Coping with sexual shame re: family and upbringing

[jellybeanqueen]

I'm in a long-term, long-distance relationship and even though I am an adult, I feel overwhelmingly, deeply ashamed that my parents know I'm sexually active. (I live with my parents.)

My partner is planning to come visit me soon and I am unbelievably anxious knowing that my parents will know that I've been at his hotel, etc., for fear that they will judge me. I was raised to "wait until marriage" and although they have begrudgingly accepted me I know they aren't happy about it. They often make rude comments whenever we are sitting close on the couch at home even though we aren't doing anything wrong.

I'm afraid to talk to them about it and I'm not sure what to do, but I would like to move in with him in the near future so I can't put it off.

[Sam W]

Hi jellybeanqueen,

This sounds like a really stressful situation, in part because it sounds like they are already being judgmental about this to the point of being rude not only to you, but to your partner.

Do you think it would be helpful to start by trying to set boundaries with them, rather than on trying to change their minds in any big way. For instance, what if you focused on what things you really want them to do (or not do) when your partner is visiting and then had a conversation with them about that?

When it comes to those bigger feelings of shame, do you feel like they're coming solely from the fact you're being shamed by people? Or are there some messages that you've internalized that you'd like to unlearn?