fighting trauma from abuse TW mentions of SA and rape

[anonlesbian]

So awhile ago i broke up with a partner who had violated my sexual boundaries and general boundaries repeatedly. I eventually told my family and counselor about what happened. I was told i “had to file a report to the police” I didnt know that i had the right to not file a report as that was never told to me. I filed a report my parents got a lawyer, months of hell and talking to various people my exes family got a lawyer who would put me through hell in cross examination so i dropped the charges. I never wanted to even attempt to press charges. My abuser is still in a class with me that the school cANT MOVE and hearing them talk makes me nauseous and shake to this day. It’s been 6 months since we’ve broken up. I still get repeated nightmares about them , some just horrible and some what if scenarios where everything is fine if i just gave them another chance. My ex is/was (I’ll explain more later) MtF my parents have become kinda transphobic and dont think a lesbian should date someone who’s MtF. It makes talking about what happened with them much harder because I dont want anyone to use my experience as an excuse to be transphobic.

about the is/was, recently i heard from a peer they are saying they are cis now and a man. friends have looked at me and said they might have lied to me just to get closer to me. they had a crush on me for YEARs and ive always openly been pretty queer. I was also the first person they came out too. It’s to a point even friends who are trans are saying i think they lied to you. I dont know what to think anymore. I feel very stupid. I just wanted to be loved.


on top of all this shit, i have a very good friend who still hangs out with my abusers best friend and because of this still hangs out with my abuser. I have rEPEATDLY expressed discomfort in this and said hey this is weird man. they told me to stop asking them to pick sides. I dont wanna seem like a bitch but between a victim with proof and evidence and my abusers semi-confession , and a story that my abuser is telling people with no evidence. I feel like there is a clear “correct option”. Ive lost so many friends over this already and im just tired. My family is convinced because all the legal stuff is done its not effecting me anymore and im struggling so much and im scared to tell them because i dont want them to twist it or use as it an excuse to be transphobic.

any advice is appreciated

[Latha]

Hi there, Anonlesbian

You are not stupid - not now, and not in the past, when you started your relationship with your ex. You’re trying your best in what has clearly been an awful and exhausting situation, and you don’t have nearly enough support. It seems that multiple people that you should be able to rely on have been acting very inconsiderately. I’m sorry to hear that this is happening.

My family is convinced because all the legal stuff is done its not effecting me anymore

Even in the best of circumstances, it seems obvious that a survivor would have needs beyond legal consequences for their abuser. And filing a report didn’t even go well for you. A fundamental standard for helping someone is that you have to meet them where they are at and listen to what they need, but it seems that a lot of your family’s response has had more to do with their comfort and feelings than yours. You’ve even had to manage your own response because they’re being transphobic, when they really should have stepped up to help you. This is plainly ridiculous, and you would be very justified if you were disappointed or angry with them.

i have a very good friend who still hangs out with my abusers best friend and because of this still hangs out with my abuser.

Expressing your discomfort here does not make you a bad person, and you are not the one forcing your friend to pick sides. This began with your ex, and their behaviour is what has forced your friend to choose. Cutting ties with an abuser often isn’t painless or simple, but it is necessary. By refusing to see this for what it is, your friend is making a choice, even if they don’t realize it - they’re prioritising their comfort over your safety. They’ve put you in a terrible situation, where continuing to be friends with them exposes you to hurt again and again.

None of this is fair to you, and it is clear that it is taking an enormous toll on your mental health. I’d like to give advice, but I have some questions to start:

• The friends who are telling you that your ex lied about being trans may be angry on your behalf, but I’m wondering about how it feels to hear this. Does it help? What would you think of asking these friends to limit the information they give you?

• Do you still have the same counselor that you mentioned in your post? Do you feel like they’re providing the support you need?

• You’ve mentioned that you can’t move out of the class you share with your ex, even though it is really stressful to be around them. Can you tell us a bit about what you’ve tried to address this so far? I want to see if there are any other options.

[Heather]

Hey there, I also want to add an additional suggestion:

It is entirely possible the school not only CAN move this person so that you are not in the same classes, but that they may be acting against certain legal policies or school guidelines by NOT moving them. That you filed charges alone, and that this is traumatic for you alone may be enough for you to get some distance between you two when it comes to classes. All students in public schools in this country have a legal right to a learning environment in which they can actually learn, so in situations like this, or with things like bullying and other harassment, there often are policies in place that support changing students schedules/classes so that anyone who has trauma around one student doesn't have to try and soak in that while also trying to learn.

If you were my kid -- or if I were you, if my parents weren't willing to act on my behalf -- I would contact the school counselor, a school ombudsman, if your school has one, and if neither of those folks were available or helpful, I would contact legal aid in my area to contact a lawyer who provides legal help for no cost.

Is any of that anything you might be open to and have the capacity for? Given your experience with filing charges, I'd certainly understand if it wasn't, but since it may be a solution to part of this, I figured I would mention it just in case.

[anonlesbian]

thank you for the reply!
the lying about them being trans potentially makes me feel really hurt and betrayed. They know i’m friends with a lot of queer people and i feel like it could’ve been a strategy to get closer to me. Also it angers me because it perpetuates a largely false stereotype about trans women. I do have the same counselor. they are providing a lot of support and as much as they can. I am feeling like i might need more support but the only step up is an outpatient program and i have had really bad experiences with the outpatient things near me already. So initially i asked if i could be moved or they could be moved out of class. They checked both of our schedules and nothing would work and then proceeded to tell me that me and my abuser both take very high level classes . There was one option i had which meant i would have to take summer classes and go to a higher level class then i can handle (which feels like a punishment to me). I was spending most of my classes in the office not in class but i wasn’t learning so they put me back in the classroom. My ex doesn’t talk to me but just hearing them at all makes me feel sick.
My parents were part of this conversation and are telling me to just stick with it because we have like 2 months left of school. I’ve already had contact with a lawyer and there’s nothing they can do. I don’t even have a restraining order and the school admits sometimes they can’t even separate students with a restraining order. the friend who told me i was being paranoid that maybe i was the mean one for cutting them off (again) and i used they/them to refer to them one friend said they might have abused you but you gotta she/her this person and someone else chimed in and was like yeah btw they told me they aren’t trans. I don’t know in someways knowing that they are being a bad person in more than one way makes me feel better about hating them. I’m tackling a lot of difficult feelings if you can’t tell.

[Heather]

Dammit, I'm so sorry to hear all of that, anonlesbian.

I agree with you: if this person was, in fact, lying about being trans to get close to you that was an extra awful thing to do and you're right, it does also perpetuate harmful stereotypes about trans women.

I also agree with you that you having to be extra challenged academically was a really crummy strategy to get you feeling safer. You having to work harder as the person who was victimized is really messed up, and sadly, all too common in the world we live in. I'm really sorry that it seems like many of the adults in your life, as well as some of your peers, just are not doing right by you at all.

Your friend saying you were mean is out of line. Same goes with them policing the pronoun use here. Sounds like someone might be focused on the wrong things here: they have a friend (you) right in front of them who has been done harm and needs support and they are instead focusing on language policing. That's something else that I'm afraid we have been seeing more and more of, people getting caught up in social justice theory instead of realizing that what social justice is really about is caring for actual people in real ways.

We can certainly be here to help provide some more support for you as you'd like it from here on out. Is there anything besides that we can help you with, or anything you'd like us to try and look into for you?

[anonlesbian]

I currently am in a weird place where my next level of support would be worse than like just dealing. I tried to talk to my mom today about that i’ve been kinda not doing good and struggling and apparently she’s mad at me for forgetting a few of my chores. and she gave me this lecture about how i don’t listen which im very confused by sometimes i forget but ive been trying to make sure i listen. I tried to reach out for help and it feels like i just got shut down. I don’t know how to make her understand how i feel without basically being put in a ward. Every day has been really bad for me and with tests coming up everything is a mess.

[Sofi]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this and the people around you aren't being supportive - even worse, they're making you feel bad about small mistakes. That's unfair given what you've been through, and you deserve more grace.

I wonder, what does your therapist say about this, specifically that your parents aren't really being supportive and are being dismissive instead? Sometimes it can help to have our therapist talk to our parents for us and explain what's really going on. Probably your parents don't understand how trauma works and they think they're helping by acting like everything is normal and nothing is wrong. Having an expert explain what you're going through could be a way to get them to understand without having to do it yourself. How do you feel about exploring that option?

I also just want to add that I agree with Heather here - this is a situation where, unfortunately, there's a possibility this person lied about being trans and your parents finding out how much everything is still affecting you might potentially give them an excuse to be transphobic, which we both know is wrong and misplaced. However, your wellbeing is important right now, and we can't always control what our parents think or say about things they're not well informed about. I know you're trying to be a good ally and that's very thoughtful of you, but you also have to think about what you need right now in your home environment and realize it wouldn't be your fault if they did use this as an excuse to be transphobic. You didn't cause this, you didn't do anything wrong, and they're adults who will make their own decisions. Does that make sense or help you feel any better about talking to them more openly (and/or letting your therapist do so) about how you're struggling?

[anonlesbian]

I have emailed my therapist and things were bad earlier so i did call a hotline and that helped a lot. I’m doing a lot better right now so hopefully crying and talking it out will help things

[Latha]

Hi Anonlesbian,

I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling better. We’re here if you want to talk more.