i'm scared of dating, but want to date, what do i do?

[smiyh38]

Hi, Im almost 17 and i'm quite shy, and I don't have the best relationship with men. I've been sexualised and harassed from a young age, and it's led me away from ever dating or seeing anyone because I'm afraid of expectations or that I'm not the sexual or cool girl they want me to be. I've also always been very insecure about my appearance despite what anyone would tell me, and it's only made things harder. Recently I've noticed myself very slowly getting more confident in my looks, and I really want to let myself live romance and to experiment and meet people. I'm so scared that I don't know how to do that. I want to tame my fear and find out the right ways to navigate the dating world as someone shamefully inexperienced, but I don't know what steps I can take. I'm worried throwing myself in the deep end will just put me in a position I'm not ready to handle.

[Sofi]

Hi there, I'm so glad you wrote to us. I'm really sorry to hear you've had a bad experience with men. It's really smart of you to take your time and go at a pace that makes sense for you. <3

At your age, it's totally normal to be inexperienced in dating, so I don't think it's anything to consider shameful. Like I said, taking your time is the best way to go here, and that includes spending some time enjoying and growing that confidence you've been building in yourself. This can look however you want it to look, and once you feel a bit more comfortable, you can start by just striking conversations with guys you find interesting. Being yourself is super important to have a healthy dating life, and this idea that there's a "cool girl" men want...it's only going to leave you feeling inauthentic and like it's never good enough. Besides, you don't have to do anything to appeal to men - you are so worthy of a good guy and the right ones will like you for who you are. Where does this idea come from for you, that you have to fit a mold to be appealing to men? Did you hear this somewhere, or have you had personal experience with someone saying that to you?

[smiyh38]

Hi Sofi,

This may sound a bit strong, but I think the concept of moulding yourself to "appeal" to men to me just seems like something many young girls have been surrounded by since the beginning, from beauty standards to internalised misogyny, gender roles and the whole Madonna-whore complex. I feel like no matter the age, women are provided with new expectations and standards for what a girl is supposed to be or should want to be. I've grown up in a very busy city, and living in an environment like this, I do think it sets up a lot of baseline party culture, and it can be hard not to get tangled up in different forms of peer pressure to be a certain way. I think, to me, I've noticed the issue is the expectation to always be "open" to more vulnerable things but to turn a blind eye to different processes to guide safety and personal opinions. I also think this is why it's been so easy for me and many other women to be subjected to bad behaviour from men and easily be objectified.

I think with where I'm at now I understand how easily a situation, especially within romantic relations, can go badly and how defied expectations can quickly become harmful and even violent. I'm still hesitant to let myself go into a world of romance that I know can be so cruel, but I truly want to experience how beautiful and how important love and meeting people, friends or not, can really be; I don't want to deprive myself of that.

I want to learn and practise how good and hopefully comfortable experiences can be made, whether it results in something new or whether it's simply just an experiment. I want to figure out how I can be honest and open about how I feel about things like this in a way that's appropriate and figure out what responses to that honesty are acceptable or should be flagged for pressure later down the line.

Sorry this is so long! I wanted to try to make sure I touch base on all questions and, hopefully, speak clearly. If anything is confusing, I can be sure to clarify, and clarifying questions are my favourite. Thank you for your response; you seem very kind.

[Sofi]

I absolutely agree with you and it's great that you see this at such a young age (it took me a lot longer than you to realize and figure all that out). The world of dating can indeed be scary for women especially, so it's good you're wanting to be cautious. And, like you said, there's all these standards for how girls and women "should" be. It can be hard as a teenager to break free from those and decide to just be yourself without feeling the need to adhere to those standards, especially because sometimes other teens can be jerks if you don't fit the mold. But if that's something you want to work on, letting go of the opinions of others and leaning into who you want to be, we can talk about it more.

While it'd be impossible for me to list out all the red flag behaviors to look out for, I can give you a yes or no if you name some you're thinking of. Overall, you want to look for someone who will respect your boundaries, doesn't laugh at you/make fun of you, values your opinions, and clearly sees you as a human being worthy of all these things. As far as safety goes, ideally the people you get involved with have certain key things to look for, such as they can regulate their emotions instead of taking them out on you/others. Again, though, impossible to list out *all* the specific things to look for and to run away from.

For now, I can send you a couple pieces from our site that while not your exact situation, have really helpful info that can be applied here:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
What I Would've Told My Teenage Self About Dating and Relationships
He (mostly) seems nice online: should I meet him in person?
Please give these a read and let me know what comes up/any questions or thoughts you might have. <3