Question: romance Has To ruin friendships?

[AlloAroQueer]

As an aro person this has been confusing me for a while honestly, because I see in a lot of places that people talk about not wanting to disclose their romantic feelings to other people, to not ruin their friendship. And I don't fully understand why. Because, if you tell them and they reject you, why staying friends would be uncomfortable, if you accepted the rejection? I also wonder, if you really need to tell someone that... You like them romantically if you don't want to ruin a friendship? You can keep the friendship, and even if it could be better to ask, if you for some reason think saying your romantic feelings to this person would make them react badly... You really have to say anything??

[Straif]

Hi AlloAroQueer,

This is a great question, and a well-timed one. The last week was ace week here at Scarleteen, and some of that content may also vibe with you as an aro person.
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identity/happy-ace-week

I'm also going to share this great interview with Angela Chen, who talks about how many folks struggle to articulate the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship without sex. This is primarily because many cultures shape sex as a tool (and perhaps people think it is their only tool) to develop intimacy. https://lithub.com/what-sex-positivity- ... sexuality/ While Chen is speaking more generally about asexuality rather than aromanticism, I think what she says might provide some insight for you as to what this other person might be struggling with. (And you could certainly send any of these resources to your friend as a way to head off feeling like you have any responsibility to educate them about being aro-- because you don't.)

As for what motivates someone to disclose romantic feelings for a friend, that depends on the person. There's no way for you to know unless you ask them. It's possible they are hoping their honesty will deepen your friend connection and that they have no expectations about how you will respond. It's also possible they are telling you as a way of "shooting their shot," which could definitely feel disappointing and frustrating, especially if they are aware you are aro. Either way, you get to decide how you want to respond to them in a way that shows compassion for yourself and them. And their response, in turn, will tell you whether they are worth preserving the friendship. Keep in mind that most of us are not taught how to handle rejection (giving or receiving), so yes, it's going to be awkward. But if they are saying something, obviously, they think it's worth it. Again, you won't know their reasons unless you ask.

[AlloAroQueer]

I must say that I was making a pure rethorical question! There is not person who is trying to propose to me romantically, fortunally, but at least the links you send helped me to think more about it. I guess my main question was just, if people that experiment romance need to state their romantic feelings and try to have a romantic relationship if they have a crush with someone else, always

[maille]

I'm all for deep thinking rhetorical questions! And this is a great one. I am glad the resources from Straif got you some more info. I suppose it really is up to the person experiencing romantic feelings. For some, it might be something they can shake off and move on from, others may feel the need to disclose or get it off their chest. I imagine which direction one goes would have something to do with things like duration of romantic feelings, emotions other than romantic feelings and the current state of the platonic relationship.