Navigating trying out new pronouns

[Berkeley2003]

I’m nervous about starting to use he/him pronouns in a virtual support group. I’m afraid I’ll like it? That’s the internalized transphobia coming out. How do I give myself breathing room to experience it as opposed to just mentally disregarding it? I reflexively want to disregard it and not give myself a chance to check in with it bc of my internalized transphobia.

[Jacob]

Hey Berkeley,

How about watering the other part of you that might think that liking it is a good thing? What if you liked it, and what if liking it was awesome?

I do also think that this would be a perfectly normal thing to be nervous about regardless, even if it had upsides... and chalking it up to internalized transphobia could also be a way to absorb that anxiety as self-criticism, or a thing that would be your fault. Do you think some of that could be going on?

If so, maybe we could talk about ways of starting to use he/him pronouns which could ease you into it?

Is it a support group you're already a part of, by the way?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi thank you for your response! Yeah I’m generally scared and anxious - to the point of not seeing how it could be awesome. I can see how attributing it to internalized transphobia is my way of having control and being self critical. I’m in this trans support group and have a meeting tomorrow morning

[Jacob]

Ooh! Maybe tomorrow you can introduce your pronouns etc? No pressure - the time might not feel right and that's ok but it's great that you're considering it!

Also, when you said "I’m afraid I’ll like it" that does imply you believe that there is a part of you that would have positive feelings about this. I would sit with that thought for as long as you can, that might not make the fear and anxiety go away, but it can be good to remind yourself that sometimes you can do things despite being anxious about them.

[Berkeley2003]

I'm thinking of using it at my next meeting next Thursday! I don't know why but I feel like I need to announce it to the group, when I could just change my pronouns in my username. I don't know why I feel the need to justify or explain? I'm probably anxious.

Yeah, I can see how that implies that I would have positive feelings. I just need to try it and see how it goes instead of constantly mentally waffling. Maybe I'm being hard on myself.

[Latha]

Hi Berkley2003,

You could make an announcement, but you could also just change your pronouns in your username, and you would not have to justify or explain this change at all.

Another option is to take a kind of middle road. If you’ll have the opportunity to talk to one or two of the people in your support group before the meeting, you could tell them first. Choose people who you know will be supportive. Their positive reactions might help you feel less nervous.

Try to be patient and kind with yourself. Whatever you do, it will be alright.

[Berkeley2003]

I appreciate the reminder to be kind and patient! I don't always feel like I practice that.

I feel like it's just going to be scary for me no matter what and I just have to make the leap. I feel like I'm testing the boundaries of who I am and that's scary.

[Andy]

Hi Berkeley,

I absolutely agree with you on that, it probably will be scary, but scary doesn’t have to mean impossible. We will be rooting for you if you decide to try the pronouns out today or anytime else. We are here for you if you need any more support around this or if you want to share how it goes!

And if you want, we can also talk more about why does it feel like testing the boundaries of who you are and how does that make you feel.

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! Thank you for your reply, yes I wanna challenge myself and try those pronouns in an upcoming support group meeting. It feels scary doing something new and unfamiliar, but you're right. It's scary but not impossible nor not worth trying it out. I can just try it out, I can just try it out. I'll probably share how it goes.

Regarding boundaries, I guess I meant I'm exploring more of myself and expanding what I think is possible of myself. That's just scary and unfamiliar, same adage. I think everything just feels especially overwhelming in general and in my personal life with being in grad school, friends, family, etc. It's hard not to feel like the change is happening to you.

[Latha]

Hi Berkley2003!

I know it can feel scary, but there is nothing wrong with trying these things out. As Andy said, we’re rooting for you. Good luck!

I’m hearing that change is making life feel overwhelming and unstable. If that is the case, I wonder if it would help to make some constants in your life, or focus on the ones you already have some more. You might reach out to friends and family and schedule regular ways to connect, ask them for reassurance about these changes in your life, or develop routines that feel grounding and make you happy.