tips on how to get pleasure in my vulva and clitoris

[PomPom]

hi, i’m turning 18 this year and have a few problems, that i’m currently trying to solve (or make myself start solving them) but i’m not very successful yet.

i think have a low sensitivity in my clitoris and in my vulva/vagina generally, but i’m not sure. i’ve never been able to masturbate just with my own hands, partly is because i usually can’t get aroused enough for this, another part is just i can’t feel much when i touch myself down there. so for a few years i’ve been using clitoral vibrator. it’s actually pretty strong but it works. i use it a lot and i also bought another one. but now i’m starting to feel less and less down there, and this is becoming a problem because the higher settings are uncomfortable, but lower dont bring me pleasure. this isn’t unexpected, i knew that this could happen but how do i get it back? when i dont masturbate for some time it does gets better but it still not enough to take this alll back. and certainly not enough to make myself sensitive enough for my fingers.

i also have vulvodynia, my gynecologist told me that my muscles are too tense. but she can’t tell how bad this is because i’m technically still a virgin and she can’t do proper exam on me because of this. but i feel pain when me or my partner try to put in something like a finger or a tampon inside. she also told me that vibrations actually can make this problem worse, because this is irritating the mussels, and i should try masturbate with my fingers, but i can’t!!
what should i do? how can increase my sensitivity to start masturbate with my hands? how can i relax my mussels by myself? i’m also naturally a pretty tense person, i’m always with my jaw closed tightly and i dont know how to solve that.

[Sofi]

Hi PomPom,

It's actually a myth that you can get desensitized from using a vibrator. We have a piece on this you can read here: Do vibrators cause a loss of sensitivity?

There's really nothing wrong with preferring a vibrator over your hands because it feels better, that's normal and okay. It's also pretty common, since hands literally cannot do the same thing a vibrator can do, so it makes sense. A lot of folks don't use their hands to masturbate because of similar reasons you mentioned, and it doesn't mean they lack sensitivity necessarily. The piece I linked goes more into detail on all this, but let me know if any questions come up from it so we can discuss them.

Regarding what your doctor said, I'm a bit confused why they would not be able to give you a pelvic exam just because you're a "virgin" (we don't really use that term around here, since virginity is a made-up concept to shame women and is not an actual thing). Whether you've had insertive sex or not doesn't matter, you're still able to get a pelvic exam done by a gynecologist regardless. I would suggest going to a different doctor, to be honest. The fact that they're also saying vibrators cause long lasting damage to your body is concerning. Are you able to switch your doctor or at least get a second opinion?

[PomPom]

hi again ! thank you for your reply! maybe i translated her words badly, i try to give her some more justice.
she told me that she can’t look at the muscles that are inside, because it will be “unethical” to go there before i have any experience with my partner. at least that how i understood that.

she didn’t mean long lasting damage also (at least how i understood that) but she mentioned that in my situation when i use toys a lot (and i do) this can do some more harm, because they’re tensing the muscles.

i don’t know if it’s still wrong or not of her to say this, but at the moment i cannot change her and she’s actually one of the best doctors i’ve had. i don’t know, i have an appointment with her tomorrow i thought maybe i should just say that i’ve had some contact ( with fingers) so she would be able to do a full exam??

also, i’ve read the article you gave me, but why then i’ve actually started to lose some sensitivity? because i do, i literally cannot feel anything on the same settings that before could make me orgasm very easily.

[Andy]

Hi there, PomPom!

I’m really glad to hear you find the gynecologist good and hoping the appointment tomorrow goes well!

A lot of doctors have this custom on not doing an inner exam in people that haven’t had insertive sex yet, but ideally, it shouldn’t be about it being some rule or ethics and it being only for the comfort of patients. So if this is something you would like to have and you doctor thinks it could be helpful, then hopefully not having some specific sort of sex won’t prevent you from accessing that type of exam. Does that make sense?

As for why you are finding the type of masturbation that worked for you less pleasurable now, there might be several reasons behind that. Because our whole bodies and especially minds play a huge role in how we experience pleasure, any change in them like stress, anxiety, illness, medications etc. can lead to us not experiencing pleasure that fully. Another thing that might play into it is that often new things feel more exciting to us so things that used to feel really pleasurable can become less amazing over time. In that case taking a break from what doesn’t work for you and exploring new things might be helpful.

Does anything from what I mention feel like it might be the case for you?

Here is also an article that has a lot more context and info that might be helpful: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body