possible attraction to my adult friend?

[lostbunny]

I’m not really sure how to go about this, but a few months ago I met one of my best friends online. We’re both passionate about the same fandoms and art and everything- she’s genuinely wonderful and such a joy to be around.. but she’s older than me.

I’m 17 (almost 18) and she’s mid twenties. She’s never made a move on me or anything, and she has a fiancé. She’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever known and I feel so stupid saying it but I’m very attached. I thought I was only attracted to men but after we talked about sexual scenarios of our favs I’ve been having daydreams that include her around me- not necessarily sexual, just around me. I’m always waiting to spend more time with her and it’s the only thing that really keeps me up at all.

I do have a history of obsessing over people but Its been a lot less life consuming after getting medicated, but now I feel so intense about anything she does or might do. Obviously I don’t tell her this because I know it’s not right. I cry when she responds to others before me, or mentions her friends- I start shaking and getting dizzy from anger that I know isnt fair. I want her to have other friends and be happy with her fiancé, but my heart breaks a bit every time I feel less prioritised.

I don’t know if I’m actually even attracted to her or just being a freak about companionship again. I don’t know what to do, I feel very lost. I’m sorry if this isn’t making sense I feel stupid.

[KierC]

Hey lostbunny, and welcome to the boards. I’m glad you’ve found us here.

First, you’re not stupid at all, and what you’ve written is clear to read. It sounds like you’ve met this person online and are struggling with feeling obsessed and fixated over them. It sounds like you’re really struggling when they turn their attention elsewhere, to the extent that it’s impacting your daily life. I’m also hearing you that you’ve struggled with obsessing about people before, so you’re wondering if this is what’s going on again. I want you to know you’re not alone and I’m really glad you’re reaching out for support with this. I understand this is leaving you feeling lost, so maybe we can help you navigate what’s going on here. Okay?

When people experience attraction to another person, they can feel some degree of wanting to talk to them very often or thinking of them often. But these thoughts and desires shouldn’t have to feel as all-consuming and distressing as they are for you right now. Ideally, both people would feel positively toward the idea of the other person living their own lives, being busy, and having other people they talk to. It shouldn’t feel like a kick in the gut when they’re elsewhere, both out of respect for the other person’s autonomy *and* for your own wellbeing. It’s never fun to feel worried and upset like you’re feeling, nobody deserves to feel that way. <3

Given that you’ve experienced obsession like this before and are medicated for it, my primary thought is that this is going to be best navigated with the help of a therapist. Do you currently have one, or if not, how would you feel about seeing one?

I also want to mention that when you’re meeting folks online, particularly adults, it’s important to keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally. I’d be very cautious about giving out your personal information, particularly where you live or your real name. Unfortunately not everyone is who they say they are online, so we want to make sure you’re staying safe. I’ll say, too, someone who is a legal adult should have better boundaries around sex discussions with minors. Know what I mean?

We have an article about internet relationships and safety if you’d like to take a look: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/culture ... nships-net

I’ll pause there for now, but let me know your thoughts on all this. We’re here for you. <3

[lostbunny]

Thank you so much for the quick reply!

I’m currently seeing a psychologist and have a support system whom I can usually confide in, thankfully. I’m assuming it’s just another moment of obsession, but when it didn’t die down I guess I freaked out. I want her to be happy and do whatever she pleases, so I never tell her about the jealousy- it’s just something I struggle with, sadly.

And thank you for looking out for my safety! I’ve done my best in recent years to get better at who I share private things with, so I’m at least careful with that. The sexual things are mostly my fault, though- she isn’t like being predatory or anything. We just joke about our fav characters and write smut of them together, it’s very cathartic to project through them, but I can absolutely see how it would seem a tad strange from the outside (sorry if I miss worded my original post? ) but it’s all just scenarios. I don’t know why my brain decides to link those fantasies up with her.

I’ll try to work more on not exploding internally when these things happen as I don’t want her to feel bad around me (she said she considers me a dear friend, at least.. so I don’t think she dislikes me?) (overthinking final boss)

aghh sorry for my rambling, its been a big help. sending love <3

[Andy]

Hi lostbunny, I’m glad Kier’s answer was helpful.

I will be honest with you, what you are describing doesn’t sound like a relationship that is good for either of you, and like one that it likely to turn even crummier with time. One of the reasons behind that is that she is clearly not a right person to have this kind of relationship to begin with, creating sexual media with a minor as an adult suggests that adult is not caring about there being healthy boundaries with that minor. The age and therefore power difference between you is real and while her talking about this with you might feel validating and like she is seeing you as her equal, it really rather is about a lack of boundaries, responsibility for her actions and care for you. The way you feel about her also tells me this is not a healthy relationship and not in a way that you can change or that can be changed at all, period.

I want to ask you to give this article a read, even if you don’t consider what is happening grooming: What Is Grooming, Really? And once you do so, feel free to share any thoughts that might come from reading it.

Hearing all this might be a lot, and I am sorry if it’s so, but I want to be honest with you because I myself had a relationship similar in several ways to this one, and it took me a few years and a lot of hurt to realise how bad for myself it was. And I really want to spare you that time and pain. It might be your first time experiencing such intense relationship and connection and maybe your first time someone sharing their sexual fantasies and you sharing yours with them, and I understand feeling important and special getting attention from someone and maybe even more from older, that you might look up to, I really do. But I also now understand that this is not "the best it gets" and as you meet more people, friends and romantic partners alike, you too will find that a good relationship with healthy boundaries and no power disbalance, can be so so much better and will make you happy rather than worried and ashamed. Which is what you deserve <3

We can now talk about how to move forward with this. How does that sound?

I am also glad you have a psychologist and other support people around you. Have you talked with them about this person and your relationship yet? If not I strongly suggest doing so, because they have known you for some time and would be able to support you professional care which we can’t do here.

[lostbunny]

thank you for the reply!

I fully understand how it comes across, but she’s never been weird towards me at all. Im also a victim of past abuse stuff (and I’m so sorry you went through this as well), I think it might just sound worse explaining than it really is.
I don’t think there’s any power balance really, the only thing I could see about it is that I’m a really big fan of her writing and have been for a while, which is why we connected.. but she’s always very kind and respectful, never made advances of any sort- I’m the one who’s having weird thoughts about her. I guess I’m just confused on how to tell love and obsession apart since I’m unsure if I’ve ever felt romantic attraction before.. sorry to make this into a big deal, your replies have been so kind and helpful.

[Heather]

Hey there, lostbunny.

The thing is, there is always a power imbalance between people who are legal minors and people who are legal adults, because legal adults have agency and rights that legal minors just don't. And, ideally, legal adults, even people relatively new to being legal adults, like people in their early 20s, keep an awareness of that in mind when interacting with minors.

Maybe think about it this way: writing smut together is a way of being sexual together, even though it's not physical sex. Can you think about other ways of being sexual together -- like say having physical sex or sexting -- and why it can be an issue for someone to be engaging sexually with a person who doesn't have the same rights and agency they have, especially without acknowledging that power imbalance?

Too, being someone's fan and connecting to them kind of has you set up to come into those interactions fawning over that person. You being a fan and them being someone you are a fan of is also a power imbalance. As someone else who also is very visible and has people reach out to them as fans, I know I always have to be very mindful to keep a certain space and very clear boundaries, because I know there's a power imbalance there, and that that kind of setup is a little one-sided no matter what (unless, say, we turn out to be mutual fans of each other's work as peers). Sure, I could just soak up all the adoration and such a fan is giving me, and keep engaging to keep that going, but that would be pretty selfish and inconsiderate on my part. When we're a fan of someone, it's so easy to just be so thrilled to be engaging with them at all that it's pretty easy for us to wind up in some not-so-great dynamics.

One of the reasons we bring this stuff up is that especially for someone who struggles with obsessions with people, being in any kind of relationship with someone who might be enjoying some of the side effects of a power imbalance, like, say a young person fawning over them or a young person not having boundaries with them, could make it so that you are almost enticed *to* be obsessive, whether or not either of you has any real awareness of that. If I were a person of any age with issues with obsessive attachment, I think it'd be really important to me and my well-being for my close relationships to only be with people who I knew could be really careful with me in that regard, and who wasn't ever doing anything to court that kind of attention from me. Do you know what I mean?

I do think talking about love is something that's probably too soon when it comes to someone we have only known online so far over a few months, especially if and when we're not really engaging in mutually deep talk. There is, however, a word you might not be familiar with that is neither love nor obsession in the way you're talking about, and that's limerence. Limerence is a term to describe that kind of not-so-serious obsessive focus on someone new to us who we're really into in some way. It's what people are often talking about when they talk about being newly in love or having new relationship energy. I suspect that limerence is much of what you're feeling here, and while it can become obsession that isn't healthy, it isn't that all by itself. It's also a word people use to describe how a crush feels, which is what it sounds to me liike you have going on here. And when we're crushing, we also tend to be much more in the space of being absorbed in our ideas or ideal of someone then on who they are as a whole person, usually because we simply don't know them well enough yet to have a sense of who they are past our idea of them and what's on the surface.

I also hear you that it could be we're reading between the lines here in some ways that might not be the case between you. I for sure think it makes sense to leave room for that.

I wonder if it might be helpful to talk about what kind of interactions you've had so far that have gotten this person to describe you as a "dear friend." Have you two shared anything really vulnerable between you, or been there for each other to provide any kind of emotional support?