Girlfriend enjoys sex but doesn't get wet, sometimes has pain, and hasn't orgasmed in ~5 years, what could be going on?

[jelly27]

My gf (24) and I (21) have been together for about 6 months. She enjoys sexual experiences with me and wants it, but wants to actually orgasm with me (and I do too), but nothing has worked so far, and this isn't new, it's been the same with basically every guy she's been with before too.

Desire/arousal:

• She enjoys sex and wants it, but almost never feels spontaneously horny on her own, including alone
  
  Essentially never masturbated — tried once, felt "stupid," no pleasure, stopped
  
  Doesn't like porn, finds it gross, no arousal from it
  
  Does respond to voyeurism — really likes watching me masturbate, even though porn/solo masturbation don't do anything for her
  
  Doesn't get wet at all on her own even with extended foreplay (we use lube)

Touch/pain:

• Prefers external clitoral stimulation (rubbing, back and forth) over internal/penetrative fingering
  
  Internal fingering sometimes hurts location unclear, inconsistent
  
  She had never had sex before being with me. Penetration was difficult at first but became easier afterward.
  
  We communicate a lot during sex and oral and she gives real-time feedback, which I follow, but it hasn't changed the outcome.

Orgasm:

• Gets "close" but can't finish — with any stimulation type
  
  Last orgasm was from oral with previous partner in 2021 - hasn't with anyone since then
  
  We've tried oral, external/internal fingering, sex, vibrator, lube, and long sessions
  
  She has released a large amount of fluid twice while we were together, which we think may have been squirting. However, she doesn’t think she orgasmed either time and isn’t completely sure what she experienced

Ruled out: not on hormonal birth control, antidepressants, anxiety meds, antihistamines, or anything else typically linked to these issues.

I’m not trying to make her orgasm to prove something about myself, and I don’t want to pressure her or make sex feel like a test. She is the one saying she wants to understand this and be able to finish, and I’m trying to support her.

[Sofi]

Hi there jelly27, welcome to the boards!

I'm going to address some points in your post but I also wanted to ask if she'd be willing to join the conversation? It would be helpful to be able to talk to her directly about this

So, what she's experiencing is not uncommon and it doesn't sound like there's any issue to solve per se. I do understand she wants to experience orgasm and that's valid. But, and it sounds like you know this already, having goals during sex adds pressure, which in turn makes it harder to achieve said goals. Sex, both solo and partnered, is about pleasure. Orgasms are not the only way to experience pleasure, so focusing on that is really doing you both a disservice. It's also important to note that our primary sex organ is our brain and that's where orgasms start/happen, so when we're in our heads during sex, it can be harder to orgasm. The best advice in these situations is for her to try masturbating without the goal of orgasm, while she's relaxed and can just enjoy and explore what she likes with the focus being on pleasure.

With all that said, I do want to suggest something else for her. Given what you said, it sounds like clitoral stimulation is her preference but I'm not seeing that she's tried a vibrator for that specifically. A lot of people with a vulva prefer that over internal sex toys anyway, since it's not uncommon for that to be more pleasurable than insertion. It'd be good for her to try it on her own but you can also try it together as well.

I'll also add that she clearly has responsive desire and that's normal, not everyone gets aroused before some warmup activities have happened. This can be anything from what people call "foreplay", which is just different types of sex, to what we consider foreplay here: the activities BEFORE sex begins that help put someone in the right headspace for arousal to happen. Think deep conversations, taking a hot bath (alone or together), a massage, cuddling, and really any other form of emotional and/or physical intimacy without the pressure of it leading to sex. Is this something you two already do, and if not, are you willing to give it a try?

I'm going to drop this here too, as it has some helpful info: When the Big O is a No-Show

[jelly27]

Hi Sofie thanks for really detailed reply!

I'll start off buy saying she'd rather I handle the conversation for now but I'll pass along everything to what you said.

On the vibrator: I actually already funny enough got her a Rose toy, so it is external/clitoral-focused. She's told me she's only used it twice but like once again doesn't get like horny from it but still enjoys using it and is pleasurable but hasn't finished with it either.

On the pre-sex intimacy piece: we actually already do a lot of that, we cuddle, talk, or watch something together pretty much every time before anything happens.

[Anya]

Hey jelly27,

It sounds like you and your partner have lovely dialogue going about sex and orgasm, so in terms of communication, this sounds great. What I'm thinking a lot about here though, as young people especially (and as a fellow YA myself), there is a lot of pressure often in media and internet culture to treat orgasm as like an "achievement," or that without it sex is "lesser." It seems like you do already know this isn't the case, but for the sake of saying it anyway, even unintended, sometimes trying to "achieve" orgasm with a partner who hasn't with you so far, arises a sense of emotional pressure that you might feel disappointed with their lack of orgasm. This can sometimes accidentally exacerbate original fears, pressure, or insecurity, so before talking more about the "goal" of an orgasm further, I do want to name that it is likely a good starting place to remind your partner that with or without orgasm, the intimacy you share is enjoyed and she is cared about either way. These things, even if we believe them internally, can often really make a difference to just hear from a partner as a reminder, and ease any extra unintended pressure that might contribute to any stress around orgasm for her.

Now, on the subject of the orgasm more specifically, has she told you about how that last time felt or what might have been different (if anything) about it? Could be a style or oral sex or fantasy that played alongside. If she can identify anything that helped her feel relaxed and comfortable enough to experience heightened arousal, it might help for these present situations. If not, that's of course fine too, I think what you're already doing is great in terms of real-time feedback and communication during sex about what feels good or what each person wants in the moment.

Let me know your thoughts on this.