worried about my sexuality/kink

[fishisanxious]

I am 16 and FTM. Since I was very young I have had unauthorized access to the internet, leading to me realizing at maybe 5 years old that I have a piss kink. I have frequently consumed content relating to this ever since then. Not that it interferes with my daily life, it's just something I would do if I'm alone and felt like it. And ever since I learned to masturbate at 14 it has been the main thing I would get off to. Vanilla sex does still interest me very much, but piss feels the most exciting and most "dirty". One time my partner talked about an experience where they had an accident and I got excited.
I know it's not bad to have a kink, but I'm worried about how much it perforates my sexuality, especially considering how long I have known about it, and if it's going to make it difficult to get off to vanilla sex with someone in the future. Or if I tell a partner about this and they will be disgusted at me. After I get off by myself to this I just feel so ashamed, and I know that's partially post nut clarity but I feel like my interests are too gross and not normal. Whatever that means.
Any advice or comments would be appreciated, I would at least like to know if anyone else is in the same boat.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, fishisaxnious!

So, I don't personally categorize sex as vanilla or kinky. Both of those terms are just so arbitrary -- and one person's kink is another's vanilla, so they can be extra useless in that way -- and they also create a sexual binary that I think is super not helpful, as is the case with most binaries. Same goes for talking about what's normal: human sexuality is so diverse that sex educators know there is just no such thing as what's sexually normal, just an incredibly wide range of diverse interests and practices. It also might be helpful for you to know that this particular interest isn't that unusual. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a current era sex researcher has published stats showing this to be in the sexual fantasy, at least, of as many as 30% of people.

No one is going to be able to predict what your whole sexual life will be like based on one thing that you're really into. What we do and don't like sexually often isn't the same from partner to partner, or life phase to life phase, and even something we really like alone or with one partner can turn out to be something we don't like the vibe of at all with someone else. Plus, what we like in sexual fantasy does not always translate to what we like IRL.

You mentioned what sounds like a current partner: how have things gone with them so far when it comes to what you want to do and what you enjoy?

[fishisanxious]

Welcome to the boards, fishisaxnious!

So, I don't personally categorize sex as vanilla or kinky. Both of those terms are just so arbitrary -- and one person's kink is another's vanilla, so they can be extra useless in that way -- and they also create a sexual binary that I think is super not helpful, as is the case with most binaries. Same goes for talking about what's normal: human sexuality is so diverse that sex educators know there is just no such thing as what's sexually normal, just an incredibly wide range of diverse interests and practices. It also might be helpful for you to know that this particular interest isn't that unusual. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a current era sex researcher has published stats showing this to be in the sexual fantasy, at least, of as many as 30% of people.

No one is going to be able to predict what your whole sexual life will be like based on one thing that you're really into. What we do and don't like sexually often isn't the same from partner to partner, or life phase to life phase, and even something we really like alone or with one partner can turn out to be something we don't like the vibe of at all with someone else. Plus, what we like in sexual fantasy does not always translate to what we like IRL.

You mentioned what sounds like a current partner: how have things gone with them so far when it comes to what you want to do and what you enjoy?

My partner and I are not sexually active, they have said that they wanted to wait for the right time which I'm okay with. We don't really talk about sexual things besides jokes.

I think I need to elaborate on how I felt myself about this, so I think I should add that my biggest worry when it comes to this is that I just feel like such a pervert. Even though this doesn't invade my outside life at all I can't help but feel like my head was messed up because of how long I knew what I liked. Is this really okay? I know that it's a harmless kink to have. Hormones are kind of evil

[mikky]

Hey fishisanxious,

I’m sorry that you are feeling so different/bad about yourself because of this. It seems like a big part of that is because you developed this interest a while ago. It isn’t unusual to start discovering different interests and fantasies at a young age. I mean, how common of a joke is it on the internet for people to say whatever children’s movie character was their sexual awakening? Or seeing whatever character tied up was their first moment of interest in bondage? There is no specific age where we start or stop developing curiosities, interests, fantasies, etc.

Even if you aren’t sexually active yet, starting to talk about sex with a partner could be a good practice to get into. Especially considering that you are having fears that a partner would be repulsed by your sexual interests/fantasies. This doesn’t mean you need to bare it all, but learning how to talk about sex can fight shame. Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner is a good guide for this. Would you be willing to try opening up some communication and seeing what that feels like?

[fishisanxious]

Hey fishisanxious,

I’m sorry that you are feeling so different/bad about yourself because of this. It seems like a big part of that is because you developed this interest a while ago. It isn’t unusual to start discovering different interests and fantasies at a young age. I mean, how common of a joke is it on the internet for people to say whatever children’s movie character was their sexual awakening? Or seeing whatever character tied up was their first moment of interest in bondage? There is no specific age where we start or stop developing curiosities, interests, fantasies, etc.

Even if you aren’t sexually active yet, starting to talk about sex with a partner could be a good practice to get into. Especially considering that you are having fears that a partner would be repulsed by your sexual interests/fantasies. This doesn’t mean you need to bare it all, but learning how to talk about sex can fight shame. Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner is a good guide for this. Would you be willing to try opening up some communication and seeing what that feels like?

I think my partner has said that they're nervous to talk about sex & that they're not ready for it just yet. I don't want to be pushing them out of their comfort zone too much, but it's still something I want to get into with them. I'm not sure how to go about it without coming off as pressuring them. I think we're taking things pretty slow as this is both of ours' first relationship.
Also, that first paragraph you said about developing at a young age is very true, I haven't thought of it that way.

[Heather]

I wonder if it might not help here NOT to think of them as a sexual partner at all, but instead whatever kind of partner they do currently want to be? Sounds like they aren't one and haven't been, and it also sounds like they have made pretty clear they don't want to be a sexual partner just yet. Advice to talk to them about it were based on assumptions that this is a sexual partner or someone who wants to be one. It's sounding like they haven't actually made that clear yet.

That given, I think that this isn't a person to talk to about sex at the present time, and it also might not be a person to figure will even necessarily be a sexual partner until and unless they raise their hand for that. <3

[mikky]

Hey, just wanted to chime in and say Heather is right- I was assuming your partner was a sexual partner or someone who wanted to be one. I want to add to what I said to clarify a bit:
While I agree that this doesn't sound like the person to talk to, I still encourage building the skill of talking and learning about sex in general, which you can do places like right here! I think when we mostly interact with these ideas as jokes or in joking ways, we can feel even further pushed into shamefulness (like, the things we like or want must be jokes or funny). Does that make sense?