i’ve never orgasmed

[ireallylovecats]

hey so im a pretty horny person and i have a lot of fantasies but when i get sick of thinking about them and try to masturbate it never works out. i feel like my mind switches from just enjoying stuff to trying to make an orgasm happen and i could do it for hours and nothing would happen, i just start feeling numb and give up. sometimes when i rub my clit it feels really intense but not GOOD. also i have lots of guilt and shame about sex especially because i have a big fear of my parents finding me masturbating and what everyone would think of me. i don’t know why i feel so ashamed its really annoying. i own one vibrator but i can only really relax and use it when im home alone because i like to listen to audios and it really doesn’t do much for me. i feel like i get more out of my imagination you know? i just would like to feel really good and i can’t. also i’m scared of watching porn because i feel like it’s so so wrong and someone will catch me doing it and i’ll get in trouble for going on “bad” websites.

[Anya]

Hey ireallylovecats,

Welcome to the boards!

There are a couple of things I'm hearing here. It sounds like there's a bit of a shame mindset present. A fear that if you masturbate or watch porn, for example, you'll get caught and face repercussions if your parents find out. This seems like a pretty stressful environment to me, and especially a hard one to focus on feeling good and relaxed in. It seems like no wonder masturbation hasn't been pleasurable for you when these external stressors are telling you what you're doing is wrong. Are your parents religious or strict with you about ways you're "supposed to act/be"? It can often be difficult to live in family dynamics where at least one of your parents/guardians believes there's a "right" way for you to be, and regardless of the two factors above, we all are still growing up in a world that stigmatizes any kind of non-marital sexual activity, especially for young people. Unfortunately, that doesn't change the reality that we all have human bodies and experience arousal, sensation, and desire the way humans are designed to.

I first want to recommend this article of ours on masturbation:
Is Masturbation Okay? (Yep)

I also want to share two pieces with you that I think pertain specifically to your concern, as you are certainly not alone in feeling this way:
How Can I Masturbate Without My Parents Knowing?
Deep Cover: Tips For Managing Anxiety Or Privacy Worries When Masturbating At Home

Once you've given these a look, if you'd like to come back and keep talking about this we are more than happy to help you.

[ireallylovecats]

yeah they believe that ppl should wait till marriage because its very personal and intimate and special. at least they believe that for both guys and girls instead of like “women won’t be as good anymore” and they don’t want me to get hurt so thats nice. but they don’t think girls get horny or that im old enough to feel that way!! the articles are helpful thanks, i’m just trying to get it into my head that its really not wrong or shameful its literally just human. but its a lot of work.

[lilikoi]

I relate to a lot of what you're saying! It's so annoying how taboo it is to feel your natural feelings. You are right that it's a lot of work! My parents are really uncomfortable with women being sexual and I'm still working on removing the shame but, if it makes you feel better, I have become way more at peace with my feelings. I feel like exposing yourself to people and content that counters shameful ideas is really helpful. Do you have friends or family that is less judgmental that you could talk to? Even if not, there are tons of resources that emphasize moments of pleasure over a final achievement of pleasure. Sometimes letting yourself indulge in the little moments can be little ways to change your mindset too! Anya's article recs are spot on! Here's one more I like: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment