Scarleteen

So I, (17nb) and my partner (18nb) have been dating for almost 3 years. In that time we've mostly had an open relationship, and they had a couple partners they were dating when we first started dating, but they broke up soon after. I really love them and we have a very honest and communicative relationship. However, I've noticed that whenever they're rambling about a new crush they have and how much they're flustered and into this person, I get really nauseous. I'm really excited that right now they have a potential for a new partner, since where we live often there are very few opportunities for polyam people our age, but because this rambling often goes on in shared discord servers, I have a hard time reading it, and end up feeling gross. I genuinely am happy for them and hope that they can start dating this new person, but I want to be able to manage whatever emotion this is without relying on their reassurance and I'm not sure how. Any advice is appreicated. (also posted to advice column under bean)

Hi beanieguy, and welcome to the boards! We’re glad to have you here.

I am sorry to hear that you’ve been having some nausea when reading about your partner’s crushes. I want to say, first, that you’re doing a great first step by identifying how you’re feeling, and by identifying where and when you feel those things. Taking a moment to say “huh, I am feeling this nausea in my body, and I want to figure out what that means/what that’s telling me, and how to manage it” is really on-track with good relationship communication, and good self-care in general.

It sounds like these feelings arise when reading about their crushes on a shared discord server. Is this server just between the two of you, or are there others on it as well? Too, when you say you have a hard time reading it and feel gross, can you identify any emotions that pop up for you? Does it spark feelings of jealousy, or worries about loss, or something else?

This article might also provide a helpful perspective in addressing difficult emotions that pop up in a relationship. It’s about jealousy, but I do find the advice in this article to be applicable to a wider range of crummy feelings that can arise, especially when exploring a partnership with crushes involved: Jealousy: Making Friends With A Green-Eyed Monster. How does the information in that article land with you?