How to discover the source of sexual shame?

[LopezMonty]

This is probably a licensed medical professional question, but I’ll try to ask anyway.

How do people discover the source of their sexual shame?

For other people, I can imagine it’s something as easy as “oh, I was raised religious” or “this was patriarchal conditioning forced upon me in my youth”.

This just brings up more frustration for me, if I’m being honest. It’s just another way that I don’t seem to fit in any way. And if I do “fit” or “belong” it’s as a woman or “woman-lite”.
I’m aware that people naturally gravitate towards putting people in boxes, but what am I supposed to do if my shame or life story doesn’t fit in any box?

What help could I possibly get then?

[Sofi]

Hi there. You know, I hear what you're saying, most sexual shame help is geared towards religious upbringings. But just because that wasn't the case for you, doesn't make your story different in a bad way. There are tons of people who hold sexual shame for a thousand different reasons.

Being socialized as a girl is actually often enough to give some women sexual shame that's hard to shake off, simply for being a girl in a society that shames women for existing. You can read more examples of what I mean in this piece: The Sex Goddess Blues: Overcoming Sexual Shame
In your case, from what you've shared with us before, there could maybe be something tied to being trans and experiencing some gender dysphoria. It's pretty common for all queer people including trans folks to have sexual shame, since we don't really fit into what society wants us to be. Do you think that could be playing a role here?

As far as where it came from, a good way to start figuring out the source of that shame is asking yourself when is the first time you felt it? I will also say, though, sometimes it doesn't really matter that much WHERE the shame comes from. It will require a similar type of work to undo that shame whether it came from your parents, religion, society, an ex partner, or anything else. So maybe you don't have to be in a box as far as your story, since all our stories are unique anyway, and you can lean into community on places like Scarleteen where tons of people are going through similar struggles regardless of the underlying reason. <3

[LopezMonty]

I don’t really know when it started. I’m realizing that I don’t remember large chunks of my earlier life, which is not a good sign .

Maybe I’m just too sensitive, but many of the resources out there that could help me with sexual shame just make me really dysphoric. Since I was raised female, a lot of the advice can apply to me, but it gets to a point.
Over and over again, it’s “you’re definitely a woman, right? Your body is like this, so I and everyone else in your life see you as a girl. You’re still a girl, aren’t you?! You have to be! Because of your body and your upbringing, you MUST be a girl!”

I feel like, recently, maybe a lot of the sexual shame has been coming from myself and what I perceive as normal. By that, I mean, how do I say this?
I like BL. It’s played a part in me figuring out myself and what I want, but I worry that that’s wrong. That I fit into a stereotype (mostly online) that transmasculine gays like myself are just fetishizing “real” gay men.
I don’t even think I’m a binary man, but that’s a stereotype in and of itself. Then I’m just “woman-lite” or a “theyfab”. I want to transition to be male, but transphobia won’t stop even then.

I feel like I’m not doing gender or sexuality “correctly” or in an “acceptable way”. That, no matter what, there will always be parts of myself that no one will accept or understand. That brings me shame. I’m ashamed of myself and my “unconventional” interests. I’m ashamed of any and all desires that might not be mainstream enough.

I’m ashamed of identifying with men and failing to be “man enough”, in appearance, behavior, and sexual interests. And I’m ashamed that, above all else, I’m too queer for men’s spaces and too much of a man for women’s spaces.

[Straif]

Hi LopezMonty,

If you haven't already read Undoing Sexual Shame (or even if you have) you might want to give that a look. It's gender neutral in ways that the "Sex Goddess Blues" article isn't. Even if everything about it doesn't resonate with you, the advice it gives is solid. If you read back over your post after looking at the article, it looks like you've already got some pretty good ideas about where your shame is coming from (Step Two). You can continue to reflect on other sources, but I think you are also ready for the other steps: taking things slow, reminding yourself there's nothing wrong with you, and talking to someone. I believe you already have a therapist, and I'd strongly encourage bringing this article with you to a session. There's definitely a lot there that they should be able to help you work through.

Speaking specifically about BL media, there's nothing wrong with liking it. As we often tell folks, your desires and fantasies are your own. If it's not hindering you from treating people with respect and compassion, then it's not a problem. For more on that, may I recommend How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms and Making Sense of Sexual Media. There's a lot of shaming language around BL online, much of which is informed by misogyny (with a potential bonus side of transphobia, just for you, of course). If you tend to spend time in spaces where that shaming rhetoric is common, I recommend taking a break from them. The last thing you need is an external voice echoing the thoughts you're trying to recondition.