How do I get penetration to stop being painful?

[sillysillysilly]

I've only ever been able to comfortably insert one finger when masturbating. I am able to fit two but it immeditely stops feeling good and starts feeling really painful, specifcally around the vaginal opening/hymen where it feels really tight. I've researched this before and I know that for penetration to not be painful you have to be aroused/wet/use lube and all that stuff. I know all that and I've tried it. I know I'm not scared of penetration or having some kind of psychological reaction because whenever I try it it's because I feel good and want to feel more.

I've never had penetrative sex which initially made me suspect it was just because of my hymen, but I also don't see why I shouldn't be able to stretch it (or whatever it's meant to do, I didn't have a lot of sex education as a teen so I probably have a bit of an archaic understanding of the hymen) by myself. This has made me worried it's something like vaginismus but I really don't want to go to the doctor about it, because the idea of a doctor seeing or touching my vagina gives me immense anxiety (I'm not from a country where going to a gynecologist regularly is the norm, even though I understand the importance of it).

I was wondering if I could get some advice on if this is a common thing or not, or if I should go to the doctor (even though I would rather not).

[KierC]

Hey Silly, and welcome to the boards! I’m so glad you’ve found us here.

I am sorry that you’ve been having this pain when trying to insert a second finger. It sounds like you’ve tried a few different things but they haven’t been so comfortable. Initially, I am not really concerned about vaginismus for you, mostly because it sounds like you *are* able to insert one finger comfortably. But, if you are concerned about that, it could be a good idea to see a gynecologist. I do hear you that it’s scary for you to go to the gyn, though. Just for health reasons, have you been the gynecologist before for a general check up?

I also hear you that you didn’t receive much sex ed, I want to send you this article on the corona (formerly called the hymen!): My Corona: The Hymen and the Myths That Surround It. You’ll see in this article that, you’re right, the corona/hymen is not supposed to “break” like some folks talk about. It is made of thin folds of mucous tissue, and it can gently stretch to accommodate vaginal entry. (Another sex ed note! Here, we typically stray from referring to sex with vaginal entry as “penetrative,” for a few reasons, but mostly because the word penetration takes away the agency from the person with the vagina. Ya know?). So, it sounds like a second finger introduces a little bit too much of a stretch to the corona, causing pain.

This might sound a bit too simple, but if two fingers hurts, you don’t have to do it. Particularly if one finger feels good, I’d say there’s no reason to try something more that hurts. How does hearing that make you feel?

[sillysillysilly]

I suppose that does make me feel a bit better, but I am still concerned. I don't understand how I'm ever supposed to have sex involving anything bigger than the width of my finger, and while I'm sure it's true I don't have to want that, I do. Overall the whole thing just makes me anxious about my future of dating/relationships, and I'm scared of having awkward/painful situations with future partners.

I haven't been to a gynecologist. I know in the USA it's a whole thing of going to the gynecologist regularly for checkups, but that's not common in the UK. I don't even know anyone who's ever been to one (even family members) and while I see how it could be beneficial, it sounds scary and I don't see the need to go when at the moment I'm not sexually active (or at least not sexually active with another person).

[Latha]

Hi there, Silly

If anything, I’m glad you have a good sense of what you want. It is okay to want to be able to insert things bigger than your finger, and it’s okay to make learning to do so a priority. Visiting a gynaecologist would be the most straightforward way to identify any physical issues that might be causing this, but you don’t have to start with that if you don’t feel comfortable. For our part, we’ll do our best to help. We can’t see you, and it seems clear that the solution isn’t the most simple (if it was, you’d have found it already), so we’ll need some trial, error, and time to figure out what might work for you. If it helps at all, you are not the first person to experience this, and many people before you have learnt to handle insertion without pain.

I just want to note: not being able to insert bigger things just yet doesn’t have be an obstacle to your relationships in the future. There are so many ways to have pleasurable sex with a partner — with the right one, this won’t be particularly painful or awkward. It will just be what your body is like at that point.

If I may ask, what scares you about visiting a gynaecologist?

[sillysillysilly]

The gynaecologist scares me because I don't want someone I don't know looking at or touching my body, and I also don't think I'd be able to talk about the problem without feeling self-conscious. I know this is irrational and it's probably because I wasn't raised in a very sex-positive environment where I could communicate about this kind of thing without feeling ashamed, but nonetheless it's how I feel. I'm also autistic and find things like booking appointments and going to the doctor difficult, both because I don't find it intuitive to do and because I struggle with social interaction, and the stress of the both the appointment and the problem means I usually end up crying in the appointment. I just don't see a world where I'd have the courage to go to the gynaecologist, even if I know it's the right thing to do.

[Heather]

Hi there, sillysillysilly.

Ultimately, this will be something you need to solve for, especially if and when you have any sexual partners, because it'll then be necessary for your sexual health. But I'm not seeing a need to have that appointment just yet.

I don't think it's sound to assume that because it doesn't feel good for you to insert more than a finger that there is a problem, nor that there will be a problem if a partner wants to do this, or if you want to do something like have vaginal intercourse. The thing is, those are just different things in different contexts. For one, it's a lot easier for another person to get good angles and to do things comfortably with fingers than you for yourself just because your arm is attached to your body in such a way that doing this for yourself with fingers, rather than something like a toy, can just be challenging. Too, how you feel alone might not be the same as how you feel with a partner you trust, especially given the shame you're voicing that you feel. Sometimes people with a lot of shame do better with a partner because then there's a person who can help you work through it, you know?

So, for now, I actually would not worry about this or assume you are going to have issues with partners and vaginal sex. I also don't think you need to rush to the GYN, and they might not even be able to do much here because if you are nervous there, your body is going to have a nervous reaction, and all they may be able to do is note that for you, as for most folks with vaginas, when you are nervous and scared, your vaginal opening locks up. I don't think that kind of outcome sounds worth what it asks of you at this time.

Instead, my best advice is just to masturbate in ways that feel good -- instead of trying to push yourself to do things that don't because you think you need to for sex later -- and to try and do what you can for yourself around the sexual shame and fear you're feeling. If you're open to some reading, I can suggest both some articles and some books?

[sillysillysilly]

Thank you, I suppose that may be helpful.

[Heather]

You're welcome. I hope that you're able to start having more satisfying and less painful and frustrating experiences. <3