Questioning if I'm an aroace lesbian

[mimislove]

Hi! I’ve been confused about my sexuality for some time, but recently I’ve been thinking that I may be aroace lesbian.

However, there were two times where I thought I liked two guys (not at the same time), which is making it hard for me to confidently say I’m lesbian. One of the guys I’ve realized was nothing more than wanting to be friends, but with the other guy I’m still a bit confused.

In the 11th grade I accidentally pissed him off a little, and so he threatened (and I’m assuming this was a joke too) that he would sexually assault me. I’m aware that I should’ve probably felt uncomfortable from that, but instead I kind of just felt loved. I had such a low self esteem that the thought of him finding me at least okay enough to threaten to SA was kind of comforting in a way. To be clear I didn’t like HIM, I just liked the thought of at least being okay enough for that threat.

I’ve talked with my friend about it a bit and I’m starting to realize that that obviously wasn’t good of him and I no longer find it appealing in any way, but it still makes me wonder if it counted as me liking him and interferes with me labelling myself as a lesbian.

I haven’t found any guys attractive for maybe 2 years now? I can’t picture myself with a guy, and every time a family member has suggested the idea of me marrying a guy I get severely uncomfortable. I also got uncomfortable by such suggestions during the time I thought I liked him, so it’s confusing.

[Heather]

Hey there, mimiislove.

So, traditionally, homosexuality -- of which lesbianism is generally a subset -- like heterosexuality in its inverse, is a framework meant to describe when people are either only or mostly attracted to people of a same or similar gender as them. I personally describe straight and gay orientations as being about what gender or genders of people folks find themselves primarily attracted to.

Very few people will go through a whole lifetime and only ever be attracted to people of one gender. We just know from a good half-century-plus now of researching sexual identity that those folks are much more the exception than the rule.

And beyond that, words for a sexual identity are primarily useful only when they are what works and feels right for the person using them. To me, that should always be our top criteria when choosing what words we use to describe our sexualities: does this feel like the right fit for me? Does this express most of what I want it to to other people?

You're the only one who gets to define what "lesbian" means for you, so unless you disqualify yourself, please know there's no number of men you could have been with or been attracted to that would mean you can't use that term for yourself. Make sense?