Gender and medical transition

[isharekindness]

Hi I'm Amab transitioning medically I've been on HRT 3 months going onto 4 in like a few days So I wanted to ask how can I maneuver and navigate my new life I guess with gender dysphoria.

1. Dating = Because I am medically transitioning, I know I can date now it doesn't matter but I get so confused because since I look like a guy and am perceived as one usually, I'm seen as a gay man because I'm feminine and society equates that to being gay which shouldn't be the case. How do I do attract or find the right partner how do I tell them I want to be the girl in the relationships and treated as such and how do I not attract a man who will fetishize me or see me not as the correct gender because I never feel seen as my right gender and pronouns like how will him using my pronouns in public and not in public work because no one ever seems to use mine.

2. Friends = I seem to never have friends or keep them they never include me or understand me I tried joining trans spaces and oddly don't fit in as a trans person and although im so confused about my gender i feel like my trans community isn't any help how do i make a friend who understands and gets me and relates to me because my community seems to not wanna talk to me i have no one in my life so its quite confusing

3. Body/perception = im not happy with my face card i look like a guy and am treated as such and ppl are rough with me i wanna be seen as a girl and feminine and be treated softly and kindly other than my face card i don't care but it messes with me because i hate how ppl perceive me as a guy and i feel so misunderstood and stereotyped because ppl think im gay and a man like they assume so much and think they know me or people like me so it sucks i don't feel understood or welcome anywhere or understood its sad even i feel like my own community doesn't get me i don't feel represented

4. clothes / make up = I am scared to wear what I want when working because I work 2 jobs where 1 heavily relies on selling and talking to people so if i present ina way i fear i won't be a help to the job and another with kids so like parents thinking things about me especially whats goin on with the state of the world i get so scared and no one at my jobs respects me or uses my pronouns so I am in a tight situation

- I just want to be respected and understood and loved i gave myself away to men for their plesure so i could be seen as a women and explain my dysphoria and thinking they'd listen and care but they just wanted sex and didn't listen or care or respect me so unfortunately i gave them what they wanted and they didn't love or care for me and I hold all these things over me because it's kinda my fault and i should've known better.

[Andy]

Hi and welcome to the boards isharekindness (what a nice username)!

I am sorry I won’t be able to answer this fully as my shift is ending, but someone else from the team will get back to you as soon as they can. For now I just want to say that I’m really sorry you had all these crummy experiences both within the trans community and with people you dated. None of these were your fault at all, that’s all on those people. But thankfully both trans communities and the pool of men are really big and there are many good ones out there that will treat you with the respect and care you deserve<3

I also wanted to leave you this piece to one of my all time favorite series on Scarleteen if you want to do some reading before we get back to you: Welcome to Trans Summer School!

[Heather]

Hey there, isharekindness. We spoke in chat earlier, I really appreciate your patience in switching to the boards.

These are a lot of questions to tackle all in one fell swoop, so can I ask that you pick one of the four you brought up to start with, and we can take it and the rest as we go?

First, though, I want to say something to you about this:

I just want to be respected and understood and loved i gave myself away to men for their pleasure so i could be seen as a women and explain my dysphoria and thinking they'd listen and care but they just wanted sex and didn't listen or care or respect me so unfortunately i gave them what they wanted and they didn't love or care for me and I hold all these things over me because it's kinda my fault and i should've known better.

I generally think that when we obviously didn't know better...well, we obviously didn't know better.

Given how young you are, given how intensely toxic so much of the world currently is for those of us who are trans or otherwise gender-nonconforming, and given some of the really broken ideas about sex and love and gender we all grow up with are, I'd have been pretty surprised if you could have known better in the way you're suggesting.

It's really hard to know what the right or most effective path is for things like acceptance and validation, and when we're new to it, it can also really be hard to tell the difference between who just wants something like sex from us, and who is actually invested in us as whole human beings. Few people are good at that at 20. A whole lot of people still aren't good at it at my age.

Your desires for respect, understanding and love are important and valid af. That the people you have looked to so far to meet them were not up to the task is on them, not you, and I really hope you can take that in and give yourself a lot of grace around this. <3

[isharekindness]

Thank you for the compliment and thank you both for replying! I know unfortunately it just happened to be circumstances happening at the moment and when things get overwhelming, we tend to look at the negative.

Number 3 is my biggest takeaway. I guess I would like to learn how to be respected and understood even though I am perceived incorrectly and am not that way people think they know me as.

[mikky]

Hey Isharekindness,
Gosh, this is a tough one. I think ultimately, we really cannot control how other people perceive us, and whether they respect or understand us has a lot more to do with them than it does with us.
I think that when we hold a lot of respect, care, and compassion for ourselves, it can make it a lot more obvious and unacceptable when others aren't doing that. There will be environments where survival means needing to bite back frustration, and that sucks so much. But the relationship you have to yourself is a space where you can build a lot of love and kindness.

How have you been feeling since starting hormones? Are there things that have felt exciting or hopeful?

A few articles I think could be helpful:
I need advice on being myself in a conservative area while not being a protected class anymore
Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?
Passing as What? All About Passing Privilege