Scarleteen

Hi, I just made this account because I dont really know where to go or what to do, and i wanted to seek advice. I dont want to tell anyone and Im hoping to delete this afterwards because i feel like ill regret it at some point. Im sorry if im using the wrong icons or if theres any inappropriate formatting

Im going to say there will be content of having noncon / dubcon kinks, as well as rough sex. My partner and i have had a very loving and healthy communicative and supportive relationship over the past year, trying out kinks we both have. Hes lovely, I love him, which is why this is so difficult

Today, he just went too far. and he admitted to it, apologized and promised it wasnt going to happen again and that we'd have a big talk about it as well as boundaries and safe methods of engaging in our kinks. We have been using methods of Safewords and Stoplight code (Red, yellow, green), its just that i have stated that i did enjoy pushing those boundaries further because i want to experiment more. The last time we violated 'Safeword' safely and enjoyably, i told him not to get used to that and to not push that one that too much next time because I do mean it even as a 'pause for now', and that we didnt want a situation exactly like what im describing right now. This was unsafe, and i recognize that. I believe him, im just also still hurt.

For some context and information, today he accompanied me to therapy (in the waiting room) so i was already feeling vulnerable after my session, where i tried out EMDR for the first time regarding trauma, though not necessarily sexual trauma (i do have it but it wasnt the focus this time). After this, we also had a different appointment which hes been consistently showing up for me over the past year. It was for vaginal physio, because like I said, ive had issues being tense trying out sex as well as penetration hurting. Our past intercourse lately have been great and pain-free thanks to the practice and treatment, so weve been trying more things out. I am also ftm genderfluid so hormones play a part in whats going on down there.

I have trusted him to see signs of me in distress when i cant fully verbalize it, and he has recognized when to stop in the past. I said i was already sore, and we kept going. At some point it did feel good so i was okay with it continuing, until it hurt again - which is when I said Safeword. He didnt stop, so i started struggling. During this penetration, he asked if I could keep going and I said No because it hurt, so he slowly pulled out. I laid there, and i wasnt okay, I said he went too far, I said the context of the day should have been enough to gauge that i didnt want that boundary pushed this time, I also said that i told him last time not to push further with Safeword, and he apologized and reassurred me. He said he did get caught up in the moment and he helped me clean up, but had to go to work. I believe this urgency is part of why he may have felt rushed to finish, but it did not feel good to be left alone after something like that. We stayed on the phone after he left so that he could comfort me more, because I obviously have a lot of emotions about this.

I know it was an accident and given our sexual history, i do not want it to be SA. It was close, and i do just think it went too far this time. Im angry and hurt about the inconsideration especially after id told people and my therapists about how lovely he is, Im scared that he was indulging himself in hurting me, not in the kinky way. Lines are blurred sometimes with noncon and dubcon and I 100% believe he absolutely cares about me and my well-being, he helped me so much today and in general, all the time. Im not okay with how far it went this time, and I just want reassurance that my partner didnt actually rape me? That this was definitely a mutual miscommunication based on flawed expectations of eachother due to how weve been playing about our kinks and that we can be better and get through it as we practice more safely. I also feel like im extra sensitive due to what events i had experienced prior, and the dismissal of past statements i had. If it didnt happen right after, if it didnt hurt as much because of today, I would have found it enjoyable and that part also conflicts with me.

Thank you, i hope this wasnt too much, I appreciate all the input and replies if any

Hello, and welcome to Scarleteen!

First, I want to tell you that I'm sorry you went through this. Regardless of whether or not to classify it as sexual assault, it's obviously something that impacted you negatively and that deserves to be recognized. It sounds like you had a really trying day in general, with the EMDR and the physiotherapy. However, this doesn't make what happened okay; the feelings that it brought up in you are still very real. It is valid to feel angry and hurt about how inconsiderate your partner was. It's valid to be scared that this may be a warning sign! It's valid to not be okay! You may sit with this event and realize that it hurt more than you've realized. Just because something would've been okay with you in another situation doesn't mean that it's always okay, because every situation is different.

Consent, broadly, is black and white. While stoplight code deals with grey area (ie. yellow meaning you're approaching boundaries/slow down), safewords should be an explicit signal to stop. You mention that in the past, safewords have been taken as a soft 'no' but it's important to have at least one system in your sex life that is clearly a giant stop sign. Otherwise, the sex isn't safe and you don't have a sure way to cut it off. Perhaps in the future, you and your partner can work out a system or clarify what safewords/colors mean to you personally in this relationship. You may also want to implement physical motions if your hands are free, since you mention sometimes not being able to verbalize; something like tapping on the bed twice.

Have you and your partner been able to sit down previously to talk about boundaries? I think, especially after this, it's important to have a refresher. Communication is SO important in sexual relationships for everybody's comfort and safety.

What can we do for you? Would you like resources, reassurance, or just someone to listen to you while you work out how you feel?

Thank you, and yes I would like reassurance and someone to listen. Resources also sound good.

We have had talks about boundaries, and we're going to discuss it again at length tomorrow - nothing has ever felt pushed like this before, and he was very respectful, understanding and apologetic in the moment and right now still. Every time we have intercourse, during the aftercare portion i will usually have some feedback to give on what worked and didnt work / notes on future adjustments. I can see how thats not a clear system but I did feel like itd be important enough to remember. Physical signs would help and weve tried it out a couple times if I was restrained or if there was some difficulty moving/talking. But nothing concretely discussed about it while just having sex without other equipment

I also feel like to get something out of it i need a level of risk, 'Red' was not a full stop before, so we started using 'Safeword' because my 'Reds' were Soft Nos while 'Safeword' was a Hard No. After some more comfortability, even 'Safeword' was becoming a Soft No and it feels like every new layer of safety becomes something new to push or break because it doesnt give me the same type of satisfaction when it is completely safe. I think if penetration were consistently painless and I had more practice, i would be more equipped to take on situations of higher intensity like this. But that comes with patience and familiarization with our boundaries and bodies, which we are still learning, as well as further progress in physio for me and developing safety systems that work for us.
Either way, i may have enabled or allowed something like this to occur in the first place by making him think this was okay with me. Which is why last time I said don't take 'Safeword' as a Soft No, because I could see that it was getting to be unsafe.

It did hurt more than I realized, and more than I was and have been capable of feeling in the moment. I dont want him to feel like hes a horrible person, and I dont want to feel like i allowed it to happen. I dont want to be a victim, or feel like one, and I feel guilty about it as well as having a reaction of hypersexuality after he left and while I still feel upset and shaken.

Thank you so much for the support

Hi there,

I agree with Caitlin. It is okay to realize this hurt you more than you thought it did, and even to have it change the dynamic of your relationship. Though I’m glad to hear your boyfriend has been respectful and understanding, that doesn’t have to mean that everything is fine for you. You can take your time working through your feelings and redeveloping a sense of trust in these situations with your partner.

While consent/nonconsent play relies on a degree of ambiguity, that doesn’t mean that you enabled or allowed this to happen, or that it was your fault. You even recognized the risks early when you asked your boyfriend not to treat your safeword as a soft no. And ‘hypersexual’ actions don’t say anything about your character, what happened with your partner, or how you should feel about it. Try not to judge yourself for how you respond, and give yourself space to work through these difficult emotions.

I see that you’re worried that your boyfriend will feel like a horrible person. You can’t control how he feels, but I think just telling him what you’ve said here - that you don’t want him to feel horrible/that you care for him will help. Rebuilding trust is a collaborative process, so it can be a good way for you to reclaim a sense of agency + for you two to repair your relationship. It may take time, but it really is possible.

I would suggest a break from these specific activities until you feel more secure. However, if you do want to have sex, you could start with activities that have less ambiguity and more safety — maybe you could plan out what happens beforehand or have shorter sessions. Planning activities may also let you go over feedback from the end of your last session together, so the information says fresh in your minds.

If safewords alone are not very clear, I wonder if it would help to change the context around those words. For example, saying “stop/[safeword], ‘nickname’” might give a different impression to saying “stop/[safeword] ‘name’”, while preserving the sense of danger around your existing safewords. You could also try to check in more often during sex, or change your safewords more frequently to preserve their novelty (though you’ll still need to be able to use them in the moment). If it comes down to it, I think it is best to prioritize having a definite way to stop, because you can work to find other ways to create the sense of risk that you want.