i can’t discern if i feel things sexually or not

[serendipity]

hi, i’m new here, but this seemed like a good place to come for answers

so, i’ve never really found sex all that appealing. in fact, i used to be downright revolted by the thought alone. because of this, i always thought i just didn’t feel sexual attraction. however, in recent years, i’ve found that my feelings have changed somewhat. i don’t find sex disgusting anymore. in fact, i’m actually kind of interested in it. but my interest is kind of…weird? like, i don’t really think about having sex with people. not REAL people, anyways. i have a girlfriend, and even though i’m definitely attracted to her, i don’t think about wanting to have sex with her. i don’t know if this is because of my insecurities regarding intimacy, (because i have a lot of those), or if i just don’t feel sexual attraction to begin with.

my confusion is correlated with the fact that i can’t tell if i’ve been aroused before. like, i can read smut and find it enjoyable, but i don’t know if that enjoyment is the same as being turned on by it. and if i didn’t experience sexual attraction, i don’t know why i would enjoy reading or writing about sex. additionally, i’ve tried touching myself before, but i haven’t gotten any pleasure out of it. it didn’t feel bad necessarily, but it kind of just felt like nothing. i don’t know if this is because i’m doing it wrong or if it just doesn’t work for me.

i’m really confused because it feels like i don’t fit properly into any label. i used to think i was asexual, but now i’m doubting that because i do have interest in sex. at the same time though, i haven’t been able to identify any sexual desire for anyone, even the person i’m romantically attracted to. so i’m hoping someone can help me figure things out.

anyways, sorry for the long post, but if anyone has any suggestions or ideas i’d really appreciate it ^^

[Heather]

Hi there, serendipity, and welcome to the boards! No need to apologize for the length of your post, more information is always helpful, and this honestly isn't that long.

Sometimes I think it can be easier to start by talking about arousal -- being sexually turned on -- because that almost always manifests in physical things we can feel in our bodies. It varies based on the level of arousal, on top of just basic human diversity, but typically, when people are sexually aroused, things happen like flushing, hearts beating a little faster, feeling the effects of vasodilation -- of blood pooling in and around your genitals, including going to the clitoris or penis to create erection or a "puffier" vulva -- and/or self-lubrication, or hardening nipples. For many people, arousal also creates a feeling of desire to do something with those feelings, like masturbation or sex or other touch with a partner. If you have felt any of those things, you have probably felt sexually aroused: and when we feel like that, that tends to be when touching ourselves actually feels like something. If you haven't, what you might be describing is something more like general interest, an intellectual interest in sex or the satiation of sexual curiosity. And if you haven't, then yeah, that's probably a big reason why that masturbation was so meh for you.

With your girlfriend, how does that attraction feel? Does it feel primarily aesthetic -- as in, you enjoy how she looks -- or emotional? Or would you say there is also an an aspect of feeling an attraction that makes you feel like touching her (sometimes the word "sex" can really confuse the issue -- in a lot of ways, the desire for sex is a desire for touch) or otherwise being physical? For that matter, what's the nature of your relationship? Is it something that feels more platonic or affectionate like you'd be with say, a family member you really feel close to, or does it have a different flavor than that?

[serendipity]

thank you so much for the reply!

when it comes to the physical symptoms of arousal, i have felt a few, such as my heart beating a bit faster and a twisty feeling low in my stomach, however i’ve never felt that desire to do anything with my feelings. i did make that attempt at masturbation when i was feeling those symptoms, but they went away almost instantly once i started. it just didn’t feel right. i guess you could say i like sex in concept more than in practice. i like the idea of it, but whenever i think about what it would be like to actually go through with it, i just feel uncomfortable.

about my feelings for my girlfriend, i would definitely say they’re inherently emotional. i do also like the way she looks, but what i like most about her is her personality and who she is as a person. i’ve never been someone who enjoys a lot of touch, but that does change when it comes to people i’m very close with. things such as hand holding, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and general closeness do appeal to me, but not much beyond that. we’ve only been dating for a few months though, so i’m not sure if that’s because i’m just not ready to take the next step or not. i can’t really imagine myself ever being ready to be with someone sexually.

[Heather]

Thanks for the information.

This does sound to me like how I hear most asexual people describing how they feel about sex and their intimate relationships, so it may well be that your sense you're ace is a sound one. (Also, your relationship with your girlfriend sounds lovely. <3)

But a lot of people who aren't ace also feel fears or anxieties about sexual activity; feel emotionally uncomfortable with the idea of doing those things. The places that come from span a wide range, and if you feel like that may be more the case than being ace, then the best kind of person to explore that with will typically be a therapist.

Do you feel like that's something you want to look into with someone qualified to help, or do you feel like you'd feel better just giving this more time -- months, years -- to see how this plays out for you? I mean, it's not like sex is required for anything or anyone, so if this isn't something that's troubling you or making you unhappy, I personally don't see any need to try and get answers to it any sooner than answers appear, but that's really going to be about what feels best for you.

[Heather]

FYI, I wasn't finished with this column when we were talking yesterday (and was kicking myself about it the whole time!), but I did finish it today, and it might be helpful to you: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/what-do ... ction-feel

[serendipity]

i appreciate that insight, and you may be right that i’m asexual. (and thank you hehe, i like my with her relationship as well <3)

fear of intimacy is also a very likely possibility, and it could very well be both. one part of me feels left out of the sexual experiences that others get to have and enjoy, while another part of me is glad i don’t have sexual attraction because of that fear of intimacy. i don’t really know how to feel about it, i guess. but i think it would be worth talking about with a professional, if i could muster up the courage.

you’re completely right that it’s not a pressing issue, especially because i’m still young and my girlfriend isn’t overly interested in sex either, but i don’t know. i guess it’s something i’ve been trying to figure out recently because i don’t like not understanding myself. it’s difficult not knowing what box i fit into, if any. sometimes i feel like i don’t want anything to do with sex at all, and other times i’m very interested in it. neither one feels entirely “me”, if that makes any sense. and i know that sexuality isn’t a “one size fits all” type of thing, but that would definitely make things a lot easier lol. but yeah, maybe giving myself more time to explore my feelings is what i need.

and thank you so much for that link! i read through a bit of it already and it seems like something that would be helpful for me

[Becky]

Hi serendipity!

I'm so glad Heather's answers and article felt helpful to you!

I'm curious, can I ask what you mean by "muster up the courage" to talk to a professional? Is there something about getting professional help that is worrying you?

[serendipity]

hello! what i meant by that is that i’m kind of nervous about sharing these feelings with someone who knows me personally. i do have a therapist for unrelated reasons, but i haven’t brought this up with her yet. i guess i’m not sure how i’d begin, and if i’m being honest i’m sort of ashamed of my own feelings. i know there’s nothing wrong with experiencing or not experiencing sexual attraction, (or any other middle ground), but it’s hard to talk about for some reason. i don’t really get it either, honestly. i’ve always been very sex positive and i have no trouble when other people talk about their own experiences, but when it comes to how i feel, things change.

[amber]

Hi serendipity,

I hope it is ok for me to jump in here!

I hear you about talking about these things with people in your life. Maybe trying to broach the subject with your therapist by mentioning to them that you are interested in talking about your sexuality could be a good start.

I was curious if you have looked into the (many) labels under the asexual umbrella? The ace and aro (aromantic) community really embrace the creation of 'micro-labels' of sorts. It may offer you some comfort reading about the varying experiences and feelings of those who identify as asexual.

[serendipity]

hello! yes, of course it’s okay! thanks for wanting to help

i’ll try to start opening up to my therapist about these topics. it would be beneficial, i think.

honestly, i don’t know that many labels under the asexual umbrella, but maybe i should look into them. i think it would be validating to know that i’m not alone in the case that i found out about labels and experiences which suited my own feelings. thank you for the suggestion!

[Sofi]

We actually have a sort of basics/101 piece about asexuality and some of the different concepts within it, hope it will be helpful: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer

[serendipity]

i just read it through, and i can’t thank you enough for showing me this! i didn’t realize asexuality could be so diverse, though i guess i should’ve known considering people and attraction in nature are very diverse.

anyways, after reading this i think i understand that i’m on the asexual spectrum. i’m not entirely sure where i fit yet, but i don’t think i need to know the specifics right away since i’m still working on understanding how i feel.

thank you so much to everyone who’s given a reply, you’ve all helped me a bunch <3

[Sofi]

Absolutely, it's a process and it's a fluid one - our sexuality can and often does change throughout our life, so I'm glad you're not putting pressure on yourself to have it all figured out right away. And I'm so glad you found this thread helpful! <3