Intrusive sexual thoughts

[CrazyBonobo]

I have had OCD for several years and obsessions involving various topics (religion, morality, cleanliness, etc.) and repetitive thoughts involving various types of taboo, including sexual ones. Sometimes they're edgy or too obvious, and I end up realizing it's mental illness messing with me. Sometimes I'm not so sure. Is there any way to know for sure if the thoughts are coming from OCD like the others or if they are mine and I'm some sexual deviant in denial? Does this distinction even make sense, since they all came from my head anyway?

[Latha]

Hi, CrazyBonobo!

I like the question you've asked at the end -- I don't think it is helpful to look for evidence that you are 'deviant', especially when it comes to your thoughts. The first thing to remember is that your thoughts can't hurt other people because they are not actions. So, it doesn't really matter what a given thought is -- just because you have one, that doesn't mean you need to examine it for signs of some problem with you.

If I may ask, why do you worry about being deviant? What do you feel such thoughts would say about you?

[CrazyBonobo]

My question is usually more what they say about me as a person. Repetitive, disgusting thoughts can undo your sense of self. Being a deviant would be truly terrible and would ruin my future prospects.

[mikky]

Hey there,
To go back to one of your original questions:

Is there any way to know for sure if the thoughts are coming from OCD like the others or if they are mine and I'm some sexual deviant in denial?

Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure most anything, which I know is probably not what you want to hear. But, with OCD, a good test to consider whether something is an intrusive thought or a thought that is "yours" is whether the thought aligns with your values. It seems pretty clear you don't like or want these thoughts, and you know that they are part of OCD.

Intrusive thoughts don't say anything about us as people- they are unwanted, often directly go exactly against our values, and are not actions. I know very well how they can mess with your sense of self, and I can understand how painful that must be.

We also don't know what your thoughts actually are, and what might seem disturbingly deviant to one person might not be true for all of us- for example, being gay, wanting to have sex outside of marriage, wanting to masturbate, are all things some might call deviant. You don't need to share the contents of your thoughts with us, but I just wanted to add this reminder here about "deviancy," since most of us who work here fall under some culturally "deviant" categories.

Would it be helpful when these thoughts come up to remind yourself what your values are? Ultimately, OCD specialists will be more helpful than us. Do you have support for your mental health?

[CrazyBonobo]

I used to frequently test the ego-syntocinity of each thought before, but over time it stopped being a useful indicator. Over time I started to think, "What if they are actually mine and I'm just deluding myself to try to appear more moral than I really am in my own eyes?" Then the whole thing became pointless.

I continue to work on my mental health, but honestly, Brazilian psychologists are sometimes useless. Now, to be fair, I'm not very cooperative either, because I usually don't want to share or even remember the exact content of my thoughts. I even miss the days when they started, when the worst things were about insults and infamy involving religious figures. I hadn't yet realized how much worse things could get.

Honestly, it's kind of embarrassing to be this confused at my age. I'm almost your age, so I should have these issues figured out by now.

[Tara]

Hello, there!

I will chime in. I agree with Latha and Mikky that thoughts are not indicators of our "deviance" when we don't act them out. However, thoughts can and do impact our inner wellbeing, so I empathize with your having intrusive thoughts and appreciate your insight into how they do often influence how we are in the world.

Whenever there is a potential issue with OCD-like thought patterns, I do agree with Mikky that finding a professional to talk through those is most helpful. As an OCD-er myself, sometimes it is important to have an objective party to help us observe the internal banter and gain perspective.

As far as your fear of moral opposition, I am wondering if you are dealing with the aftermath of religious abuse/control. I was raised in an extremely religious setting and I feel confident in saying today that much of the mental health/OCD issues I had/have are a result of living in a punitive and controlling environment. I knew that I was a very sexual being and had many sexual thoughts and fantasies, but would immediately suppress those or punish them because I believed they were deviant or inappropriate.

However, if there is such a split that you are feeling bad about your thoughts, not accepting of them, or not able to let them go, I would seek the counsel of a professional who can put things into perspective or provide techniques that would be helpful for management of them.

[CrazyBonobo]

Aye, that may be the case. It's complicated to deal with these things here. Most psychologists have grow up under much less strict religions so they have difficulty understanding.

My current psychologist is an academic, a university professor, and all that. She says I need to stop living in the past and move forward. Which is good advice; I'm quite resentful and I've really wasted a few years that way. But it's also a bit tricky to do in practice because the consequences of the past don't abandon you all at once. She's also a sympathizer of a cult called New Acropolis, so I suspect that's one of the reasons she's somewhat dismissive of my experiences. On the other hand, she is much more approachable and interested than the average psychologist here.

[KierC]

Hi CrazyBonobo,

Do you feel like your therapy is helping you? Also, do you and your therapist have a treatment plan for your OCD? I ask because, as others have said, OCD specialists are most qualified to help you with these symptoms. Sometimes, too, traditional talk therapy without the help of an OCD specialist can exacerbate symptoms in some folks with OCD.