Having some feelings.

[ratherslowseal]

I really love sex with my boyfriend, but I have been having some difficulties related to it, specifically to my own pleasure.

The first (and more solvable one) is that, so far, I have not been able to experience any kind of pleasure from genital stimulation during sex. I am pretty knowledgeable of my own needs and what that progression looks like for me during masturbation, and I've communicated that to my boyfriend as well, yet for some reason pretty much every time he's touched my genitals (both externally and internally), I just do not feel that much. At best, I end up trying to feel good, but I'm not actually already there, I just want to be there. At worst, my genitals (at least my external genitals) being stimulated just feels Bad and I ask him to stop. Sometimes I have touched myself during sex as well, and it really wasn't that much better.

Recently, we have more frequently forgone the step of him stimulating me with his hand, and have just opted for vaginal penetration, which doesn't feel bad, just not amazing. I do enjoy the more mental/psychological (?) facets of being penetrated that have less to do with physical pleasure, and penetration can feel really good for me, but that is almost always dependent on 1) me being very aroused and 2) my external and then internal genitals being stimulated in a specific way, which we have tried but hasn't yielded much for me during partnered sex, for a mysterious reason.

So, even though I love the intimacy and the connection, and that I get to make my boyfriend, who I am insanely attracted to, feel good, sex has also become a little underwhelming for me. Not really during (I'm more preoccupied with other things), but after. I'm always left wanting more. Like, in the sexual response cycle, I basically just experience desire (and very intensely), but nothing further. Not even close. It usually goes like: we make out, he fucks me (or I give him oral), he finishes, and then we cuddle and I'm still terribly turned on. We have talked about it and he told me he'd absolutely keep touching me after he orgasms, but after trying that once it didn't do anything for me due to reasons above.

I know this is comparing, and I should clarify that I don't mean this in the "I make you experience X thing, therefore you owe me X thing in return" way, it's just a feeling that I've noticed, and behaving in that way would not be right nor healthy, but I do feel a little bit of frustration around the fact that it is Really Easy for me to make my boyfriend feel good and orgasm, meanwhile it is difficult for me to feel pleasure or for him to give me that. It does feel a little one-sided, and he expressed the same concern to me last night, but I do know that it doesn't come from any intentional devaluing or neglect for my feelings and pleasure on his part. He DOES want to make me feel good, we just haven't figured out how. I also recognize that at least part of this disparity has to do with differences in our sex characteristics (mechanically, touching/pleasuring a penis is much simpler than a vulva/vagina, though this is also oversimplified) and himself being cisgender while I am transgender, so we also have very different relationships to our sex characteristics (e.g., it is very difficult for me to refer to a specific part of my external genitals, and both the "feminine" and "masculine" words provoke dysphoria in one way or another). There is also a difference in like, how and for how long I usually need to be stimulated in order to find penetrative sex physically pleasurable, and in the past trying to do that has led to physical discomfort/pain or made it harder for him to stay hard after a certain amount of time, which has also contributed to us skipping him stimulating me and focusing more on his pleasure.

I don't have any trouble making myself feel good or orgasming when I am alone, so there isn't really any possible source of my problem that doesn't have to do with some element unique to partnered sex. My first guess is that maybe I'm just not relaxed enough, but I'm not really sure why I'm not relaxed, at least not as relaxed as I think I am. I am extremely comfortable around my boyfriend, I have never felt hesitant or bad to e.g. be naked with/around him or any other kind of physical intimacy. The only culprits that I could think of are maybe that I have expectations around sex that are limiting me (though I think I've worked on that a bit already) and leading my focus away from the present moment, and/or (though this one definitely has some kind of role) my dysphoria around certain parts of my body or features (thankfully I am going back on T very soon!!).

The second part of this is a bit different. More... vent-y. Through our conversations, we have discovered that our sexual interests, kinks, and preferences align over some major areas, but I have also expressed a few interests/desires of my own that he has absolutely no interest in and is even made rather uncomfortable by. Like, I have developed a relatively strong interest to experiment with impact play, and he does not really share that interest beyond anything he could use his hands for. He is also very averse to leaving bruises or marks (specifically from hitting me), which is an extremely alluring element of impact play to me. Last night I shared with him a fantasy I had recently involving me being threatened with a knife (in reality, an extremely and intentionally dull knife), and he Really didn't like that.

He told me that he "doesn't want to hurt me" and I can understand that this is just his preference and how he feels about and understands these activities, but I do feel some amount of like, eh, disappointment? I also notice that I feel some friction between how I feel about/understand those activities compared to how he does. Because I don't really view those things as hurting me, at least not just hurting me. I struggle to conceptualize all hurt or pain or sensation as being necessarily the same, because how someone experiences that can be wildly different depending on the context. Being hurt non-consensually in a non-sexual context is not hot, being hurt (and eroticizing it) consensually in a sexual context IS hot. I realize there isn't really like, a healthy or appropriate way to act on these feelings, which is why I am expressing them here, because I think it's probably for the best that I allow myself to feel them and just get them out there, and then move on.

I should add that we have talked about what we have in common as well, and more extensively, and we intend to write our own yes/no/maybe lists (I find it a little difficult, because it turns out that writing a big list of things that turn me on, turns me on), because while our conversations have been very vulnerable and intimate, they have also left a Lot to be clarified. Like, if using implements or weapon props is a limit for him and simply his preference, then that's just a limit of his, but as our conversations have been going it isn't super clear to me where exactly those things stand. For example, I know from my own experience that I thought I wasn't into some things and that they were a hard no for me, but then I realized that I just had an inaccurate idea of what they were in my head and that I actually find them quite alluring. But I realize that there is a possibility this isn't the case here, and even if it is, then that is his own decision to learn more or process that for himself, it's not something I can or want to force him to do. That is his own, not mine.

It is time for me to go to work, but I'm glad I could get this out.

- rather sexually frustrated seal

[Anya]

Hey ratherslowseal,

It sounds like there are two primary aspects to your question, one on physical pleasure in partnered sex, and the other on differing levels of interest/comfort with certain desires. Let's first start with the pleasure in partnered sex bit, and then we'll get into the desire aspect after.

My first inclination here is that the issue is not physical, but psychological. This is a very common, yet overlooked, conclusion especially for AFAB people who, seemingly for no reason, can't experience pleasure with their partners, but can on their own. Since you mentioned being able to experience pleasure and orgasm during masturbation, this is what gives it away for me. When you masturbate on your own, does this experience (always/sometimes/never) include fantasies, sexual media, or other thoughts of the interests you mentioned? Because if when you masturbate alone, these desires are more often than not, included, I would lean towards also think that the missing element of your specific preferences is playing a large role in your inability to feel aroused or totally authentic with your boyfriend. If you are not engaging with these fantasies during masturbation, then I would say it could likely be what you have already mentioned, just not being able to feel fully relaxed. This is something that happens to people regardless of comfort with their partner in general, and can be associated with any kind of feelings of stress/pressure to "feel good/orgasm," insecurity about appearance/body (may also be triggered by dysphoria), or anxiety/mental state outside of the sexual dynamic that subconsciously seep in when we start to feel vulnerable. Do any of these speak to you or feel possibly relatable?

Let me know what feels relatable, if anything there, and we can work on how to move forward when we get a bit more clarity.

Now, on the topic of desire and partner discrepancy. This is a tough one sometimes because how valuable it is for one's partner to share their fantasies, or at least tolerate them differs from person to person. For some, it's a dealbreaker if they don't get to experience those interests, and for others, practicing them alone, or potentially just later in life/with others is fine. I think it's important you think critically about what you are willing to sacrifice and where your boundaries are. There is nothing selfish about having needs that differ from someone else's.

I do think it's fantastic that you're considering a yes/no/maybe list! Here is ours, that you might consider working off of: Yes, No, Maybe: A Sexual Inventory Stockiest
A few things to note here: do be sure to get on the same page with your boyfriend about what these terms mean first, for example, is a "yes" something you want every time, or are just open to? Is a "maybe" something i'm ready to try right now, or something I don't know enough about yet? (basically just do make sure to clarify what each of these mean in relation to the act you're discussing so you're on the same page). As well, it seems that PIV sex is the most common way you two engage, but are there other types of sex you'd try? Like instead of thinking of foreplay as a pre-sex act, it could instead be the whole thing, just focusing on arousal, desire (not orgasm), and non-genital erogenous zones. Does this sound interesting at all?

I also wonder about compromises that might be made here. Sometimes when interests don't align, something that can be substituted is differing fantasies during the same sexual engagement. This could mean doing your own mental fantasizing about what you want, while he thinks about what turns him on. This acknowledges a difference, but works to prioritize both of you. Or, you might consider some form of role-play or "dirty talk" that plays with the topics you like without actually taking the actions themselves. Would it work for you to offer him things to say to you that might excite the same feeling that taking the action would? (obviously its not exactly the same, but maybe worth a try).

Lastly, more conversation between both of you about what your interests mean to you might make you realize that some of your desires stem from similar places. Like, if your interest in impact play or experiencing pain comes from the root of just wanting physical sensation play, he might be able to understand this if he likes something even like skin-to-skin contact, caressing, making out; all physical sensations that can make sex more pleasurable. Or, in another case, if you like the dominance or power role of someone consensually threatening you with fake violence, it might be easier for him to conceptualize it as a form of care. Some find these roles comforting because it gives them freedom within what feels like a safe environment, and they can thus feel wanted/attractive/desired. If this, or something like this, is the case, it can be a smoother way of talking through these things; from the root first. Does this make sense?

Here are a few resources you might also look into around these topics:
Reciprocity Reloaded
The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum
Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats And Hows Of Talking About Sex With A Partner