Uhh confusion

[zebraduck]

Hi, this is my first post on here. I've been reading your forums and articles for a few years now and they have been very informative. But I'm quite confused about some things.
There is a girl at school that I think? I like? We have been close friends for quite a while but I don't really know how I feel about her (ie if I like her as more than a friend). We talk quite a lot and it does kind of seem like she acts differently with me than some of her other friends but I don't know if I'm reading too deep into things. Additionally, I don't really understand/know what the difference is between a friendship and a relationship beyond physical aspects, I've never been in one before. I also don't really understand what it
means to ask someone out, like we've done things and been to places together before but I've done that with other friends too, so I don't know what the difference are. And what should I do about my potential feelings for her. I know this has kind of been rambly and hasn't made much sense but I am quite confused.
Thank you.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, zebraduck. I'm glad you felt able to ask for help for yourself here. <3

I notice that people often think of ways we can feel about someone or ways we can be in relationship with someone as existing in very distinct and disconnected buckets, like that there is friendship feelings and/or relationships, for instance, and then there are sexual feelings and/or relationships, and that that those things don't have any crossover. But in reality, what's much more common is for these different ways we can feel about someone, or these different things we can want, or to be in relationship to be hybrid, to at least some degree. So, what's most common for example is being friends with someone, and wanting a friendship AND also to have romantic or sexual feelings, or to also have a chosen family relationship AND a friend relationship, so someone is a friend and family, rather than a friend OR family. Plus, a friendship is also a relationship: any ongoing connection we have with someone is a relationship, not just romantic or sexual connections. And lastly, there is

Sometimes rather than trying to figure out a broad or overarching type of feelings or relationships -- again, a whole bucket -- it can be clearer, and work a lot better, to think about what we want with someone and what we might want to do with them in the micro. Since you can't know her feelings or wants without talking to her, I'd also suggest you not try and figure out what you want or how you feel based on her just yet, but start with you, since you can know these things about yourself, even if it takes a little doing to tease them out.

How about you take a little time and write more here about how you feel when you're with her? You don't need to use any particular language or terminology, you can just riff on it for a bit. You might think about things like what parts of who you are as a person that feel or don't feel fired up when you're with her, how you feel when you are hanging out or after you have hung out, what parts of you feel answered or met and what don't, what makes you feel curious about her?

And relatedly, can you say some about what you think you might want to do with her, or some ways you do or might want her to be in your life? For instance, how much time do you want to spend with her? Doing what? What kind of place might you want her to be in in your life: does she feel like someone you'd want to have at most or all of the important parts of your life, or only some?

[zebraduck]

I'm not that great (extremely bad and entirely incapable) at describing my feelings, but I do know that I often want to talk to her when I see her at school. After spending time with her I often feel that I want to do it again, although I don't really understand what you mean by what parts of me feel fired up. I do sometimes wonder if part of the reason for these feelings is that I have never had a relationship before and have arbritrarily picked someone, although I don't currently feel this way about anyone else (I have had other crushes in the past that I never acted on though). I don't really know what I want to do with her or what I want her place in my life to be, I do want to spend more time with her though, especially time alone with her without other people. Thanks for responding so quickly and being helpful, sorry about my inability to describe my emotions.

[maille]

Hi, Zebraduck!

No apologies necessary here! It can be hard to articulate our emotions especially when we haven't figured them out for ourselves yet. Knowing that you want to spend more time with her is a perfectly good start and a good indicator that you are interested in some type of relationship with her. Lots of romantic relationships form from really good friendships anyhow. Do you think it may be true that as you spend more time with her, you further figure out what you want? I know that would be the case for me, but then again we are all different!

Also, I wouldn't get too in your head about having arbitrarily picked someone. You know yourself best, and if hanging out with her feels good, let it feel good.

[zebraduck]

I've already spent quite a lot of time with her already and she is a close friend, but I still don't really know what I want. I guess I'm kind of asking about what the different possibilities are, I think that might be more helpful than a more open ended question.

[maille]

I know you said you have read a lot of our static content, so you may have seen this one around before. It's called Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models. Have you read it? It may even be good for a re-read. It can give you an idea of different aspects of relationships. There is no one size fits all type of friendship or romantic relationship. Let me know what you think after taking a peek!

[zebraduck]

Yeah I've read this article before. The problem is that much of the advice is predicated upon having good communication and being able to discuss the nature of the relationship with each other. The problem is that in my case I currently am not able to do this as I am worried that discussing the nature of our relationship and my feelings could jeopardise our friendship. I suppose at some point I would have to get over that fear though.

[Heather]

I think you can look at that piece and still walk yourself through what you might want. For instance, what if you open it up, and go through it just assuming (whether or not this is true) that whatever you want she will also want. What do those ways of being with someone feel like when you think about her, your relationship so far, and what you want?

[zebraduck]

I'm sorry I don't really know how to describe my feelings, but especially the fenced in part of the article just seem... nice? to me or that I wish I had them, and I wish I could spend more time alone with her outside of school. Again I don't really know what I want, I don't really understand what you're asking, sorry.

[Heather]

Maybe you need some more time to clarify your own feelings then. Like Maille suggested, perhaps for right now, the answer would a just spending more time with her — and asking for that — and, while you’re with her, paying attention to how you feel.

Those feelings don’t have to be complicated, by the way. Maybe she makes you feel happy, or safe, or energized, or inspired, or warm: there’s no one right way to name feelings, it’s just giving words to how you feel in your heart, head and the rest of your body. If you feel like you need some practice with that, maybe do it with less loaded things, like songs or foods or movies?

[zebraduck]

I suppose happy is probably the best way to describe the way I feel around her, maybe relaxed as well. I'm a bit hesitant about specifically asking to spend more time with her, partly because I am shy when it comes to initiating things with everyone, but especially with her because I'm nervous that she'll interpret it as a sign that I like her (even if that may be true), although again I do tend to overthink things like this.

[Heather]

I understand, but you know, the thing is, we have to often take positive risks to develop relationships with people. We can't leave all the initiating to everyone else because sometimes that means it just never happens, but other times, even if it does, it can leave the person doing it feeling like they are the only one doing it. I think it's fair to say that if and when we feel ready to pursue emotionally intimate relationships of any kind -- including platonic friendships -- we have to also be re4ady to do things like ask someone to spend time with us or tell people how we feel.

Since it does sound like you really like this person, why not let them be someone you get some practice initiating things like this with? Mostly what someone thinks when we ask them to spend time with us or go somewhere with us is that we want to spend time with them and that we want to do what we are asking them to do with us with us. If she thinks you like her because you ask...well, you do like her, so I see no harm in that. If she asks at any point if you are interested in her romantically or sexually or otherwise, you can just answer based on how you feel.

[zebraduck]

I'm worried that if she does find out that I like her she'll feel uncomfortable or uneasy being friends with me (I would probably feel this way if I was on the other end). As said I don't really have any experience of these kinds of situations but I have lost friends before for saying things that I shouldn't to them and I really don't want the same thing to happen here.

[Heather]

I understand. But at the same time, you really can't even build much of a platonic friendship if you don't do things like ask friends to spend time with you.

I will say this: your fears here do seem to involve you saying that you do know you have feelings for her that are not just those of a platonic friend, per clarifying them. After all, it sounds like if you didn't have any romantic feelings, you wouldn't have any feelings you were scared of her finding out about?

[zebraduck]

Yes, I do think I have feelings for her that go beyond just platonic (hence me asking here in the first place), but I'm trying to figure out what exactly they are. Do you have any suggestions as to the type of thing I can do to spend time with her. And is it a good idea to tell her directly about these feelings (even if I feel anxious about doing so), or is that a sign I should avoid doing that for now at least

[Heather]

Since it sounds like you still aren't really sure about not just how you feel, but what kind of relationship you're ready to have with her -- I'm getting the vibe that you might not feel ready for the vulnerability a more intimate relationship usually requires? -- I'd personally stick to just spending more time with her now, and getting to know her more and know your own feelings and wants more.

Per what to ask about, how do you two usually spend time together? What interests do you share?

[zebraduck]

We spend lots of time together at school but don't do much outside. We've been to a museum together before but I think it would be good to find something else more fun and relaxing together. In terms of interests we're actually quite different, she's very sporty whereas I tend to just stay in my room playing videogames. We do have some shared interests though like books and history .

[Heather]

So, sometimes the way to get to know someone better and to ask them to do something is to choose something you think they would be most interested in or to invite them into one of your interests. How about a sports event? Or to invite them to some over and play a game with you?

Or, since you both like books, might there be any libraries nearby that are particularly cool or have cool collections? Or any history museums?

[zebraduck]

We don't live super close to each other. Maybe I could ask her to play a sport she likes with me even though I am not very good. I think I would prefer to do something less academic and more "fun" with her (not that I don't find books and museums fun).

[Heather]

Sure! What about asking her to show you how to play something she knows how to but you don't?

[zebraduck]

Ok I'll try to get over my anxiety to do that. Is it better to ask in person or by message do you think?

[Heather]

I think it's best to do whatever you feel most comfortable with!