how to have the sex talk with my parents

[CuteKitten]

Hi wonderful volunteers and staff at scarleteen! First of I would like to say again a huge thank you for all the work and dedication you put in, this site is a one of a kind and amazing!!! I have recently been enjoying reading some of the articles on here and some of them have like 500,000 views and I actually got a bit emotional (in a good way!) about the positive impact you will be having on people sex education which for many people like myself was lacking.

Anyway the reason I am making this post is that about a month ago my aunt came over for a barbie, shes really cool and I think definitely more sexually open minded than my parents. I was still hurting emotionally (still am a bit) from that online incident months back and I really really wanted to tell someone about it. She handled it really well even though it was awkward and I didn't tell her everything she gave me good advice and said she will be happy to talk more in the future if I want . The thing is I would really like to have similar talks to my parents however they are very vanilla in there beliefs. (I know I should really be using terms like that but I'm not sure what to say instead.) Like one time we we watching a movie and in that movie there was a scene when porn hub came on, and my Mum says porn is really really rude and dirty. Like I don't like the rough kind of porn but there is porn out there that is really wholesome. Also like now im 18 and will be 19 in a few months, I think I might have left it to late to have these talks as I am now an adult. I have read the article "about the talk with talk with your parents" which I think is really good. I tried to start the talk when I put on Halestorms - I Miss The Misery great song but didn't really work to opening the door. My question is how would you suggest opening these conversations to my parents even though I have done stuff which they would definitely not approve of.

Thanks in advance

[KierC]

Hey CuteKitten! It’s so great to see you back here!

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot to me and the whole team here. I agree with you, too… I read a lot on Scarleteen when I was a teen and it also gets me a bit emotional in a good way to see how many people come here! *happy tears*

Okay, to your topic! I am SO glad for you that you had such a positive experience talking with your aunt. I really feel for you with that whole online situation that happened a bit ago, and I am truly glad that you were able to talk with her about it *and* that she is cool with having an ongoing dialogue with you. You know, sex and sexuality can be really tough topics for a lot of people, and sometimes those people happen to be parents. But it’s so wonderful that there’s someone in your extended family who you can speak freely with. I am glad for you, and I’m also hopeful that we can see if there’s a way for you to have similar conversations with your parents.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s too late at all to try and open up a conversation about sexual topics if you want! Of course there’s that “talk” with your parents, but the way I see it, you can really keep learning from them for as long as you want/need. I remember I didn’t talk about sex ed topics with my parents much at all when I was younger, really, but then when I was 18/19 I started talking with my mom about deeper sexuality topics, and it’s been really enlightening.

It sounds like you noticed that they’re a bit judgmental about pornography, and it also sounds like you’ve formed your own opinion that some porn is wholesome. What you’ve done there is really important: while you found that they have an opinion that is different from yours, you were still able to think about the topic in a way that makes sense to *you* and hold onto your own opinion. I just mention this because, as you try to talk with them, you might hear some more information that you don’t entirely agree with, and you can take that information and process it as you go.

With regard to the actual conversation, are there certain things you’d want to talk to them about? That might help us figure out how to approach the conversation.

[CuteKitten]

Hi Kier thanks so much for your reply!

I think its great that you enjoyed reading scarleteen articles when you were a teen and now you are a volunteer! I would definitely like to volunteer in the future, I did see Heathers reddit call for volunteers a few months back and its great to see new volunteers in the boards but as I am still asking lots of questions myself, and I don't really have any experience so didn't think it was right for me atm.



btw this post might seem a bit weird format but I first want to talk a bit about myself first so you can better understand me. I have childlike tendencies but also sometimes seem more mature than my peers. Like I still have plushies I find them rather ... comforting particularly when im stressed. I don't know any guys are age that still have them. But in other ways I am mature like I never talk over my teachers and pay attention in class when other people are mucking around. Another thing about we is I am honest even when it gets me in trouble. All the teachers love me and many have wanted to stay in contact after leaving sixth form which I think is rare. However there was one time where I didn't hand in my homework on teams. I had done it but the night before was my 18th and I was drunk so forgot to hand it in. I actually sent an email to my teachers being completely honest (thinking about it now it was a bad move on my part because it was now on the record.) Of course the next day my teachers called me into their office and even though I got told of they had huge respect for my gutsy move I think they were a bit shocked! I think its good to be honest and I think being able to be honest will help me in relationship in the future!

Another thing you should now is that my parents are very protective and worry about little things. I guess it is there job to worry! Like a few months back I was in a kind of relationship with a girl which didn't amount to anything, we are still friends now though! My mum new about it and often brings it up even though it isn't a big deal. Like if I told mum about that experience I am not sure how she would react. After that experience I would honestly say it was about 3 weeks until I started to recover. That sense of betrayal and complete breaking of trust when I was saying something vulnerable in a place where it was supposably ok to say that kind of stuff followed by the ban and the complete lack of contact hurt so so so much. Even my Grandad who has dementia noticed something was up.

One thing I want to talk about to them is about self pleasure and about relationships. My parents only caught me once and sought of continued like nothing had happened. I also want to talk about sexual act safety with them. Do you have any articles on penetration and lubes I was think about buying a sex toy in the near future!

Also Kier, I completely understand if this is to much of a personal question so will not be in the slightest disappointed if you don't reply but how did you start talking to your parents about deep sexual topics?

Thanks again.

[Heather]

I want to also add that the idea of one "sex talk" was never a good idea, and we know by now that sex is much, much too big a topic for anyone to talk with anyone in one talk with.

So, it might be helpful to think about this more as, "How do I start and build communication and talking about sex, sexuality and relationships with my parents? What am I looking for with that?" is more helpful to you than trying to figure out how to have ONE talk. <3

I don't use the term penetration because it gives people the wrong idea about how all of this works (tl;dr: mostly because the vagina is an active orgasm that pulls when sex is wanted just as much as anything might push inside of it, and someone thinking they need to push in is going to do these kinds of sex in ways that won't likely feel great), but we have articles about lubricants, intercourse, and masturbation -- why don't you try out the search function for the main site at the top of every page and see what you come up with? If you don't find what you need yourself, we can help you.