Why does it hurt when I masturbate?

[Vampyre]

I am 17 years old. I have female anatomy. Penetration is numb which doesn’t bother me, but when I masturbate by rubbing the clitoris, after a minute or so, it stops feeling good and starts to hurt, like the way a migraine hurts but slightly different (that’s the closest way I can relate it to something. It’s sharp but not a stabbing pain)
I read somewhere that rubbing the clitoral hood instead of the clitoris directly could prevent that but it still hurts.
I worry I’m doing something wrong. There is enough arousal Fluid and I feel turned on. My biggest fear is that it is shame related.
My family is very religious. I am not. But the shame that is brought with masturbation is heavy. I was also assaulted and groomed online when I was younger. Could that be why I end up feeling that pain?
Could it be because I am not comfortable in my body as a queer individual? I am androgynous but lean towards masculine and my body causes a lot of gender dysphoria. I am so worried something is wrong with me and my body, and that when one day, I get bottom surgery, I won’t be able to feel good either.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Vampyre!

The fact that you are hurting doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, what you are doing, or with your body. You might just need to find a new approach, or ask someone for help. So, I'm glad you've reached out to us to ask about this. We're happy to help you think about what could be causing your clitoral pain.

It sounds like you are especially concerned that the cause of your pain could be emotional--related to shame or dysphoria in some way. Is that right? Are you worried that might make the issue more difficult to solve?

If you were to take a look around the boards, you might see that we hear about shame and dysphoria inhibiting people from experiencing pleasure pretty often--sometimes that manifests as pain. I say this because I hope it will help you feel less alone: many people who have been where you are go on to develop pleasurable connections with their bodies. It might take some time, and the steps might not be obvious, but in all likelihood, you will be able to feel good in the future.

If I may ask, what does your shame tell you about masturbation? What thoughts come to mind?

[Vampyre]

Hello,

To answer your first question, I do experience a large amount of dysphoria and worry that until my bottom surgery, masturbation will be difficult for me.

And for the second question, what comes to mind typically is the fear that even though I’m not religious, that some higher power is looking at me and is disappointed in me. Another shameful thought I know I have is the fact that my body is not how I want it to be, and because of that I don’t deserve to find pleasure in masturbation.

[Anya]

Hey Vampyre,

I think you're definitely on the right track in this line of thinking, as stress levels, internal shame, and past experiences can all have impacts on our bodies and sexuality in major ways. This is a totally normal experience, but very frustrating and confusing nonetheless.

Have you communicated with you doctor already about the possibility of bottom surgery? Or is it more of a hope for the future? Regardless, i'm sure that experiencing discomfort in your body currently is not pleasant so let's definitely see what we can do in the meantime.

I hear you also bring up religion, which I think is really insightful as it can often play a big consious or subconsious role in our minds when it comes to topics of sexuality, and especially queerness. Do you have anyone in your life who you might talk to about religion and its impact on queerness? A friend, relative, or teacher who is queer themselves maybe? Because you are absolutely not alone in this feeling.

[Anya]

I also want to share two articles with you that I'd love you to check out and tell me what you think.

Undoing Sexual Shame

Queer, Devout, and In Between: Navigating Sexuality and Spirituality as a Young Person

I know that you said you are not religious yourself, but I think this second piece still might be a good one to read as our enviroments, families, and communities play such a big part in who we are, and understanding how you might experience that yourself could be helpful. Let me know what you think!

[Vampyre]

I am not talking to my doctor as I cannot get in contact with her about it without my mom knowing until I’m 18.

I do know someone older who is queer and will definitely talk to her about it!

Thank you for the articles, I will reply when I get the chance to read them. Thank you so much for your help!

[Andy]

Hi Vampyre!

That’s great to hear that you have someone you can talk about this with!
Feel free to circle back after you have read them and let us know your thought or any additional questions that might arise in the process.

As for talking to your doctor, unless you or someone else is in any immediate danger, your doctor shouldn’t disclose anything to your parents. Is there something which makes you think she wouldn’t abide that?