I feel so alone and rejected by people I truly love

[random-rat]

my cousin is like rlly clearly gay and my grandma called my mom about it saying he needs to go to therapy (pls note this is the woman who refuses therapy saying its "useless" for her bipolar disorder and overtakes 20 different medicataions)

then my family was talking about politics and they said smth about trump and called hi "the president you hate" to me and I simply didn't reply and after they started talking and were like "all the democrats care about is themselves and the gays"

I've realized I can't come out to them. it hurts like hell. my mom defends gay men (or my gay male friends) sometimes when my dad and grandpa and brother make fun of them, so you'd think I could trust her, but then there's a girl my age question being lesbian/bi/pan she goes and says "people your age are too young to decide who they like" when kids my age come out as smth which she never says about hetero elementary schoolers "dating" and that crap

I feel so wrong and I hate this and why cant I just be straight why does this have to happen to me.

at least I have my awesome friend group, and I think I choose them to be my new family.

[Latha]

I can only say that I am sorry it is like this, random-rat. I'm sorry that the people you love have chosen to act in ways that hurt you. It is terrible that they've put you in a position where being safe means not being honest about who you are with them. You are not wrong. You have not caused this rift in your relationships by not being straight. Your family has caused it by being cruel about queer people and about the things that matter to you. They should know better.

I am glad that you have an awesome friend group, though. A lot of us have to turn to friendships to build a new families. It may not exactly replace what you may wish you could have with your parents, grandparents, and brother, but it can still fill your life with just as much love and care.

How can we best support you around this?

[random-rat]

see the issue is I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel about my family. I love hanging out with them, we genuinely have a lot of fun. and I don't want to lose the moments I've had with them over simply who I love. I wish they wouldn't keep making excuses for our president who is a pretty aweful person. I feel guilty for not standing up for the people they insult. and I've been denying that my parents don't like gay people but I've realized that is the case (at least with my dad). and then they've been forcing these views on my brother (who actually knows I'm a lesbian and he's ok with it towards me but then is homophobic towards my cousin in front of family). and now I really don't know how to act around them.

[Latha]

Hello Random-rat

There is no perfect answer for what you should do here, unfortunately. Of course you love the good times you have together and don't want to lose them. Who you love should be a simple thing, something that could not hurt your relationship with your family. And yet.

I understand why you would feel guilty, but you don't have to. You are not obligated to defend other queer people to your family. It would be one thing if they were likely to listen, but this situation is not fair to you--you are one person, and they've already shown themselves to be dismissive of your political opinions. Pick your battles, and prioritize your own safety and well-being.

and then they've been forcing these views on my brother...

It is interesting that he is okay towards you, but not with your cousin being gay. I wonder if you could talk to your brother and maybe get him to see how it isn't right to be homophobic.... Is that something you would consider? It is alright either way, but if you would like, we could brainstorm whether and how to have that conversation.

I want to share two advice columns we have that were written for people in situations like yours. I hope they'll provide some comfort:

• I'm closeted and my sister is homophobic -- is there a way to save our relationship

• I still love my mom even though she's homophobic. Does this make me a bad queer person?

[random-rat]

so I did have an honest conversation with my brother about it and he said stuff about how its something he does to fit in with the family and bcs he has unrealated beef with my cousin, so there's that.

and something interesting too: my dad has 3 gay employees, and somebody though my dad was homophobic and one of them defended him saying he's not and treats everyone equally and is really nice, so that just confuses me even more

[mikky]

hey random-rat, glad you were able to talk to your brother in an honest conversation, but what a huge bummer that he feels like in order to fit in with your family he needs to be outwardly homophobic, or that having interpersonal issues with your cousin is an excuse.
I think what you're probably pretty aware of by now, in both of these situations, is people can be pretty inconsistent with when they choose to stand by their values and when they don't. For your dad as an employer, it is the law that he treats everyone equally, and that experience from his employee doesn't cancel out what you experience at home.

[random-rat]

it sucks how I'm trying to defend my family still despite them just being homophobic. I'm so freaked out around them and terrified that they know something and I've been acting overly anxious again (I started Prozac because those feelings of something bad going to happen lead to depression) I know they're suspicious of it but this time it's something that cant be cured without me telling someone (sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense, I express myself a lot better in Italian)

[Sofi]

No worries about the language, you're doing great! And I'm so sorry to hear all this about your family. It actually makes sense to defend them, you love them and we are taught we have to be loyal to our family above all else. It's also okay to acknowledge when they're wrong or hurting us. How can we best support you with this?

[random-rat]

I really just need help accepting the fact that I'm never going to truly be accepted by them

[Sofi]

I will say, there's no way to know if they'll ever accept you or not. Often, parents change when their kid comes out, and it sounds like your family has defended gay folks before, so I wouldn't assume they definitely won't accept you. So I want you to prepare for either scenario since they're both possible. That said, I understand right now it seems and feels like they never will. Do you think you will want to come out to them sooner than later? Or would you be okay with or prefer to wait until you're an adult or so to do it?

[random-rat]

its interesting because I'm pretty sure my mom thinks I like this girl (she gave me this 90 day rule thing and said its for friendship but when I googled it its all about romance ) (and that girl is actually my crush) and when I was little I used to run around singing about wanting to kiss and marry my best friend and being in love with her. and I'm very clear to all my family that boys are disgusting. so I feel like they know to a certain point. however (probably due to my anxiety) I have a lot of trouble saying things (like for example I didn't tell my mom I got my period until my 2nd one halfway through and it was with a note because I couldnt say it out loud). I would like to probably wait until I'm older because like I said I dont want my mom to view it just as a phase. and when I do I can guarantee it'll be in a mass email or text or something (Dan Howell is my hero for a reason). also with my family's culture and stuff it feels wrong (and I love being Italian so much though its complicated). right now I'm out to basically anyone at school who asks and my friend's mom (she's a massive ally) and I don't feel like I need pressure from my family

[Sofi]

To be honest, it does sound like they probably already know / suspect it. And I think it's a good idea to wait it out anyway, so, by the time you would feel ready to come out, I honestly don't think it would be a shock to them. The good thing about this is that it gives them time to wrap their mind around their child (you specifically in this case) being queer, rather than it being a shocking surprise. I don't think this will be as bad as you are thinking it will, although I understand the comments they've made in the past make it feel like it. I also liked how you mentioned a few posts back that your friends are your chosen family. This is so common with queer people and while it doesn't take away the pain of not being accepted or loved properly by biological family, it helps fill that space a lot. Do you think for now you can lean into that by fostering your relationships with your friends and trying to just keep this private from your family? Or would it be hard to keep this from them for a while? It sounds like despite things they've said and done that were hurtful, you're close to them and clearly love them a lot.