Sexually frustrated

[Wisteria]

Sorry if this is a repeat of what I already said I'm unsure.

Basically I have no release for my sexual fantasies, my outlet is writing but there's nothing else that does anything for me. I have a really big thing for inflation and pregnancy and some other things and haven't been able to stop writing for hours at a time sometimes because I get so infatuated. But the thing is it doesn't particularly make me feel good, just aroused if that makes sense. I can feel the feeling of arousal and produce discharge but when I try to touch myself it isn't pleasurable and just feels funny. This plus I haven't been able to have sex with anybody and when I do it's not the best, I don't know what to do. I don't think I can like "normal" things like regular masturbation, sex or porn it has to be inflation and pregnancy. Every time I try fantasizing about the person I like it always comes back to me getting them pregnant and whatnot. I just feel like my fantasies are too specific to do anything with since there's not even writing that isn't my own that makes me feel anything because it's got to be a specific situation with a specific time frame with specific characters. It's gotten to the point I fall asleep to the fantasies and spend hours writing or reading my writing and trying to touch myself even when my brain tells me to stop because I have other things to do. I feel like a creep even though I didn't do anything wrong just because of how sexual my thoughts are all the time. And I feel perverted because even nonsexual images I randomly find trigger my brain to go into the state where it's all I think about and I can't stop thinking about it for hours. I just feel like there's no way for me to stop being so obsessed with these things. It's been like this since I was a child and I feel trapped by my own sexuality

[Wisteria]

Sorry if this is something you can't help with, I don't know

I just don't want this to get in the way of my future sex life or my life in general since I spend hours fantasizing when I should be doing other things and get turned on by simple things like normal mentions of pregnancy and I feel like a pervert.

[Heather]

Hey there, Wisteria. We can keep trying to help you with this, by all means.

You know, the term pervert/perverted comes from a pretty crummy place, one that falsely suggests that there are "right" kinds or amounts of sexual desire or sex, or "right" kinds of sexuality, when we know that in reality, there is just a giant amount of diversity. Included in that framework is the idea that only sex between heterosexual people who only want to have the kind of sex that results in pregnancy is one of those right things. I'd strongly suggest you dump that framework as soon as you can: it's just no good for anybody and it suggests things we've known were wrong for over 50 years at this point. <3

Before I say anything else, it sounds like you have some rumination and/or intrusive thinking going on here. Can I ask if this is something you struggle with more generally or broadly or if it so far only happens with this, in particular?

[Wisteria]

Thank you! And yes I have very bad issues with rumination/intrusive thinking I just thought it'd be different in this case because I'm trying to "chase" some sort of arousal.

[Heather]

So, my take is that the trouble here isn't what you are thinking about, then but why you are thinking like this, period. It is very, very common for intrusive thoughts to find a sexual focus. That arousal is involved likely doesn't make this any different from any other manifestations of this.

Do you have access to mental healthcare or some other kinds of help with intrusive thoughts? (We can talk more about some of the things you have asked about, too, it's just that accessing care with this is most likely to be what can help you the most.)

Too, have you read this piece on the site yet? If not, it might at least help you feel less alone in this: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/feeling ... e-thoughts

[Wisteria]

Thank you, I hadn't thought about that actually. I have a therapist but they aren't really helpful and aren't specialized in OCD. I can try to bring it up to them though, I'm just not sure how to cope with it by myself

[Heather]

Of course! Intrusive thoughts can be really, really disruptive to your whole life and sense of self, as you've experiences (and as the author of that piece I linked you to did, too). It's definately something where people usually need help from a qualified mental healthcare provider.

If your therapist isn't someone who is trained to work with OCD, then if they haven't already offered you a referral for someone who is -- who you could see additionally or instead -- then I'd ask them for one. Are you up for trying that?

In the meantime, here is some basic self-help you could try to see if it gives you any relief: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and ... e-thoughts

[Wisteria]

I have been my parents won't let me It seems I have to fix the issue myself

[Heather]

Am I understanding right that you asked your therapist for a referral, and they gave you one, but your parents won't let you follow up? If so, have you asked your therapist if they could discuss it with them with you?

[Wisteria]

Sorry I didn't see the message. But yes that's what happened and I can try to talk about it with my current therapist

I guess I'm still confused on whether it's an obsession or obsession since it seems like I'm really frustrated and unable to do anything about it for my entire life. I keep chasing arousal the best I can but can't release at all so I keep doing it over and over until I've done it for hours. I guess I don't know the difference

[Heather]

That's what I'd suggest doing. (And I'm really sorry your parents are being resistant to you getting the help you need.) I'd ask your therapist if you can schedule an appointment with all of you where they can then let your parents know things like that OCD can really rob a person of their well-being and their ability to even just go about their daily lives when not treated, where they can tell your parents what treatment for OCD typically involves (not usually talk therapy), and can help you make the case to them for the help you need.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean there, but if you do have an OCD diagnosis, this really sounds like something based in OCD to me more than it sounds like something you are just into sexually. Usually, when we're just into something sexually, even if we're initially uncomfortable with it, we can get to a place where we're okay with it after the kind of talking we've already had with you about this. It also wouldn't be so likely that this was feeling SO all-encompassing and so difficult to focus on anything else. But again, a mental healthcare provider is going to be the best person to help you determine that, and it soudns like you need OCD help anyway?

[Wisteria]

Okay, thank you for your input

[Heather]

You're welcome. Feel free to circle back at any point in all of this if we can help some more, or if you just want to keep talking about this. My fingers are also crossed for you for that conversation between you, your therapist, and your parents.

(You might even consider sharing that article I linked you to with them if it feels liek they might be receptive to more information and if it doesn't leave you feeling too exposed.)