how to initiate + general sex related worries ??

[vio]

haii i'm back i guess . ty for the responses on my other thread btw!! i didn't respond but i Did read them so. Yeah

anywya i hope this isn't a weird question ,, i was thinking abt having sex w someone but idk how to ask?? i'd feel weird initiating with physical touch in case the other person is uncomfortable. so i felt being direct was the best choice.

but i also worry a lot bc of my ocd. as stated in my other thread, my ocd kinda stops me from doing anything sexual related. i've gotten better abt it the more i take my medication . i don't want to come off as creepy or anything. i don't have much experience so idk how to approach the topic. i worry that, bc of my autism, i'll do smth wrong if i do have sex bc i'm bad at social cues / communication / etc. or worse. sorry if this doesn't make sense fhejfh

[char]

Hi Vio! I'm glad to hear that the other volunteers were able to help you on your first post.

Our article Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner is a good start. They cover almost all the bases of communicating about sex and intimacy.

Since you mentioned that you're autistic, this article can also be helpful: How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me?. It's also part of a series on dating while being on the autism spectrum.

I hope this is helpful! We're here if you'd like to discuss it further. ^_^

[vio]

hi char!

i just read one of the articles so i have another question lol. would this also apply to friends with benefits relationships? i don't have a partner and the person in question is a friend of mine

[char]

Hi again! Yes, the piece is a guide for communicating about sex/physical intimacy regardless of your relationship type or dynamic. When it comes to your friend, I think the most ideal way to go for it is to be honest. Describe them what you'd like to do with them, and see if that's something up in your friend's alley. The more specific (since your friend may have a different understanding of "friends with benefits" from you), the better. (And yes, we do have an advice column about this specific arrangement -- it also links to other articles related to the topic: How exactly does "friends with benefits" work?)

Does this make sense to you?

[Heather]

Hi there, vio. I wanted to add and ask about a few important things!

I think going right to asking someone to have sex with us who we haven't already had other kinds of physical contact is a lot like diving into the deep end of the pool before you even stood in the shallow end for a bit, you know? For most folks, before they have things like genital sex withy someone, they're going to want to have at least spent some time getting to know them as a person, and some time with other kinds of touch that ask much less of them when it comes to physical and emotional risk. Too, generally, we'll want to have at least a sense of if we even think someone wants to be sexual with us.

Can you say more about this friend and this friendship? Have you two talked about being sexual together before, or have you had or asked about other, lower risk, kinds of physical contact?

[vio]

we haven't talked much about anything sex related. i follow an nsfw alt account on bluesky which is how i got the idea,, i guess thats what im worried about. we've only known each other since may of this year so wanting to do anything on such a vulnerable level feels weird to me GFHJDGFHK

im asexual and aromantic so idk what i want rlly,, esp since i dont rlly feel Attraction. ive only ever masturbated and like the sensations of that, so i was thinking abt experimenting more

[mikky]

Hey vio,
I am reading through your posts, and it sounds like you are seeing NSFW content on bluesky which has brought up some desires or curiosities, and you are wanting to potentially try these with a friend, who you haven’t discussed physical intimacy with- do I have that right?

I think there are two projects here: thinking through what it is that you want, and then communicating with the other person to understand what it is that they want. If even talking about sex and desires with them feels pretty vulnerable, that is a good sign you’ll want to take your time with that before trying to initiate physical intimacy, especially sex!

When you see the content on bluesky, are there specific things you are feeling interested in? Have you had conversations with or observations about your friend that leads you to think they’d also be interested in that?

[vio]

yeah u got it right!! but it was my friends alt account,, the reason i got the idea was bc he talked abt wanting to have sex with someone.

as for smth i'm interested in,, im not sure rlly. i'm open to trying anything, idk about penetration though

[char]

Hello! I've read everyone else's post; looks like they've been able to continue the discussion fruitfully with you while I'm away.

From your replies, it seems like the two of you seem to be interacting quite often even though you've only known him for a few months. Since this is not yet mentioned by everyone, as a fellow aromantic person I'll nudge on this: does he know about your aspec identity? If so, how did he react to your coming out? And regardless of the answer, what do you know of his understanding about those labels? I think knowing these would be very helpful in deciding whether having sex with him is a good idea, because it can also affect how he perceives your asking of being sexual with him as an aspec person. Know what I mean? ;;

I second Mikky on the part about communicating your desires, and I also would like to add that it'd be nice to take some time to reflect on what you'd like sexually. For starters, we know that you're not too sure with sexual intercourse. When it comes to your own fantasies, are there things you tend to imagine more often while masturbating? What do you think about those things happening in real life, if you were to have partnered sex? Obviously you don't have to have all the answers now, but referring to your past fantasies can definitely help.

[vio]

hmm he doesn't know abt me being aspec, but i assume she'd have some understanding as we're both trans + queer in some way

as for fantasies,, i've imagined receiving head/cunnilingus, anal play, nipple play, but that's about it. i don't think i'd enjoy penetration

[Latha]

Hi Vio!

So it seems like you do have a sense of what you would be interested in exploring with a partner--that is great! Have you had the chance to look over our yes, no, maybe list? It asks specific questions about interest for different activities, so it might help you develop more of a picture of what you could do with a partner.

You mentioned earlier that the idea of exploring sex with a partner feels vulnerable and weird right now. I wonder, what would have to happen in order for that to feel more comfortable for you?