How do I even find a partner?

[Alok]

Okay so: I’m aroace, and poly.
I’m the flavor of aroace where I’m actually pretty partner-favorable : I might not feel romantic or sexual attraction, but I do want a closer relationships than my run-of-the-mill friendships: I really want a QPR. I really want a qpp mostly because
a) i want to see if the relationship type would work for me (aroace, poly) and to be honest i just want to. experiment. I'd like to talk out and define a relationship (i would do that with regular friends too if i had the time) and like. go above conventional ideas of friendship
b) I want to be someone's first choice/free to express affection without romantic implications (well i kind of do this already with an insane amount of affection for the inner circle but like. its never been defined so i wouldn't call it a qpr.) to be honest this bit is more about the inner circle getting crushes and boyfriends and like. me being left in the dust. also like i'll be pushed back by people reading romantic intentions into what im saying because they don't like me romantically
and c) i want to try traditionally romantic things with someone without the expectation of romance (kissing and pet names the like). this one's probably the biggest reason because well. i want to explore what i am and am not chill with.
tbh i don't think the commitment part i see a lot would work for me because like… i can't pay more attention/value one person in the inner circle over the rest… thats just not how i work i dont think im capable of that
anyways these are all hypothetical bc everyone i know irl are like crushing hard on other people and not poly and/or like just not open to the idea and none of them are aro. And there’s my real problem: how do I find a partner? The queer folks at my school, the ones who go to the GSA at least, none of them I’ve talked to are any flavor of aro. I’m just really frustrated, and seeing some of my closer friends get into both qprs and romantic relationships hasn’t made it better. It’s even worse that like, having relationship which is aroace AND open to poly seems like such a big thing to ask of someone. And there’s was this one girl I could have gotten with, a friend said she liked me romantically, and she’s definitely chill enough that she would be willing to try things with me, but she never approached me because she knew I was aroace and didn’t want to push a boundary - which is super sweet- and I never approached her because I kind of felt like I might have been taking advantage of her and I was scared of like, not investing enough into the relationship because I wasn’t romantically attracted to her and I don’t know. Should I have seemed her out? Had a talk? I still can, this was all like early this school year. How do I find people to experiment with? Most online poly spaces are 18+ and my irl parents are not chill enough to take me to like queer mixers or something to meet people. Help?

[Jacob]

Hi Alok,

It sounds like you've got some quite specific words to describe your relationship style and what you're hoping for, and I wonder if we might be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak?

What would you say to instead of starting what you want this ideal relationship to be, and then looking for people who fit that mold, starting instead with the people themselves, and discovering through your time with them, how you relate to them, how they relate to you, what you like to do together, and if through that process you conclude "oh this looks like a friendship" or "oh this looks like a queerplatonic partnership" then hurrah, and maybe even too over time you can also observe "oh this friendship seems to have now evolved into this other kind of relatonship".

Maybe keeping these terms as a way to describe and affirm what's already happened instead of a thing that's limiting how you feel able to interact with friends and others, in the future, could be helpful for you?

Another way to make that shift is to focus on "doing" rather than "being". You should be able to communicate what you want to do with a friend, partner, or date and what you don't want to do, without having needed "because I'm X".

In all of this it sounds like you're more or less describing a desire for closeness. I can say that the best way of building closeness by talking to people getting to know them, being trust-worthy, reliable, caring and let those interactions evolve.

[Alok]

That makes sense. It actually helps a lot, thank you.

[Andy]

Really glad to hear Jacob’s answer was helpful! Let us know if there is anything else we can do for you.