Scarleteen

Hi Mikky,

my plan is to use materials to handle this coming out myself. I'd love to share some materials with my parents, but they don't seem to be open to it. Thank you for all the recommendations.

Interactions with parents are fairly good, though really awkward. We talk normally about everyday stuff. Dad mentions my moving out from time to time, but no one is mentioning my boyfriend, me being gay or anything like that. They suddenly started going to church everyday which is really weird since they didn't use to go not even during Sundays. It makes me extremely sad feeling like I've damaged them and the rest of the fully and I do feel isolated from them. But I don't know, keep trying to remind myself that this isn't my fault.

Hi Andrej,

I am really sorry you have had to manage your parents emotions for something that is entirely about you! As a friend from the outside, I have to admit, I feel a little angry when this happens. People who live a life for their happiness that isn't impacting anyone else should not be guilted. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. The responsibility for the emotional upheaval in your family is on your parents. They had expectations for their children instead of embracing you as you are. I hope that they notice your joy and love and come to realize that is a beautiful experience any parent would hope for their child.

As far as resources go, I did a cursory search online, but ultimately, I think that this topic is really useful to discuss in therapy. There is no one way to handle your emotions and the context you're in determines a lot. Here is one article I found that outlines some useful strategies for managing this type of conflict: https://www.drjennabrownfield.com/blog/ ... rom-family.

What strikes me in your situation is the care you express for your parents. While tending to the guilt your parents have put on you and the tension in your family, I would encourage you set clear boundaries. It is a way to nurture the relationship for everyone while protecting your needs and wants. One of my favorite resources for that is a book called Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Considering your orientation towards peace and family connection, I would highly recommend giving it a read!

Hi Mikky, thank you for the recommendations. I immediately started reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

A little update is that I saw my parents and we talk to each other. It is extremely awkward (dad trying to shake my hands instead of hugging me as usual) but somehow okay. I feel like they're not dismissive, but don't know how to act around me. When we talk, it's mostly about my job, nothing more personal than that, but they do mention my moving out from time to time (without getting emotional). Boyfriend topic is heavily ignored tho. Plus, they started going to those Christmas early morning masses every single day, which is really weird since they usually don't go to church not even on Sundays. I find it a little bit disturbing, but I've read that a short-term increase in religious activities is common in family members after coming out to them.

Hey andrej,

It sounds like the conversation was maybe productive in getting them to at least hear you out, but not supportive like you would have hoped. This can be so frustrating, but with parents, or anyone with whom there's a generational gap, it sometimes just takes time for them to get curious, accepting, not just tolerating, and even perhaps celebratory! Unless your parents have friends or family who are queer already, it might just be a lot of newness for them. Ideally, they would still be able to reiterate how much they love and support you regardless, but I'm glad you felt supported enough to at least tell them. This is the first step.

We are here for you and happy to continue this conversation if you want a place to just vent or talk about how complicated all this stuff always is <3