Is it asexuality or trauma?

[blackberrybuds]

For as long as I could remember, I never liked talking about sex irl. Or even anything non-sexually related such as genitals, periods, pregnancy, anything that could have anything to do with our private parts. Whenever it would get brought up I would feel myself almost dissociating. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it but I would try to tune it out as much as possible and think about something else while the person talked.

Online however is a different story. I've masturbated and consumed nsfw media. And while there were times where I did genuinely hate how often I'd get turned on, I still chose to engage in private acts like that. I've also had sexual intimacy with 2 online partners I've had in the past (it was a polycule relationship) And while I did enjoy the flirting and all, I did it more to feel emotionally closer to them. During this time I've considered myself demisexual.

Now if I were to get into another romantic relationship, I would probably not have sexual intimacy with them because not only is engaging in sex a disgusting concept to me, but because I have OCD I always fear of raping or sexually assaulting them without realizing it and hurting someone I love forever.

But at the same time I still masturbate and consume nsfw fics & art in my alone time. I've been doing this since maybe 11 or 12? I don't know. Being groomed and surrounded by explicit media at such a young age definitely affected how I view sex.

I feel like I'm Apothisexual but sometimes I worry maybe I'm not and I just don't fully understand asexuality.

Thank you for reading!