am i monster for what I did.

[hersecret13]

this is my first time posting on here, i'm nervous, i don't want to be hated.
I don't know if I've been assaulted, i actually just got into a fight with my sister about this. She thinks i wasn't molested/touched, even screamed the words "IF YOU WERE, WHO IS IT, WHO DID IT!'.
I dont know who, all i know is what ive done, and who i am.
Im almost 80% sure ive committed cocsa(sorry board members if thats to vulgar), and I feel horrible for it. Like a monster. I would never in a million years ever do that to someone, but I did-roughly when I was 5-6-7..? not sure, def younger than 9.
I feel horrible, like I can never be good again. Im scared they'll remember one day and resent me.
Another thing that makes me feel like ive been SA, is I have vaginism. I cant insert anything like a tampon because theres a wall of muscle. to the best of my knowledge, this is caused by Sa/ tramua with SA/ anxious thoughts on intimacy etc.
Ive been very anxious about sex my whole life, feeling replused by the idea- so replused I thought i was asexual.
sorry if this is long. I just cant stand myself right now.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. I'm so sorry to see you suffering so much around this, and I'm sorry that this has caused screaming in your home. No need to worry about being vulgar here.

You're using the term COCSA: can you tell me where you learned that term, and if you had the concerns you're having now before you heard it? One of the reasons I ask that is that over the last couple of years, with the popularity of that term on social media -- and the very un-nuanced, unclear and high-key ways it is often used -- we have had quite a lot of people coming in here in the kind of panicked distress you are, and the way this is presented to people on socials often causes this panic, which makes it extra hard to figure out what's actually going on or has gone on.

You seem to be saying that you believe you were both a victim of some kind of child sexual assault or abuse as well as a perpetrator of some kind of child sexual abuse. Do I have that correctly? If so, can you say some more about what's giving you those ideas? Do you have any memories of either of these things?

Vaginismus, if you do have vaginismus, has many different potential causes, being the victim of abuse is only one. Asexuality and/or sexual repulsion are different things, though the latter is sometimes part of the former. Asexuality is an orientation, not something "caused" by anything, just like homosexuality, heterosexuality or bisexuality don't have causes. Sexual repulsion is something that people can feel for a wide array of reasons, sometimes including for no apparent reason at all. But since what seems to be distressing you most is the thought that you have been a victim of and committed child sexual abuse, I feel like we should try and talk through those things before we talk more about vaginismus, asexuality or sexual repulsion.

[hersecret13]

Im not sure if im replying right, so excuse that
Im pretty sure COCSA is child on child sexual assult, coorect me if im wrong. I believe i was a victim and perpetrator of SA because of memories I have, and the way my body and mind react- all these memories and expereinces have been veryclear, and never change. im not 100% sure on the condition, just skeptism.

[Jacob]

Hiya!

That's what the letters of the acronym stand for (except I think the A usually stands for abuse not for assault), but it'd be useful to know more about what *you* understand that to actually mean, especially when it comes to your situation.

We often hear from people who have unfortunately come to view all childhood sexual exploration and curiosity as somehow automatically abusive, and in those situations we can often reflect that what happened was not abusive, however we don't know what your memories and interpretations are, in order to offer any reflection like that.

Often the most concerning cases are either ongoing abuse occurring between children as part of a widespread ongoing dynamic of abuse across a whole family system, or an early sign of a lifetime of abuse perpetrated by someone who abuses into adulthood, or both. Neither of these sounds like they match your situation because it sounds like you are talking about one event(?), which makes me suspect that this was more likely an event much more likely motivated by curiosity(?). It's also true that childhood can involve "trying on" many costumes as we are figuring out our identities, how to navigate the world, and how to construct our values, and that can factor into behaviors that we wouldn't pursue as an adult.

However, none of that means that you didn't experience some kind of abuse (it doesn't have to be sexual) at an age which you can't recall. I'm sorry your sister was this dismissive, because something could have happened and the fact remains that you do not feel like you were safe as a child, which regardless of the details are. That is a very heavy weight to carry, and says to me that you're hurting now. What kind of support do you think might help with what you're experiencing?

[hersecret13]

I just feel like im making this all up, and that my memories are playing tricks. I think the best thing for me to do is to maybe not let myself get into my head.

[Jacob]

Welcome back!

It sounded like in your other post that you didn't have any memories of being abused, but that were judging the possibility of abuse on things that might be symptoms of abuse but hadn't had any memories of abuse itself. Did I get that wrong? Are you saying that you do have memories of abuse, but which you're now doubting?

Either way... I think it's incredibly difficult to just let go or not get into your head with things like this. It sounds to me like you have some very real feelings, which are unlikely to just go away, without showing yourself some care around those feelings!