Struggling to Separate Trauma-Linked Fetish from My Relationship & Self-Worth

[ThanasisIsGod]

Hey,

Yeah definitely we're respecting of each other's space and personal time. My only concern was that I'm not spending enough time sexually with her. We've got high drives and I don't wanna neglect us coming together sexually. The only way I've satisfied myself for months is by myself with my own imagination.

Yeah I just needa rip the bandaid. It would take my full belief in her that she won't turn around and use this against me. I realize that the answer all lies in asking her but I've always toyed with the idea that I'll drop this fantasy and I won't have to tell her anything. Also if we lived close to each other and could see each other in person more often, that would be huge.

I appreciate you saying that thanks. I felt ass over it and she was really hurt. We chilling now

[lilikoi]

I have to say I disagree with the idea that cuckolding means people have no self repect or are gay. That must have been demoralizing to hear her lack of acceptance! Sexuality is about romantic feelings and fantasy is not always related to romantic feelings. And, to me, self-respect in sex has less to do with who is involved and what they are doing and more to do with your ability to state your boundaries.

I think the question of sharing or not has more to do with building a relationship that honors your whole self. Considering that, I really want to reiterate that fantasies are not shameful. Another potential segway into a conversation could be a Yes, No, Maybe list. It could even be a way to discuss your perspective on sex as individuals and then as a couple. You could decide what you value out of sexual exploration together as well. Does that feel more approachable than starting a conversation out of the blue about this specific fantasy?

I also pulled a quote below from our article on BDSM fantasies which a lot of people harbor shame for. It's a good reminder that a sex-positive perspective considers fantasy a unique, individual, healthy part of sex. Finding pleasure from acting out a fantasy does not mean you need to rethink your values or sexuality. If you and your gf have a conversation about what you value out of sex together, you could decide where fantasies fit in.

There really is no therapy that can get our fantasies out of us, and it’s pretty ethically questionable for a therapist to try. Fantasies don’t do anyone harm: they’re only in our heads, and they don’t dictate our actions. We choose our actions. Certainly, if you’re finding your fantasies are very disturbing to you, you can see a therapist to talk about them and find out why you’re so disturbed, and they can help you get more comfortable with those fantasies and your feelings about them, but they can’t rid you of them. Too, in general, the more people usually try to repress fantasy in their heads, the more persistent the fantasy usually gets.

[lilikoi]

Hi again!

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