How to navigate queer spaces?

[LopezMonty]

I mean, I guess this counts as a sex-ed question, though definitely not one I'd ask a teacher. My question really is just that: how to navigate queer spaces (and the many relationships, sex, and other scary-exciting things within).

For some background, I am a transmasculine person who is primarily attracted to men and other people like me (man-aligned, but not strictly male gender-wise).

I know a big part of (especially cisgender) gay men's spaces place a rather large emphasis on sex. And, while I'm not repulsed by it, it can make me hesitant. I know a lot of cis gay men can also be VERY transphobic, which scares me. I don't want to look for community, only to be rejected again. But is it stupid to look for community like that? To be curious about relationships and sex and even promiscuity while also wanting to belong?

While I don't want to reveal information about where I live, I do live near a rather large city, which I imagine is a good thing. While I'm obviously not seeking out any kind of sex right now, I am aware that it will likely be something I'll have to contend with in the future, so I'd rather figure it out sooner rather than later.

I'm really just a young person looking for advice, here. Mostly, how to overcome fear? Because all of it, relationships, sex, community, clubs and parties, it all scares and intrigues me at the same time.

[Heather]

Hi there, LopezMonty. <3

It would help me to have a better idea of what kinds of queer spaces you're asking about, since that can make a real difference. For example, a queer subreddit online is a very different place than say, an in-person community center, college queer community group, dance club, or sex party (though the two latter are likely not places you'll be going to very soon, given your age).

I do want to say that "promiscuity" is a word used with great judgment in and around sex most typically by people who have the idea that sex outside relationships means, as that word does, that people are not being selective about partners, something that is sometimes true for people, but not for most. For most of us who do or have engage in sex outside monogamous committed relationships, even those of us with many partners, we are still selective in who we choose. So, I am assuming you don't mean what that word means, and instead might be asking about something like casual sex or group sex?

[LopezMonty]

Oh, yes! I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that promiscuous was a judgmental term, though I should have. Yes, I did mean casual and/or group sex.

I guess the queer spaces I'm asking about are any? Preferably in person, though maybe building up confidence online is a good idea. I suppose that any interest in things like dance clubs or sex parties are a mix of being near adulthood and an interest in things that I see for myself as unobtainable. In a place like a university group or community center, I would never really imagine myself in any romantic or sexual scenario. So that feels realistic; obtainable. Safe, even. While platonic rejection hurts and isolation is a common experience of mine, repeated exposure to it almost makes it feel safe? Safer than trying something new and failing, anyway.

[Heather]

Thanks for clearing that up, and no worries.

It's really hard to give advice for "any" much in the same way it would be if you asked me how to navigate straight spaces. Often, I think, what the space is is something where there are a lot more specifics than the fact that it's some kind of queer space. I do still feel a little lost when it comes to knowing what I feel like we need to to best answer your question, too.

Let's try this: what one kind of queer space right now do you have interest in dipping a toe into, and what will you be looking for in that space?

[LopezMonty]

Well, if I’m being honest, I am interested in learning about things like clubs and parties, but that makes me feel embarrassed. Ashamed, even. Like, I’m a bad person for it. I’m nearly an adult, yet I feel more confused than ever. I want community more than anything else, but I can’t help but think I can’t have it. That I’ll mess it up, somehow. And I’m terrified of sex. Terrified, yet so intrigued by it. I always want what I can’t have, and it drives me further into my own sadness. But pitying myself just makes me look like a fool.

[amber]

Hi LopezMonty !

I am so sorry to hear that you feel like community is something you do not deserve. I can promise you that that is something you deserve and can create.

I also think you should give yourself some grace. You are saying you are nearly an adult, but turning 18 does not make you instantly different/grown. Teenage years are often when people feel most confused, which makes sense because of all the life changes!

Wanting sex or to belong in sexual spaces can be something you want in your future without desiring it in the moment. You are not a bad person for having those very common and human wants. Do you wanna talk more about what terrifies about/surrounding sex?

[LopezMonty]

Sex is terrifying for me for multiple reasons. It’s a mess.

1. I’m transgender (trans masculine) so I have a bad relationship with my body. Honestly, I hate it. So my mind thinks, “if I hate my body, then everyone else must, too”.

2. I like men (and nonbinary people, but men are more common). And men scare me, too. My entire life, it seems I’ve failed every test of masculinity or manhood put before me. So I’m afraid I’ll just fail again. Also, some cis gay men are very transphobic, I’ve heard.

3. Sex, especially queer sex, is a taboo subject where I’m from. I’ve never seen myself in any sex ed material, so I just don’t know what to do. I’m in a better environment now, but old habits die hard.

Overall, sex seems to exacerbate my insecurities, doubts, body image issues, and ultimately fear. But, frustratingly, despite my fear, I still find some way to be very imaginative.

[Andy]

Hey LopezMonety,

I’m sorry to hear partnered sex and what comes with it is so stressful to think about for you. You know, that it doesn’t seem to be something you would feel good about right now, doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy it in two, five or ten years. Things like being insecure about approaching potential partners or not feeling good in your body are things it is possible to work on and change over time. Is there something you would like to do for yourself?

We have this great series about overcoming sexual shame, that might have some useful thoughts and advice for you: The Sex Goddess Blues and I also want to leave you this piece that might be relatable <3: Man to Man: On Sex, Masculinity, and Being Yourself

I would like to get back to your original question, because that sounds more like something that is more relevant to where you are right now and because I also think that finding a good queer community would actually be really helpful in managing the fear and worries as well. You mentioned being interested in visiting some clubs, do you maybe have friends visiting places like that or can you think of a specific place you might be interested in going to?

[LopezMonty]

No, I don’t have any friends who go to club. I used to have one, but then I moved countries. I tried asking him about it once, but I guess he forgot-he hasn’t responded.

[Latha]

Hello LopezMonty! I'm sorry to hear that you've lost touch with your friend after moving. <3

You have time before you'd be able to think properly about going to clubs, so this is something you could keep in mind for a while. Going with friends can be safer, and having someone to look out for you might make this seem daunting and more like a fun and manageable outing. May I ask a little about your social life in general? Do you feel like you regularly get to hang out with queer people in general, and gay and transmasculine people specifically?

I want to add that it is true that some gay people are transphobic, but that doesn't mean there is no guy out there who will respect you or feel attracted to you as you are. There are plenty of achillean men who would want trans men as partners. If you would like, we can talk strategy so you can find those people while avoiding the transphobes.

You've mentioned that men scare you. If you'd like, this is a space where you can talk about why that is. We can listen to you and offer comfort or advice, as you need. (Is it the transphobia, or are there also other reasons?)

[LopezMonty]

I don’t feel like I can hang out with queer people regularly. At least, not right now. I’m looking into youth groups and stuff like that, but there will be a language barrier to overcome. I live in Spain, and while my Spanish isn’t bad, I’m still not good at communicating.

I’ve never known very many trans masculine people, and even less who would understand being outside of the binary.

I would like to talk about strategies to find not-transphobic people in queer spaces!

And about my fear of men. Part of it is definitely past experiences; never being enough and simultaneously too much for them. Despite the fact that I felt closer to boys than girls growing up, I ended up being rejected by them for being “a girl”. I think women in general are more accepting of differences in gender expression than men are, so I’m more comfortable with them.
Part of the fear is probably just statistical? Like, the worst thing I can imagine a woman doing to me is ruining my reputation and social life. But the worst thing I can imagine a man doing to me? Violence, rape, etc. I feel like the fact that, despite my resentment of it, I have a female body doesn’t help.

[Becky]

Hi LopezMonty!

I've been reading through your thread here and I was thinking that dating apps could maybe be a good place for you to start! I know you aren't specifically looking to find people date necessarily but lots of people use dating apps to find friends as well-- especially Queer people!

Another cool thing about dating apps is it gives you a chance to "meet" people before you actually meet them. And while, obviously, this is sometimes a gamble I think overall you can get a better sense of people (and how they might feel about trans people) before you have to meetup in person.

There's also spaces (both online or in person) that are T4T. I don't know if you are familiar with this term but it means "trans for trans". People use it to indicate that they themselves are trans and are looking for relationships and friendships with other trans people because you will have a better understanding of each other's gender experience. Maybe these could be the kinds of communities you look for to start with? I'm not saying you'll never run into a judgemental or shitty trans person but it would probably reduce the odds of having to navigate transphobia in your relationships.

Check out these articles and let me know what you think! I know they are about dating but I think strategies for dating for finding romantic relationships and looking for new friends have a lot of overlap.
Dating While Trans? Yes You Can!
Navigating Dating Beyond the Binary