was i a cocsa perpetrator? (cw for cocsa descriptions)

[wylanvaneck]

all of this happened around 3-4 almost 5 iirc years ago now. i completely forgot all about this until recently, and it has been eating me alive. i feel so guilty that i ever would have done this that i think i don't deserve love or to exist at all.

whenever i was ten, eleven, or maybe twelve (i am not sure, i think it's most likely i was around ten or eleven though) and my younger cousin was two, three, maybe four ?? i used to go to my aunts house after school because both of my parents worked. one of these times my cousin had jumped on my crotch whenever we were playing. i realized it felt good and had never felt like that before so i let her continue out of curiosity. i knew what sex was at the time. i didn't know afab people could orgasm from stimulation yet, and if i did, i thought it had to be from penetration. i let my cousin continue jumping on me even though i knew it was bad, because i was curious about the sensation and had never felt it before. i let her do it i think once more ever (i can't recall, i know it wasn't more than 3 times. it could have even possibly even the same day that i let her do it again?) before i stopped because i knew it was definitely wrong. even then it felt like i was 'using her' even if i didn't really understand for what yet? i just knew it was genitals and genitals were sex.

i think back on this now and genuinely feel so disgusted and sick to my stomach. there was no coercion, no forcing, and i didn't even explicitly tell her "jump on me in this way". but i knew it was genitals and i knew it was bad so i'm absolutely repulsed i let her do it at all just to satisfy my curiosity. it was just a game to her and she didn't understand what she was doing, which i think makes me feel way worse.

even if i did understand orgasms then (which genuinely, i cannot recall because 5th-6th grade years were the worst of my life) i didn't know afab people could get them from stimulation. i feel so disgusted with myself because i knew it was wrong in some way and let her continue. i genuinely want to disappear as i am a disgusting human being. i know it was nothing about attraction and i didn't want her to touch me nor did i want to touch her but i cannot fathom that i would have let her do that even out of curiosity- because i knew it was wrong!!!

i was also a victim whenever i was younger. my brother, whenever i was around likely five or six? asked me to play a game with him where we did under the bed and i sucked his penis. i did so because he was my brother and i didn't want to upset him ( nor did i know what it was at the time ). i know he did this to my other afab sibling or something similar which makes me think he does not feel remorse for it. i do not fully blame him as he was certainly being abused too but it makes me feel sick that i could be like him in any way, shape, or form. i was very exposed to sexual things by age 10-11, but i didn't know human anatomy very well. i think this interaction is what made me realize stimulation down there felt good? i keep getting my timelines all jumbled, so i really don't even know. maybe i already knew stimulation felt good, but i didn't know what caused it, so i was experimenting by letting her jump on me. all in all? i'm not sure. i just know i feel genuinely fucking horrible about it. i've told my mom, my nana, my dad, and nothing has made me feel better. they all tell me i was just a curious kid but i feel so horrible and guilty. i can't even stand to look at my cousin right now. how could i have done that???

[Anya]

Hey wylanvaneck,

Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. It sounds like a really difficult situation that im sure has caused quite a bit of stress and intense feelings around your family. I want to start with talking a little bit about the first experience you named, and then we can move onto the second.

Like it sounds like your family has already voiced, kids are essentially wired for the most basic kinds of stimulating experiences and play. Kids are born naturally curious which can sometimes lead to physical relationships with their bodies or other kids bodies that we would normally deem "adults only" becuase of its sexual nature. When there is no coersion, manipulation, or force involved, the first situation you mentioned often falls in this section. I So I agree with your family, I do believe you did nothing wrong as a child. I'm sorry that it has been eating at you, and if you've read any of our other posts on this topic (there are lots) you have seen that this is a more common experience than one might assume. Since you were a kid, and you likely did not know any better, I hope you are able to rid yourself of some of the anxiety this memory has caused. At this point, continuing to feel guilty will not fix anything. The best thing that you can do at this point is come to terms with the fact that this did indeed happen, and now that you are older, wont happen again. Consent moving forward is always best.

In response to your second recalled memory, this is unfortunately a situation that does involve coersion and manipulation. Its had to tell, since I dont know how old your brother was, or if the coersion was fully understood to him, especially if like you said, he had experienced trauma in the past, but since it seems like he knew what he was doing, this situation falls under a different catagory. I hope that you have also told your family about this, but if you havent, or can't, its understandable. I would though, recommend letting them know about this, and if its something that he might still be doing to your other siblings, or other people, telliung a trusted adult is a good course of action. It's always so complicated and strange when something like this happens, and having to rememeber it long after its happened can sometimes feel like the worst part.

Im going to share an article we have that I think you should read, and if you want to, looking at some of the other posts users have made on this topic may help remind you that even through all of this, you are not alone. We are here for you.

COCSA: What It Is, How To Know If It’s Got Anything To Do With You, And What To Do If It Does

[wylanvaneck]

i read the article- and it IS making me question a little more if i was a perpetrator. she was much younger than me, and was not aware it caused me any sexual stimulation ( obviously ). my timelines, as i mentioned, are getting super jumbled. i might have known what orgasms were at that point which is definitely not helping my mental state. why would i have encouraged her to play like that??? when i knew it was 'friction' in some way? i know i can't change the past- but i feel so horrible i want to crawl into a hole and be forgotten about forever. i'm wondering if maybe i was so sexual at that age due to all the material i was exposed to? even before age seven i knew what sex was ( or had an idea ). if i am a perpetrator , how do i even move on from this when i feel like i'm lying every time i do anything good or positive ? i wish i could just erase this memory from my mind.

[Heather]

Hi there, wylanvaneck. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with this. I personally do not see anything in either of your posts that suggests that you abused your cousin. Not stopping someone from doing a physical thing they chose to do themselves before you realized it didn't feel right to you -- is very different from engaging in an abuse.

I am happy to talk with you more about this -- including about your own experiences with your brother, which I suspect is actually what might be jumbling timelines and experiences for you most here, and which I also think might be the place where child-on-child abuse actually happened, unlike what you have described with your cousin -- but I am feeling like the message boards, even though you are anonymous on them, might feel like much too vulnerable a place for more of this conversation.

My best advice would be to work with a therapist: is that something that you might be able to access or ask your family members to help you find? If not, or until then, how might you feel about moving this conversation to our live chat, which is something only you and the operator -- and I would be happy to talk with you myself -- can see? I can schedule something with you if that feels like something you want to do.

If you *are* comfortable talking more about this on the boards, we can do that, too, I just wanted to be sure.