Why am I so terrified of masturbation and my own sexuality?

[embee]

Hi, I have never written publicly about any of my personal sexual issues but a couple of days ago I discovered scarleteen and felt like none of my personal questions where being entirely fulfilled by reading others posts. So here I am.
I have an almost phobia like fear of masturbation that I cannot figure out the cause of at all. My first panic attack caused by the subject was in 6th grade when I was talking to my now ex partner about something somehow related to masturbation, because they ended up telling me that they once tried to masturbate with a hairbrush. I was shocked and freaked out and cried and panicked and barely talked to them at all for at least a couple days afterwards. I have no clue to this day why I had this reaction because I have been raised in what I'd consider a pretty sex-positive environment where masturbation was never discussed outright, but was also never condemned or shamed. The only theory I have is that this partner was in 8th grade and they said they did that in 6th and I had never even considered doing that so maybe I felt somehow threatened? I'm really not sure and that doesn't even make much sense. Anyways, it really shook me and set the stage for my future outlook on the topic.
Fast forward to the next year when I'm in 7th grade, me and my best friends where on a facetime call and one of my friends started talking about a weird dream he had where he masturbated (it might be worth mentioning he has a vagina because so far I have not had this reaction to people with penis's telling me they've masturbated, but also maybe it would idk yet) and I started to get nervous but figured because it was just a dream he had it wouldn't bug me plus he wouldn't masturbate irl anyways, right? I was very very wrong and rudely awoken to reality. We started having a conversation about masturbation and with every word said I began to get progressively more and more anxious about how the conversation would end and if it would end up like last time, completely altering my perception of the people I cared about. I found out that both of my very best friends in the whole wide world did and then shared with me the one thing that somehow triggers me the most, and not only did they do it once, they had been doing it since elementary school. Which I know now is actually pretty common and safe and healthy, but it felt like someone told me that they did something genuinely evil (which they of course didn't). They made me feel almost crazy for simply not masturbating let alone being scared of it. I felt hurt and left out so I decided that I wanted to face my fear and prove to my body that there is nothing wrong with masturbating and that it would feel good and that apparently I'm far overdue and it needs to happen. So I took the highest dose of my as-needed anxiety medication to get myself to stop shaking and I went to bed and tried myself. At first I was frustrated because it felt like I couldn't find anything because I had never actually put anything up there before. But once I found the hole and realized it was in fact the right one, I started trying to figure out what was supposed to be pleasurable but I simply felt my fingers in my vagina and it was uncomfortable and hurt a little. I eventually couldn't hold back my tears anymore and resumed bawling my eyes out and shaking so I gave up. I have struggled with severe anxiety and depression for a good portion of my life and even though I had been doing better at the time, I felt severely suicidal and when I failed at opening my bedroom window to jump from it, I went into my parents bedroom and made up some bs about how I was scared for them to go away for the weekend until I calmed down enough to go to sleep. But it didn't even end in the morning. I cried for hours after I woke up and when I saw my friends for band practice, I broke down before I could even play any music. I ended up calming down after a couple hours but I honestly don't see them as the same people for some reason. Now they make me feel a little uncomfortable whenever I'm around them, especially the friend who had the dream and it probably doesn't help that they've made masturbation jokes (even after I told them to stop). That was my most intense panic attack I've had related to masturbation but also in general.
But now, a whole nother year later, I still can't dismantle the issue. My therapist suggested simply try trying again when I felt I might be ready so a couple days ago, I couldn't get to sleep and felt slightly aroused (which seems to be the most aroused I've ever been) so I decided to jump on the opportunity and it simply hurt and I felt like I just scratched myself with my nails and I ended up feeling that discomfort for multiple days afterwards. But right after I tried and failed, before I even got the chance to begin my freak out, I decided to do some googling to see why it hurt and I came to the conclusion I wasn't aroused enough. I still cried for awhile but finding scarleteen made m e feel a bit better because I like having information and explanations. My therapist also knows this and suggested I read a book all about womens reproductive systems and so today I started reading the book by the founder of this website but I couldn't help but cry while reading it because I felt so overwhelmed and anxious for some reason. I think my reactions might have been a product of my last relationship back in 6th grade and maybe I've been extra sensitive this past year because I was in the same grade as my ex was and I don't know if I consider some of the things that happened in that relationship to be sexual assault, I know they sure wouldn't, but I felt like my boundries were crossed multiple times and I am honestly still shaken up by that experience so yeah idk. Anyways sorry for the crazy long essay of a question/comment I just really wanted to make my case clear and give details because I can't figure out why I am like this and am hoping for at least a little insight because I have yet to find someone else who is as scared as me

[mikky]

Hi embee, glad you found us here! Your username caught me off guard for a second- embee is the exact username I would use on any anon social media when I was a teenager, I thought past me was writing in with a question (and this sounds an awful lot like a question I would have asked!)

It seems like you are aware that there is nothing wrong with masturbation, so I won’t go into a whole spiel about it. But if you do want to read up on the basics, check out this article: Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep.). You said you were raised in a fairly sex positive environment, but I think for most of us, the general cultural attitude around masturbation can be overpowering- especially if it isn’t being outright discussed in a safe, comfortable and caring way.

Anxiety and fear aren’t always deterred by reason. It sounds like you experience anxiety in a very high dose (hey, me too!) and that hearing about/thinking about masturbation kicks up a big storm of bad feelings. From reading your post, the time between feeling like learning your friends were masturbating (when it felt to you like they had done something evil) and your current moment are just a year apart. A year, in the grand scheme of knocking down internalized stigma, talking back to anxiety, and exploring pleasure, is pretty short.

They made me feel almost crazy for simply not masturbating let alone being scared of it. I felt hurt and left out so I decided that I wanted to face my fear and prove to my body that there is nothing wrong with masturbating and that it would feel good and that apparently I'm far overdue and it needs to happen.

It seems like you approached masturbation- which can be so personal- in trying to prove something to your body (and maybe your friends, too). Our bodies don’t really receive messages like that very well. Especially not when you were already very scared. While internal stimulation can feel great for some people, a lot of us don’t find it particularly mind blowing, and for some folks, it’s downright miserable (hey, it’s me again!). When you were in that already vulnerable spot, trying to make your body feel something, I bet there was a huge sense of frustration, disappointment, and anxiety.
It’s great that you’re talking to a therapist, and that your therapist has some suggestions for you. But if reading a book is inducing overwhelm and shutdown, I want you to consider whether you are actually ready to try masturbation again?

If we were to swap the word masturbation for the word “sex” in this whole situation, I think things might feel a little clearer. Of course there’s nothing wrong with sex, but also, we get to wait until we’re ready, and nobody should get to make us feel bad for not wanting it, and it can be really scary, and also really fun….

All that to say: You do not have to masturbate. Not today, or next month, or ever, if you never want to.

I also want to ask about this:

I don't know if I consider some of the things that happened in that relationship to be sexual assault, I know they sure wouldn't, but I felt like my boundries were crossed multiple times and I am honestly still shaken up by that experience so yeah idk.

If you are comfortable sharing more about this, we are here to talk about it. Having your boundaries crossed in a relationship can be such a hard experience, and it sounds like it feels pretty affecting to you. If it helps, we don’t have to try and figure out “whether or not” something is/isn’t sexual assault, to honor how YOU feel about what happened.