?

The other thing you'll want to be doing is checking in on what feels good and what feels uncomfortable with all of your touching and play. Is that something you already do? And if so, how does that go when you do?

hi !! thank you so much for your advice ! i do offer that reassurance that nothing is wrong with him and that if anything this is normal. he isn’t taking hrt right now though. i do check on him when we are touching and he says he enjoys it but just can’t get aroused. he says he wants me to touch him and wants to have these kinds of moments with me but can’t get wet. i feel so much for him and i wish i could help him as much as he helps me! i will definitely see if we can try lubricants and more foreplay !! i just worry that he’ll continue to feel unnatural and uncomfortable and continue to doubt himself and his abilities. when i ask him if he’s okay he usually nods his head and tells me yes and to continue and i do but i would try to switch it up to more kissing and letting my hands travel elsewhere instead.

[Heather]

I wonder if it might help to explain to him that the idea that people "naturally" lubricate is a bit busted?

Even without being on T, the fact is that sometimes people self-lubricate when they are aroused, sometimes they don't, and when they do, how much lubrication they produce varies a whole lot.

It also sounds like -- correct me if I'm wrong, by all means! -- that he is perhaps thinking that what means he is aroused is if he is wet or not, rather than if he FEELS aroused. If so, that's an error, too.

In other words, whether or not he, or anyone else, is aroused isn't evidenced by if he's wet or not vaginally. A person can be aroused and not be wet, and a person can be wet and not aroused (just like for someone with a penis, an erection doesn't necessarily tell us anything about arousal, including when one is present). What tells us when we are aroused is how we feel: if we feel sexually curious, or excited, or interested, however we experience those feelings.

If I am hearing things right, it's sounding to me like he's been telling you there are things that he is aroused by and feels good exploring, they just might not so much be genital?

[Jacob]

To echo Heather:

I am sure people have been using slippery substances since pre-historic times so I don't think there's anything unnatural about using lube.

I should also clarify that becoming self-lubricated is not the same as becoming aroused, you can be one without the other, but the best way to navigate and learn your own or your partners is to focus on what feels good and build on that rather than focusing so much on such specific things as genital wetness etc.

[Heather]

Jacob is right. Also, lube-of-yore was iiiiiiiicccccccckkkkky. It was things like blubber from seals and whales. How lucky are we that the lubes of today are so lovely!?

[exclipse4rchive]

thank you both so much! i appreciate your help and i’ll be sure to mention this in my conversation with him about the topic. thank you!

[Heather]

We're glad to help. Feel free to circle back if you need more help or help with something else at any point! And please keep yourselves as safe as you can in Texas. <3