sex neutrality is cool, but has learning more about sex tanked my ability to participate in (solo) sex?

[darkingbog]

aka: a rant about feeling the ebbs and flows of sexuality.

after a lot of “firsts” in 2024, i’ve been spending more time focused on “becoming a sexpert,” lurking on these boards, reflecting on and continuing to process my own partnered experiences, and learning as much as I can. weirdly, it almost feels like my momentary fixation on sex has made me way less interested in sex. I don’t think I “know all I can know,” especially because I have a lot of experience ahead of me that I will learn and grow from, but it does almost feel like sex has lost its mystique to me. has anyone else felt themselves change like this?

I don’t get excited by strangers like some people do, and I would say I’m one of those people who needs a “strong connection” built on trust in order to even feel attracted to someone. (think: similar to how some people describe “demisexual,”)
for reasons that may be obvious, I only really feel interested in the idea of sex with someone I really trust, and in my life right now I don’t think there are any of these candidates, so it’s almost like the lack of sexual opportunity with others makes me feel like my sexuality has been turned down a notch? which is frustrating! I wish I could have fun alone but I feel like when I was with a partner everything was a lot more exciting. I am rarely (if ever) aroused recently, only “interested” in stuff. isn’t that funny!

I just didn’t realize that arousal could be affected situationally like that, I always thought it was something that ebbed and flowed but kinda did its own thing regardless of circumstance. turns out, as I’m learning, the brain is a lot more interconnected than I thought. lately I’ve been considering titrating down from an SSRI that I’ve been on for 7+ years, which is a whole other decision in and of itself, but there is a possibility that may change things related to arousal and sensation and all that. part of me feels kind of mad at the lack of choice about being put on a med that could be affecting how I experience those things . . .

I think there’s a lot of positives to de-mystifying sex, like an increase of awareness in one’s own boundaries and feelings, for one. when sex is thought of as a special unlike-anything-else kind of thing, I imagine that people forget to check-in, letting purely expectations run their course instead of their own feelings. I guess I still just worry that in any future partnership I’ll fail to recognize my own feelings, or a partner’s feelings, or something like that. I think I hold a lot of self-doubt and I know that inhibits me.

sexuality is fun, fulfilling, exciting, wonderful, et cetera, but for (as I imagine) a lot of us, it doesn’t always feel like those things. is anyone else feeling like their own expectations or past experiences are bogging them down?

thoughtfully,

darkingbog

[Heather]

Hey there, darkingbog.

You know, given how young you are, and how little life experience with sexuality you probably have at this point, I wouldn't worry about how you're feeling being anything more than temporary. I was someone who was much, much more sexually active with far more partners in my teens and early 20s than just about anyone was then and certainly than most people in their teens tend to be in this era now, and even with that given, the idea that I somehow was anywhere but at the very dawn of my sexuality, especially with decades of hindsight now, seems preposterous, you know?

It does sound like some of what's happening is you feeling uninspired sexually given a lack of opportunity for partners or even just people you encounter who turn it on or up for you, and it certainly can also be that a very intellectual focus on sexuality -- especially if and when that's been all or most of the focus -- can kind of dim the lights, too. I think a lot of where the wonder comes from when it comes to sex isn't about things we read, but about what we actually experience, especially since experience often holds so much diversity. That experience also is, I think, what can give you more confidence with some of the things you're worrying about.

In case it also helps to know: one of the reasons I think I, personally, wound up in sexuality work as my life's work is that it's something so vast and so diverse that I think none of us can ever possibly know all there is to know about it. That's always been exciting to me as a very curious person because it means I never run out of things to learn and never stop adapting what I know because the longer I live and work the more I know to apply to everything I already thought I knew. As someone who has been working in the field full-time for around 30 years now, and who has been gathering what we'll call extensive field research for over four decades, I still know there is so much I not only don't know, but I won't likely ever know, just by virtue of the fact that when when you study a lot and have a lot of sexual experience, there's no way you can know all there is to know about something experienced in very unique ways by billions of people. Maybe reminding yourself that you probably only know about the tip of the iceberg will help you feel a little more hopeful?

Again, I do think where we find the wonder -- or what you're calling mystique -- in sex and sexuality for ourselves, rather than more intellectually, is usually in our sexual experiences more than anything else, so it may just be that for the moment, this isn't the best place for you to find that excitement and wonder, while experiences aren't currently something that feel available to you. It may be that that feeling of wonder might be best found elsewhere for you for the time being?