Kissing people when I’m drunk / don’t want to

[Alice37]

I don’t really know how to start this and I apologise in advance because it’s probably going to end up very long and rambling.

Before June this year, I’d only kissed one person, and it was in my one and only relationship two/three years ago. We dated for a few months when we were 15 and kissed a few times (just a peck, not proper kissing) - I didn’t really like it which was probably because I didn’t really like them.

Then in June I went solo travelling and had a sort of sexual experience where I got a bit drunk with a group of people from the hostel and one of them (a 25 year old man) made out with me and invited me to his room. We got into bed, took most of our clothes off, kissed and touched a lot, and then (with my consent) he tried to finger me, but it hurt before he even got it in so we didn’t end up doing that or anything else. I’ve already spoken about that experience here, as I had a lot of horrible feelings afterwards - I consented to everything but there was a real age and experience gap, I was a bit nervous and uncertain and drunk, and more importantly I was pushing myself into it which means I had a really bad reaction afterwards as I would never have let a 25 year old basically-stranger do that if I was sober. It wasn’t his fault but I had panic attacks and bad dreams about it for a while and struggled to look at my own body and felt dirty and horrible. It’s better now, but occasionally (like every couple weeks) I’ll think about it and get really upset again or have a panic attack.

The issue is - I keep kissing people when I get drunk, or when I don’t even want to. If someone starts coming on to me, especially when I’m drunk, I reciprocate even when I’m not interested, like it’s an obligation or I’m doing it because I should be grateful. I didn’t even really like my first relationship but I felt obligated in return for them liking me. And the fourth person I kissed was also from that feeling of obligation because she was interested in me, although again that was basically just touching lips. So I don’t have the same horrible feelings about those two as it wasn’t as imitate and invasive, you know?

I’ve only ever actually kissed one person when I wanted to and it was the third guy, and we did actually make out but it wasn’t as aggressive as the hostel guy and almost not that sexual which I liked, it was softer and he didn’t touch me except holding my waist. That was the only time I’ve ever enjoyed kissing.

But then last night at the club I was really drunk (enough that my memory is hazy and I had to ask my flatmates about it) and this guy just kind of came over and was putting his arms round me and sort of had his hand on my chest, and then we were dancing and he got closer and we made out. And it was exactly the same aggressive invasive kind of making out as the 25 year old man and he was grabbing me in exactly the same way and it was like a physical memory in my body. It’s not as bad because that’s as far as it went and he was my age this time, but I still feel horrible about it. And it was all the same like the feeling of his mouth on me and him like pressing forward so I was leaning backwards and just kind of standing there and trying to reciprocate as it escalated and he kept going and pretending I was enjoying it and not knowing when it was going to stop.

My issue is, why do I keep doing this when I’m drunk? Because it’s not like I’m getting assaulted although those two guys were pushy, I do reciprocate - but I don’t want to. I wouldn’t do it sober but it’s like if I have enough to drink I just feel like it doesn’t matter whether I like them or not and I convince myself it’s a good idea. Like I think I should be grateful anyone is showing interest and that feeling surfaces more when I drink. Which is pathetic. Like I can’t even fathom the idea of saying no to someone because I’m lucky they’re expressing interest in me. And then I convince myself I want it and I end up doing things I don’t want to do which is sometimes minor and basically fine and sometimes really not fine like this time. I feel like I’ve just re-traumatised myself because I keep thinking about the hostel guy now. And it’s becoming a problem because like, I’ve kissed 5 people, and out of those I initiated 0, was sober for 2, and only wanted to do it with 1 of them. Which isn’t great when I actually think about it. I just feel horrible and don’t know what to do sorry

[Andy]

Hi there Alice37 and welcome to the boards!

Although I am sorry this is what brought you here.
First of all, I’m also really sorry those people did this to you, I absolutely understand you feel horrible about it.

While say you have consented to the man in hostel, I still would not call that consensual sex. This is because firstly people under the influence of alcohol or other drugs are not really able to fully consent and good partners should know that rather than take advantage of it, secondly, it sounds like there wasn’t much, or any, conversation about having sex and if and how would both of you want it beforehand and clearly deciding and voicing something when you are already in the middle of things is pretty hard. And lastly, consensual sex with good partners doesn’t usually leave us feeling so crummy, you know?

I also understand the feeling that you need, and should be grateful for, the attention and interest of others. This is unfortunately something a lot of people who grew up socialized as women were taught to feel, and just like many other things, combined with out insecurities, it can show much more when some of our barriers are down because of alcohol.

How can we best support you around this? Would you like to talk more about the negative experiences and how they are affecting you? Or do you want to brainstorm strategies that can help to prevent similar situations in the future?

[Alice37]

Hi Andy,
There was definitely communication etc with the guy in the hostel and I wasn’t extremely drunk so I would say it was consensual in that sense, but I think he picked me because I was younger / uncertain / inexperienced / a bit drunk, which was kind of weird. Most of my feelings about that were because I pushed myself into it when I didn’t really want to.

I have however talked to my flatmates about the other night and they say that it was a bit worse than I remembered, that he was groping me a lot and that I was kissing him back at first like I remembered but then my head started falling to the side and he just kept going and that’s when they got me out. Also I was very drunk and I don’t even remember all of it so I think I was blacking out. So I feel even more weird about that now because I was definitely not capable of consenting.

I guess I would like to talk about preventing this happening again. Obviously I should not get that drunk again, but concerning all the other times I don’t know how to stop just feeling like I owe it to anyone who’s interested to agree to do stuff with them. I’m worried I’ll actually end up having full sex with someone just because they want me to.

I also am struggling with processing the other night. I feel really weird about it and it’s also reminding me of the hostel guy and I’ve started thinking about both experiences much more and feeling gross in my body again. And I don’t know how to stop that.

[Sofi]

Hi there, hope it’s okay that I jump in.

To be honest, I can relate to what you’re saying a lot. I was this same way for a long time up until my mid 20s. I wasn’t as self aware as you are about it, though, so you’ve got an advantage and it’s great you’re talking through it so openly.

I could honestly say a lot about this but I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much right away. As you said, being careful not to get that drunk again is super important, and ideally you could even take a break from drinking, though I know that’s hard if you drink socially. It’s still worth considering and I’d highly suggest trying that. As you mentioned, this happens even when you’re not that drunk, so I think taking a break from drinking and going out sober would be a good idea.

A lot of this is rooted in people pleasing and something called fawning - we all know about fight or flight, but we don’t talk about freeze or fawn enough. Fawning is a trauma response in which we people-please when we feel threatened or want to avoid conflict. When under the influence of alcohol, we become slower to respond to things and also obviously we just aren’t thinking as deeply or thoroughly about things, so it’s easier to end up in a situation you didn’t really want to but don’t know how to stop, which is why I suggested an alcohol break while you work through the feelings you have about all this and about the hostel situation.

Speaking of… since you’re feeling how you described (“gross in your own body”), which I’m so sorry you do, it’s probably also a good idea to take a break from physical intimacy unless you really trust the person and feel comfortable with them. For now I suggest reconnecting with your body so it doesn’t feel so distant from you anymore and you can work past those negative feelings about it. That reminds me of an article we have here that could help, please give it a read and let us know if you have follow-up questions or want to discuss anything more: Reconnecting with the body: Managing the physical impact of sexual trauma

It would be great for you to also have a mental health professional to work through these feelings with as well. Do you have one or a way to get one, or do you need help finding one?