really confused about sexuality

[trilobitemeat]

Hi,, I am really confused about sexuality. My sexuality in particular. When I was young I identified as straight, later feeling as though I am still straight, with an appreciation for female bodies, most likely the result of internalised homophobia. As I got older thought I was bi, then pan, and now I believe to be lesbian. This is all fine and all, but... it still doesn't feel right. I am a person that needs labels to feel comfortable, and not having one that works for me is hard. I feel attraction to woman all of the time, so I know I am at least on the LGBT spectrum.

The problem is though I feel attraction to men some of the time, but then most of the time not. Some of the time I like trans women who have not had bottom surgery, as well as trans men, whether they've had surgery/growth or not. Sometimes I like the appearance of cis men/find them attractive, but about 90% of the time, am not attracted to what they have. Which confuses me because I do not mind trans women who still have male anatomy or trans men that have male anatomy. The only thing I do find myself attracted to consistently is women, hence why I use the label of lesbian.

I find it hard to imagine myself settling down with anyone or even dating because I'm never sure what I want. Sometimes I want to be with someone other than a women, sometimes I don't. I'm afraid if I am with someone that is afab/female that I am going to end up hurting them by having an attraction to other people/wanting to explore. I'm afraid if I am with someone that is not afab/female that I am going to lose attraction to them at some point and hurt them. Is this just commitment issues or an actual issue with the uncertainty of my sexuality?

I'm not sure if my aversion towards men is my actual sexuality, trauma, or self hatred (ie, i dont like myself so a man ((or anyone really)) could never like me). I don't know if I like men because that's what society pressures me to do, normalising straight relationships and repressing lgbt ones. There's a lot of uncertainty all around for me and I don't know where to even begin with figuring this out. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt somebody because I realise that they're gender is not what I'm attracted to, so dating to figure it out isn't really something I want.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards (and if we had awards for handles, you'd be the winner for the whole year!). <3

You know, listening to you, if I were you and I wanted one word or term that could be shorthand for what you're describing, I'd just be using "queer." Since it's what I use myself and long have anyway, I obviously will have some bias towards it as a term, but I do feel like no other common shorthand but that one can cover so many different experiences and variations in attractions.

I do also want to say that I'm personally not concerned about you hurting someone by being attracted to other people or wanting to be in, or later create, some kind of open relationship. Consensual, negotiated nonmonogamy doesn't have to hurt anyone. Too, it's common for our relationships and even our attractions to people to change over time, especially long periods of time, and that's often the case with people whose orientation doesn't change at all. There's no one orientation, identioty or anything else that can somehow keep our feelings for people from changing over time.

I also don't think you need to think too hard about who you are NOT attracted to, just like no one needs to think too hard about, say, jobs they have no interest in, or foods they don't like. If you aren't into men romantically or sexually, then you just aren't. If that ever changes, then it will, and you'll probably know then what you *are* attracted to when it comes to men, you know?

[Heather]

I want to add that I also am not confused about your attractions not being about what's in (or isn't in) people's pants.

Since none of us have x-ray eyes, who we are attracted to generally isn't about what genitals people have. Too, even the idea that anatomy has gender is pretty busted, since we know full well that people who are women can have a penis (non-op or pre-op trans women), people who are men can have vulvas (non-op or pre-op trans men), and people like myself who are agender or nonbinary can have any kind of genitals a person can have. Gender isn't something anatomy has unless we assign gender to it, know what I mean? Terms like "male" and "female" anatomy are pretty outdated in 2025, even though it's taking a long time for the medical and general community to get on board and catch up.

[trilobitemeat]

Queer is probably the closest that it's going to get to, until I am able to really narrow down things a bit better at least. Thank you!
The problem is that sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not attracted to men, so it makes it hard to figure out what I want in life. It's not just a matter of I don't. It's fine when I don't, there's nothing to think about, but then there's the times I do. There is a lot of confusion behind it. How do I know if it's societal pressure or true feelings? All my life growing up it's always been women marry men, men marry women. Obviously that isn't right for everyone, but I feel as though it may have possibly instilled something in me. Is figuring it out something that will come with age? It's something I've talked about with a friend before and they felt similarly about their unsureness about their attraction to men. I feel like I should have it figured out by now, but then again I know there are people much older than me still unsure. I think this is really what's bothering me the most now is why it's only sometimes and what to do when it's sometimes.

I hope I did not offend with the term male/female! I just wasn't sure how else to put it. I very rarely talk about sexuality and gender and actual medical terms make me a bit uncomfortable.

Also sorry if I am rambling and repeating myself. This is the first time I've really talked about all the confusion anything deeper than surface level.

[Heather]

Even if you were rambling, it would be okay. This is a perfectly fine place TO ramble about any of this stuff, and you certainly would be in good company!

That male/female anatomy stuff is still so widespread, I'm not offended, just always disappointed that it IS still so pervasive that folks still aren't coming of age with different and better frameworks so something better doesn't come naturally, you know?

In terms of what you were asking about a lack of attraction or sometimes attraction to men as a whole, I honestly think that sometimes we don't serve ourselves as well as we could by not just letting ourselves be attracted to who we are as individual people and taking it from there. It's actually pretty hard, I think, to even say how or why we are attracted to a given gender because that's often anywhere from millions to billions of people, people who are so diverse as a group that our generalizations of that group will often be wrong for a lot of people who are members of it. On the other hand, I think it's usually a lot easier to know and describe why we are attracted to a given person, or to people of any given gender based on traits that aren't gender. It's also certainly easier to know why we are attracted to an actual person than a giant group of people in the abstract.

I don't think we can often know the why of some of our attractions either, including why we are or aren't attracted to people of a certain gender, or why we are attracted to people of one gender more than another. You're right when you bring up the tangle that is how most of us are or have been conditioned, about things like heteronormativity, and trying to figure out how much of that is at play versus our more authentic feelings: sorting out what and how much impact social conditioning has had on any of us with anything is the work of a lifetime, for sure.

My vote for anyone with this kind of stuff is just to focus on who you feel attracted to as an actual, whole person, since it's those actual attractions and interests that come into play rather than a vague or general attraction to groups made of millions of people or more, most of whom we will never meet. <3

[trilobitemeat]

That is wonderful advice. It is easy to get caught up on gender and identity sometimes and forget that the true attraction (for me) is to the person themselves, not their appearance. Thank you for helping me ground and remember this. Sometimes I have a little spiral about these kinds of things and forget to look at the bigger picture. Next time I'm having one of my little crises I will remember this and remember that it's not all about the appearance of the person or how they identify, rather it's their personality. Appearance/personality plays a part in attraction, but it's not everything. <3

[Heather]

I'm so glad it was helpful.

I'd add that I think it's also easy to get caught up in this feeling of wanting to somehow know exactly and permanently who we are and how we feel about everything or everyone to a degree that just isn't possible, especially projected far into the future, or about giant groups of people. Shorthand for sexual and other identity is shorthand for a reason: it's not actually meant to express much besides a general, umbrella sense of things: if we want to really drill down or say more, we're going to need a lot more words and a lot more time -- and sometimes, to just have a lot more life experience -- you know? Like, as someone turning 55 next week, who has been ...let's just say very busy in this arena over my lifetime, chances are I am going to be able to articulate and express things about my attractions to people or my sexuality than someone decades younger just because I have had more life experience *and* more practice putting my feelings and experiences into words (and this having been my job for decades certainly helps!).

There are just some areas of life, and this is certainly one of them, where how simple or clear we want things to be isn't going to mesh with how things actually are. I know that can feel intimidating, overwhelming, and maybe even a little scary sometimes, but I feel like I can also say that that lack of certainty is something else that gets easier to live with over time for most folks.