I told myself i would never sh. did i start without realising?

[choklot_mose]

when i hated myself i scratched my knuckles under my index and pointer finger on my right hand. i used to do it because it made me look like i was successfully throwing up. but i cant do that- but i wanted people to see that there was something wrong with me? and comfort me in that way? or i could deny it and say my skin was cracking from the cold if they weren't a safe person.

today i upset a friend by accident. and i feel horrible , without thinking i scratched my fingers quickly and now there are two small cuts on my knuckles. and i paused and i realised i intentionally hurt myself. something i swore i would never do. I'm not sure where to go now, i am not as horrified as i should be. what to do.

[Latha]

Hi there, Choklot_mose!

I’m hearing that you’ve noticed a behaviour that you’re concerned about: when you feel bad about hurting someone, you feel the urge to hurt yourself. Is that right?

All things considered, self-harm isn’t the most ideal coping mechanism, so having the intention to avoid it is a good thing. But if you do harm yourself, that isn’t something you need to feel bad about or blame yourself for. You haven’t done anything wrong. This is just a sign that something in your life needs to change: you might need to address certain feelings, develop better coping strategies, or seek more support from other people.

I fully understand how it can feel awful to hurt a friend, but try to remember that accidents happen in every relationship, and that it is very human to make mistakes. Accidentally hurting someone does not make you a bad person, and it will not prevent other people from being friends with you. You don’t need to punish yourself - all you need to do is give yourself enough space to learn.

Does this make sense so far? We can help you brainstorm some strategies that you can use if you feel this way again. Would you like that?

[choklot_mose]

Yeah that sounds good, I don’t want this to get worse yk?

[Sofi]

It's very responsible and self aware of you to seek out help before this potentially gets worse, so first off give yourself kudos for that!

I do have a couple questions to help us determine the best route for you here. First, how long ago were you doing that before, and can you confirm your intention back then was to bring attention to something that was wrong?

Also, are you currently or have you previously been in therapy? Mental health professionals can help with this, but I want to gauge your experience with that and if you haven't had any, are you open to trying it?

[choklot_mose]

Yeah I see the school councillor, and before it was maybe a month or so? Mostly at work.

[CaitlinEve]

Have you noticed a change after talking to your school counselor, or do you think you'd maybe like to try talking to another mental health professional like a dedicated therapist? I think you're being proactive in seeking help for this!

[choklot_mose]

Yeah I’ll look into that I’ll ask my doctor

[Latha]

Hi Choklot_mose!

I think asking your doctor for references is a great idea.

I’d like to share two articles that might help you. The first is about the process of finding a good therapist, and the second is about managing healthcare more generally:

• Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

• Dealing With Doctors: Taking Control of Your Health Care Destiny

Good luck!