Is sex inherently goal-oriented?

[MistahCFS]

Hey Scarleteen!

Thanks to many discussions, it seems that sex is always goal-oriented in some way—most commonly aiming for female orgasm or reproduction. Even when framed as for pleasure, intimacy or connection, there still seems to be an implicit objective. The ones I mentioned beforehand. Can it ever be truly open-ended, or is there always a goal, whether conscious or subconscious?

[AarijA]

Hey MistahCFS,
This is an interesting question. I think a lot of sex is oriented towards orgasm or reproduction. We don't believe that such a specific objective needs to be in place to have sex, and it can absolutely be a more open ended activity. Even then, there is probably some motivating factor which leads people to engage in sexual activity. This can be a pursuit of pleasure or intimacy, like you stated. It can also be to fulfill sexual desire, or to explore a curiosity.

Do you see a difference between the tangible goal of having an orgasm and the urge to just experience some pleasure?

[Heather]

I do want to poke my nose in to say that the kind of sex that people tend to report as being most satisfying is NOT goal-oriented, is more freeform and pleasure-centered, and yes, having sex be open-ended is entirely possible and a way many, many people engage in sex.

So, I'm not sure whose implicit objective you're talking about -- is this from talks with friends, or is this your experience with partners? -- but I promise, it isn't like this for everyone. The "goal" of sexual experiences absolutely can be just to have and participate in the experience, whatever it may be.

[MistahCFS]

This question of mine wasn't inspired by talks with people around me, but discourse in pop culture and the internet. As you probably know, most of the questions/complaints that you get are primarily about getting a woman to orgasm or a woman wanting to orgasm. Instead of people going by the "be carefree" mantra, they immediately brigade these people with "longer foreplay for the win" or "oral is #1" mantras. The problem I have, is that fixating on having an orgasm creates a catch-22, similar to the erectile dysfunction that we guys tend to have. Not to mention all the media, internet posts, and real life experiences/teachings, where the woman is downplaying/making fun of her partner/ex with claims like "I didn't cum for [insert time period here]... Do men even try?!" While they claim that "Orgasms are not the end all be all" to their significant others, all the while, they don't communicate their needs, and they fake their "O" that they have during sex.

Am I the only one who notices the problem here? Am I the only one who notices, that all of that stuff reinforce the "men need to be sex gods" stereotype, and injecting A-grade sexual performance anxiety in men?

[AarijA]

So you're on the right track here, and I'll provide some additional context that may help clear things up.

Firstly, to your point about many questions/complaints focusing on the lack of female orgasms, I'll say a couple things.
1) That subject is brought up often, but it is not the main topic that users come to us for help with. Users come here for information and advice on a vast range of topics, including pregnancy, consent, healthy relationships etc.
2) What you are interpreting as a fixation on orgasms for women is a reaction to decades, if not centuries, of female pleasure being, at worst, vilified, and at best a mere afterthought. So some pockets of today's culture are placing a higher value on women receiving their due pleasure during sex.

You seem to think that emphasizing foreplay or oral is putting pressure on people to orgasm - in reality, highlighting the importance of foreplay is teaching people that it takes time for the body to become fully aroused. It's not a light switch that you can turn on and off. Spending a proper amount of time on foreplay prepares the body for other sexual acts and will likely increase the chance of reaching an orgasm.

Likewise, celebrating oral sex is about reminding people that sex can take many forms and that not every sexual encounter needs to end with intercourse.
Does that make sense?

Is this something you, yourself have experienced? If not, trying to align media portrayals and internet posts with reality is a waste of time. How do you know that they haven't tried communicating their needs?

Not to mention all the media, internet posts, and real life experiences/teachings, where the woman is downplaying/making fun of her partner/ex with claims like "I didn't cum for [insert time period here]... Do men even try?!" While they claim that "Orgasms are not the end all be all" to their significant others, all the while, they don't communicate their needs, and they fake their "O" that they have during sex.

Too, I'll reiterate that women have had their pleasure disregarded for centuries and are just now living in a world where they can sometimes talk about it. So I would say they have a right to be flippant about the fact that their partners are not in tune with their body.

I can see how this dialogue can make men feel pressured to perform to the highest level and always make their partners come. In reality, this frame of thought is meant to shift the emphasis away from P in V intercourse, bringing some alternative forms of sexual play. Most importantly, it is about bringing attention to the pleasure of all parties involved. Because the focus has been on men for so long, now it seems like all of the focus is on women. It is not. Sexual pleasure is still quite uneven across genders and while the media portrays one thing, I can assure you that reality is something else entirely.

[Heather]

I do want to echo Aarij and say that I suspect your focus on this topic is what has you thinking that this subject and way of thinking about sex is what we're asked about most here.

But it isn't. This has been my job for over a quarter century now, and I can assure you, there is a lot of diversity in what we're asked and no, what you seem to think we're asked about most isn't what we're asked about most.

The media and pop culture should also never be thought of as representative of what the general population thinks or wants. Instead, the media and pop culture tends to mostly be representative of how people who can or do profit from those things and what will be most likely to result in profit. I srtongly suggest not looking to those two places to get realistic ideas of what people do or want when it comes to sex. They are terrible sources for that information.