Weird things about my gender and pronouns

[mika.m]

Hi, maybe it's a little weird but my gender identity changes a lot, I mean A LOT in different ways. In the past month, everyday I feel that my gender is different from yesterday... For example yesterday I was woman but today I feel I'm pangender. And also about my pronouns, they are different person to person... For example I feel that my mom should use he/him and my brother should use she/they for me. Is that normal?

[Becky]

Hi Mika!

This is totally normal! What you are describing sounds a lot like being genderfluid. Which describes someone who identifies as different genders at different times. These gender identities can even correlate to specific circumstances or places (like whether you are interacting with your mom or your brother.)

Now, obviously, you get to decide whether or not "genderfluid" works for your identity but I just wanted you to know that this is not an uncommon experience.

I've collected some articles we have that are written by people who have varied experiences with gender. Read through them and let me know if anything resonates or if they spark anymore questions.

Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn't Have to be a Bummer
Gender Identity: My Step-by-Step
Gender Journaling

[mika.m]

Oh ok but it's a little hard, everytime I have to remind everybody about my current gender and pronouns. And they could misgender me when my gender shifted.
Also I have to change my gender in my accounts every day
Maybe I should have to be steady about gender and pronouns but it seems annoying

[Heather]

You know, mika, we have had volunteers here over the years who were genderfluid in the way you're describing, and it's really not a big deal to adjust to when someone actually wants to, you know? Too, it's pretty common during someone's teens for a lot of the parts of their identity to be in a near-constant or constant state of flux, so it's not like this is *that* unusual during this time in your life. It may be that in time things get a little less fluid for you, but who knows, maybe not.

But you can just let people know you're genderfluid and what that involves for you right now. You can prepare a little 30-second to one minute explanation to make this all feel easier on you, maybe something like, "I'm highly genderfluid, and also relationally genderfluid, which means I may ask you to use different pronouns or names for me from one day to the next, or ask you to use different pronouns for me than I ask someone else to use. I appreciate you flexing with me as best you can."

Obviously, you will have to be patient when it comes to some kinds of misgendering, simply because people won't be able to know if and when things have changed until you tell them, and because it can take people some time to adjust to a change, but that's okay, too. <3

[mika.m]

I think I can handle it but how do I prove this fact to my family or friends. They know all genders are valid but don't understand this one

[mikky]

Hey mika,
Why do you think your family and friends don't understand this way of experiencing gender? Have they said things that show this?

I'm also wondering about what you might be able to do and explore with your gender identity without bringing others in. It seems like the frustrating parts of your identity are needing to explain it to others, and though I know that including other people and having them use language that makes us feel seen is important, it can also be frustrating. Practically speaking, it might be a lot to update all the people in your life when you have these shifts if they are happening a lot, especially if they aren't totally understanding yet.

What do you think about that?

[mika.m]

My family told me that it's confusing because people's genders doesn't shift so fast and it can be annoying gradually.
I think you're right, it's a lot to update everyone about my gender identity in short periods like daily or hourly. But it's my identity and important to me by the way

[KierC]

Hi Mika! It’s always great to see you here

I’m going to offer a slightly different perspective from Mikky, though I appreciate their perspective that it is sometimes less stressful to explore your identity without bringing others in. I completely agree with you that gender identity is important and I can appreciate why you’d want your family and loved ones to be on board with your identity and use your preferred pronouns! Though I am so sorry to hear that your family thinks gender identity doesn’t shift like that. You and I and our whole team here know it totally can shift like that! As Heather said, we have volunteers on the team who are also genderfluid, and it is an entirely valid and complete identity.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think this should be a matter of “proving” your identity to your family and friends. There’s not really a way to prove it, you know? It’s your identity, and you should be able to express that however you want without worrying that you’ll appear any other way to your loved ones. But I hear you that you really want them to understand and respect your identity. I have two thoughts/questions about this:

1. How would it feel for you to approach some of these family members one-on-one to talk about your gender identity? Is there a way you like to talk about it that makes sense to you, that you feel you could try to express to them?
2. If your family is not so understanding of gender fluidity, but they think that other forms of expansive gender identities are valid, do you think they’d be open to reading some stuff about gender fluidity in the hopes that maybe they’d develop an appreciation and respect for your identity?

[mika.m]

Actually before you send this, they finally understood gender fluidity and they want to respect my identity but still I need my friends respect too.
I'm okay with one-on-one

[KierC]

Oh, yay! I am so glad to hear your family understands now. How did them understanding it make you feel?

I totally understand that it’s important your friends get it too! Honestly, yeah, talking one-on-one can be helpful for this, especially with friends where a sort of “group-think” can happen (happy to explain that further if the word groupthink is confusing!). I would definitely see if you can talk to some or all of these friends individually and explain how your identity it’s important to you, that it’s a valid and complete identity, and that you’d like them to respect your pronouns. How does that sound to you to try?

[mika.m]

I feel great, it's one of the best things happened this month.
It's not bad but how can I handle updating my family and friends whenever my gender and pronouns shift? It can be a chore after some days

And what is groupthink? It's like groupfuck or gang bang but instead of sexual acts they think(omg im sometimes a bit perv )

[KierC]

Oh I’m so happy for you that this made you feel so good! It really is the best feeling, right?

Also LOL it kinda is a little similar, but not the same! Groupthink is what happens when a group of people interact, and it’s this thing where the desire for conformity and similarity can lead to the people in that group acting or saying things that are a bit irrational, or just not what they personally think. So, with you explaining gender identity, if you explain it to them as a group, the friends in that group might not respond how they personally feel. So, if you talk to them one-on-one, they might be more understanding. Does that make sense?

[mika.m]

Yeah I understand

[KierC]

Great! I hope it goes well and that they understand. If they don’t and you need some more advice or help, or help with anything else, we’re here for you as always! <3