I think I messed up my friendship and it's giving me bad anxiety

[keszj]

I have known this guy for a few months, we are at a school club together that meets 1-2 times a week, and when we're there we end up chatting a lot and laughing a good amount of time. He's really nice, so I decided to ask him to hang out outside of this club.
I messaged him saying like 'hey do you wanna go out sometime, go to a cafe or hang out at mine, or go to the pub, or something. no worries if you dont want to or youre busy' and he replied: Yeah, no.
I don't really understand why he said no, and said it so bluntly. I thought we were pretty friendly together and it'd be nice. I'm really worried I have offended him or made him uncomfortable in some way, but I'm racking my brain and I cannot think how.
My only guess is he found out i have a crush on him (which i do but i have kept it hidden so idk how he would know), and only wanted to hang out with him as strictly friends. Or he thought when I said "go out" in my message I meant it as go out on a date, and not go outside somewhere. I understand why he would be offended by this stuff because he has a serious long term girlfriend, and i in no way want to affect their relationship, i only want to be friends with him.
Because of all this I have been having really bad anxiety the past few days. I have been thinking about him constantly, and the whole situation makes me feel so embarrassed, and my chest feels tight and i cant breathe as well. Just really bad anxiety, i find it hard to sleep as well and want to cry a lot. I dont have many people i can talk about this with IRL.

Basically, does my message to him come off as asking him out on a date? that wasn't my intention. And should I send him a clarifying messaging, something like: "hey can i ask why? i thought we were pretty friendly, im sorry if ive done something to upset or offend you" and if he replies that he thought i was trying to ask him out i can correct him? I don't know if this is a good idea, or i should just let it go, not annoy him further and let him think whatever about me and try to move on and forget him??

I just really need advice, like it is better to try and salvage this friendship but risk making more social blunders, or should i just give up and try and get over it?

Also: school has ended for the year essentially, and I won't see him next year because he is a year older than me, so I won't see him in person again, so I can't gauge his reaction to me from in person interaction.

[Jacob]

Hey keszj!

If I'm completely honest, and if that was the entirety of his reply, that comes of as extremely rude of him.

If you were asking him out I think you would deserve a bit more care than to be rejected like that, and if it was only ever seen as a casual invitation from a friend to hang out then why no "thanks for inviting me" or "sorry I'm really busy at the moment, but how about another time"

Being left with so little information, I'm not surprised you have been feeling bad, but it sounds like you've been putting that negativity on yourself.

You said you found him really nice til now, but do you think it changes things for you if you think about how he spoke to you as a decision he made? And how that might have affected your ability to be friends?

[keszj]

Yeah I do think it was rude. He has never really been like this before, which is why I assume I must have done something to offend him, that's why he was rude. That makes the most sense to me.

It does change how I feel about him for sure. If he thought I was trying to offend him or his girlfriend, I thought he'd be mature enough to talk to me about it, rather than brush me off entirely. But nothing like that happened, so I do want to be friends with him a lot less now, it's definitely affected how I see him.
So at this point I don't want to be friends with him really, or hang out. But I would like to salvage his opinion of me essentially. If he has got the wrong idea about me and my intentions, I would like to correct that if possible. I just don't know how.

[Sofi]

The thing about people is that more often than not, how we act towards someone is a reflection of us, not them - for example, if someone rubs me the wrong way, I might ignore them; that's because something about them bothers ME, that doesn't mean THEY are a bad person or even did something wrong. This is a perfect example of that. This shows he is not very nice, as Jacob said he could've at least been more kind or even polite in his response. It doesn't reflect anything bad about you or what you said, and it also doesn't have to mean he's a bad person, perhaps he was having a really bad day - still not nice, and probably not someone you wanna keep trying to be friends with.

If you want to reply and let him know you meant hang out as friends, that's okay as it's your decision how to proceed. It's valid for you to want to clarify that, just as it's valid to simply move on and not give this any more of your time or energy. Either way, hopefully you can ease your anxiety a bit with the realization that you did nothing wrong and you should definitely not be embarassed. Unfortunately sometimes people just act/react in unexpected ways and we don't always get an answer for 'why', but in this case you did nothing wrong.

[keszj]

thanks sofi this is an interesting response i guess, and the idea that it isnt really my fault how he reacted hopefullly, does make me feel better. ive stopped almost crying about it at least.
i dont know how i will proceed though. still need some time to think about that and i will try and talk to more people about it i guess. i probably dont want to keep trying to be friends with him, but i will miss the things i really really liked about him

[Andy]

Hi there,
I’m glad to hear Sofi’s response was helpful and made you feel better!

That sounds like a good plan, to give yourself the space and time to think and talk about it, after all the situation and emotions are still fresh and there is no pressure to decide anytime soon. And please don’t forget to take good care of yourself as you are grieving a mostly nice friendship, which can be really hard<3

Let us know how can we best support you around this!