Is the hymen important???

[fieldofflowers]

Okay so im not sure if I should put this in here or in sexual health or not.. but like ive been worried about if my hymen is important or not. Ive been like touching myself very often for a very long time and by the looks of it, my hymen is no longer like fully intact?? Does it matter to future partners if it isnt?? Do I not count as like a virgin anymore?? I haven't had sex but like I dont fully know what does and doesn't count as virginity. I've been feeling a little insecure about what its like down there because I feel like im meant to be like PERFECT in that area for when like I start actually having sex in the future. Sometimes I see popular pornography including women with like perfect private areas or like hymens that are still perfectly intact and im starting to think that when I get older, partners wont like me because im not like the women in those videos. I MIGHT be overthinking but idk. Ive just been like really insecure about it and dont know if it matters at all

[Heather]

Hey there, fieldofflowers.

You can find out more about the hymen here -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/bodies/ ... urround-it -- but the long story short is that the hymen is something that gradually wears away over a lifetime for just about everyone (save people with a condition known as a resilient hymen, and those folks usually need a minor surgery to open the hymen and help it start to erode like it's supposed to). The idea the hymen "breaks" or "tears" or only wears away with sex is a myth that was intended way back when -- and still in some places now -- to control women by making them afraid that if they had sex when they were not supposed to, their bodies would show it. Afraid like you sound, unfortunately. <3. Please know all of that stuff is complete bull and then the remaining ignorance loads of folks have because of that complete bull. Genital sex with partners, masturbation, periods and vaginal discharge kind of speed along the process, but they are not the only ways or reasons for the erosion of the hymen.

I assure you you are not seeing intact hymens in porn: not only is the hymen actually often difficult to differentiate from the vaginal canal the base of it is attached around circularly, if someone has started having periods, they have a hymen that has already at least begun wearing away. Otherwise, no flow could get through! If someone is old enough to be in porn, I assure you, their hymen has already worn away at least some.

Virginity isn't a medical term, it's a social construct (more here, if you're curious: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/culture ... ty-context) and much like with myths about the hymen, the idea there is a specific thing that makes someone a virgin or not is a myth. It's like believing in Santa Claus: some people do, some people don't, and everyone has their own ideas about Santa. Ultimately, all virginity means, should you choose to make it part of your worldview at all, is what you decide your own sexual first times are. But understand that every time we have a new partner or do something new or do something in a new way, we are having a first time. We pretty much get sexual first times for most of our lives unless we only engage in sex with one person the exact same way our whole lives, which, ideally, no one does because that's not usually satisfying for anyone.

One last thing I wan t to share is that human bodies are never perfect, even when framing and lighting and makeup make them look that way. Anyone who is going to be a good partner to you will know that and have no expectation that your body -- or theirs -- are anything other than a human body, with all its imperfections, okay?

I'm hoping this all has left you feeling a little better. Is there more you want to know or talk about around this?